(member)

23/07/2008 17:30

MY MIL seems not to like me

Hi there

Not sure what advice I am looking for other than any similar experiences, but my MIL seems not to like me and I have no idea why. She NEVER asks after me when speaking to my husband on the phone - her first question is normally how is the dog (not me, the cuddly kind!!). My FIL almost always does the same. They never ask after me when I am with them - never ask how I am, what I have been up to, etc etc. When I first met them they seemed more interested, and now I feel invisible. Often MIL is rude to me - commenting on things I say, so that I never know what to say or ask her anymore, for fear of being 'picked' on. Recently we spent a week away with them, and it was hard work - drove me to tears a few times, though I went to my bedroom to do this. She tried to pick on my 'failings' and even tried to talk about me to my husband the moment I left the room. I am not rude to her, I do ask her questions and am polite and courteous. I hate confrontation.

I'm not sure what has gone wrong, but I am beginning to feel angry that she and FIL don't ask after me on the phone. We have spent quite a bit of time with them this year, and when she and I are alone I try to make conversation, but now I am thinking that life is too short to waste time on such a rude person, and it takes a lot to make me feel so angry.

Phew.

Have any of you suffered the same treatment from MIL in particular? Are any of you MILs who don't like their DILs?

Sussexgirl

(member)

23/07/2008 18:31

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

My MIL threw her dinner at her MIL and my mother should have done the same to hers!! My MIL didn't like me at first, when my OH and I started dating because I had no brains she could boast about and didn't go to university or have a budding career ahead of me! Not that she has any, just a very large mouth that can't keep shut. You know the expression, speak first and engage brain later, that is her to a tee! Then she realised I was the one that kept the family together and she was fine. Probably too because I was the one that would give in all the time, to keep the peace. However, it is now the other way round and I am sick to death of her. Fortunately with phones now telling you who is on the other line, I try not to speak to her. Of course sometimes I can't find my glasses when it rings! When I do get caught, she can't wait to lecture me on my mother, who unfortunately lives in the same town as her and is getting dementia. What really did it though was when she told her friends I wasn't interested in my grandson-to-be when we were told my son's partner was pregnant. Firstly, I hadn't even spoken to her about it, as she doesn't like my DIL and secondly, she couldn't have been further from the truth. I was about to phone her and play merry hell with her but my OH said she wasn't worth it. But we got the message across that we knew what she had said, that it was a huge lie and that we weren't impressed. Every phone call after that, she mentioned the baby and my DIL's welfare! I find too that when it has gone several weeks since I actually spoke to her, she is extra nice when I do!

I think your OH has to take a strong stand here and speak up for you. You could face up to them and ask them outright but you have to be prepared for any answer they give you. You sound to me that you are a bit like my mother - too nice and don't want to hurt their feelings. They certainly aren't worth getting upset over.

(member)

23/07/2008 18:35

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Hi Sussexgirl

I know exactly how you feel, my MIL is just the same. I've been with OH 12 years, married 10 and we have 2 children and I've only once (this year) received a birthday card from her! The best thing I can say about my MIL is that we only see them about once a year (usually for about 2 hours near christmas), she never phones and fortunately lives too far away to interfere. I've learnt over the years that she will never change, it's her not me and I try not to let it get to me (not always easy).

I can't offer any advice really, apart from have you spoken to your OH about how you feel? Could he talk to his parents and explain how you both feel when they ignore you? How would you OH feel if you didn't see as much of them, or maybe he could see them occasionally without you?

Good luck and hope things might improve over time.

Deborah

(member)

23/07/2008 19:27

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

I've got the complete opposite, mine's like velcro, very nice lady. I have always gotten on really well with my boyfriends mothers & their families too, I still think about them all fondly. Personally I would do something about it SG, your husband is your family now & unless you don't see them ever again its best sorted out. Me, I would ask her outright why she didn't like me & what have I done to upset her, if she says nothing then ask her why she treats you the way she does, put her on the spot, maybe in front of your husband who I would forewarn!! But thats just me, I hate atmospheres

(member)

23/07/2008 19:47

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

This is such a tricky one, we can choose our friends but we can't choose our family. But we do have to associate with them for the rest of our marriage, and if you don't have a good relationship then that's when it gets tricky.
I agree with citygirl, about confronting her, but try a bit of reverse phsycology. Instead of going for the throat, I always think buttering her up with a few compliments first helps like "you always look so nice," or"where do you get your hair done it suits you so much" you no that sort of rubbish, then when you have got her eating out the palm of your hand, bring the big guns out. ie "I notice you were critical recently when I did so and so, is there a reason for that?" Etc etc.
I would certainly try and sort this problem out before going for the throat, as you are lumbered with her for the rest of your life. You might just find out, she was sensitive to one little remark you made, and thats why she's got the hump. One apology might just do the trick, and then everyones happy.
My MIL has on the whole been pretty good, considering she's as nutty as a fruitcake,but she has always spoken highly of me, however, that doesn't mean to say she hasn't upset me occassionally or irritated me. Once when we were living abroad, she kept ringing us saying "when are you coming home, we miss you and are lonely". Eventually I said, "hey how about you ask how we are doing, and give your son credit for what he is doing, ie making a career for himself and family, instead of just thinking about yourselves". She didn't speak for a few weeks, but eventually she started to ask how we were doing, and to say how proud she was of her son!She still says the odd thing to annoy me, like how she prefers one of my sons partners to the other sons partner, which I don't think she should do, but on the whole she has be a decent old girl!!! Lots of luck, hope this helps a bit.
Snowy

(member)

23/07/2008 19:56

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Hi Sussexgirl - i think you were very brave to spend a whole week with your MIL !!!
My MIL was a bit odd at first - she actually invited me around for coffee just to sing the praises of my husbands ex !!(which was so hypocritical because she made their life hell and hardly spoke to her)
As time has gone on and i've totally ignored her sniping we have got to know each other, and now we get on really well.
I think she realises that i work hard and keep the family together and im no push over.
Once when she tried to have a go at my husband about me - he just turned around and said - don't make me choose or you will lose -and she's been fine ever sinse. i think your husband should have a word with them and show his support for you more in a nice way. Hope things improve soon.

(member)

23/07/2008 20:07

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Oh dear my heart sank when I read this ....I have had similar problems for the last 25 years. It all probably boils down to one thing...you have taken her son away from her .They are jealous of you and seek to drive a wedge between you both. In fact by not asking after you shows they are selfish people , you are getting the message that your opinions and your interests are of no value. The only way to deal with this , and I speak from experience is to accept that they are not going to change. Both you and your OH need to be a united front on this and do not accept this rudeness. Only by him taking a stand will it get better, otherwise you will always be the second best. And it will drive a wedge between you both.

(member)

23/07/2008 20:16

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Now you know where all those Mother-in-law jokes came from!Mine is a horrible, nasty old woman who hasn't got a good word to say for anyone. Except her precious son of course...the sun shines out of his bum, apparently! The only good thing about our current marital "difficulties" is I haven't seen the bitch for a month-it's wonderful!!

(member)

23/07/2008 20:23

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Yep, it's all about jelousy and self-centredness I'm afraid. I think it would be good if you could have a frank discussion - like Snowy says, butter her up first so that you won't look bad when you move in for the kill! Also, I agree that it is so important to get your H on your side so that he can stick up for you if neccessary. It might take time to prepare but it would be worth it.

Personally, I would have lost interest in them long ago - I just have no patience with people like that whoever they are. However, that would leave you with the problem of an atmosphere every time you have to meet at weddings etc. so much better to try and sort it if you can bear it!

Best of luck Sussexgirl, let us know if you make any progress!

(member)

23/07/2008 22:47

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

My late MIL thought I wasn't good enough for her son.At our son's first birthday party which was being videoed there she was talking about his ex !!! I resent my husband for not sticking up for me and letting her make me feel like rubbish so talk to him. He has to back you up and let her know that he will not put up with her talking to you like that or treating you like a second class citizen. My MIL has been dead for many years now but it still rankles after all these years.

(member)

23/07/2008 23:42

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Start talking about moving to Oz. I know this is a serious problem but this thread has been a delightful read. Hope I never behave like that and yet- perhaps with old age it would be fun to be a complete b***h. Sorry but I think it's up to your OH to take a stand.

(member)

24/07/2008 09:41

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Hi Sussexgirl65,

I think that it's important that the husband makes it clear that he's with his wife on this one.

It's her problem if she can't get on with you. Don't let it eat away at your self esteem.

I was lucky, my MIL was fun and we always had a good giggle together. Not that we didn't have our differences, but we let it simmer then got on with life. Writing of her in the past tense of course as she died some years ago - and I still miss her.

(member)

24/07/2008 09:42

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Perhaps I got the best deal as far as MILs go.MY inlaws want to have nothing to do with us.We've been married 12 years and ,apart from one of my husbands aunts,we have no contact with his family.They would probably see him but not me.What terrible crime have I committed to merit this?
The answer is nothing except being quite a bit older than him.
I can't believe that they would loose their son because of this.Of course my husband won't see them unless they welcome me too

(member)

24/07/2008 10:54

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

On the whole MIL get very bad press.

My own was a witch.

But now I am a MIL and I'm wonderful.

DIL says so all the time.

So SG and all the other forumers who dont get on with MIL maybe try talking to them and letting them know how you feel. I myself would appreciate my DIL telling me if I upset her or she upset me. You have taken their sons away and obviously this is a problem with lots of women and their DIL.

So as I am sooo perfect - the model MIL - you can adopt me if you like.

(member)

24/07/2008 11:39

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Carrie - you are a bighead!!!

(member)

24/07/2008 11:41

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

My MIl is a very selfcentered woman who has become even worse since my FIL died. She has 4 sons and 1 daughter - but only speaks to my OH and her daughter. She is a complete witch and even my children don't have a great deal of time for her. She is rude and abrupt when you visit, she keeps telling us and her grandchildren that one day she will be dead when we visit and then we will be sorry???!!!!! My SIL goes 3 times a day and my OH 3 times a week but speaks to her daily. Yet she still says no-one cares about her!!!! OOOOh - just writing this gets me soo annoyed.

The only positive is that I know how NOT to behave with my DILs and SIL. Like Carrie, I, too, will be a model MIL

Anne xx

(member)

24/07/2008 12:00

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Thanks so so so so much for your brilliant replies - a real mix of emotion, humour, and experience both good and bad. It's comforting to know it's not just me (not that I thought that anyway, but you know what I mean) and it's been interesting mulling over your advice. What lovely ladies you all are. Yes Carrie - please be my 'virtual' MIL!!!!

I will let you know how it all goes, but meanwhile thanks for your contributions - they were great.

Hugs all round

SG65 xxx

(member)

24/07/2008 13:21

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

I have to work hard not to fall out with my MIL. So far we've only had one row and that was when I had to calm down a situation where she'd upset my OH so much he was refusing to go near her and she actually told me that I was wrong to put my husband first ahead of her and should support her against him (I don't think so!)! That made me so angry! We live close enough to be able to pop in a few times a week - I really couldn't cope with stopping over!

(member)

24/07/2008 13:22

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

OK SG, now lets get one thing clear.

As your virtual MIL.

I dont do babysitting.

I expect flowers every week.

Sunday lunch every other week.

Presents for my birthday and Christmas
and "surprises" every other month.

Designer bags only please.

OH almost forgot, will go on foreign holls with you
but dont expect me to sit in.

On a more serious note - try talking to her and telling her how you feel.

Good Luck.

(member)

24/07/2008 16:18

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Hi Carrie

I'll have to have a think about your demands!!!! In exchange, can we come over to Ireland for our holiday this year???!!!

Thanks again

SG

(member)

26/07/2008 11:45

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

You know your mother-in-law doesn't like you when she blames you for your husband's (her son) sudden death! Even though it was a brain haemorrhage which nobody can prevent or be the cause of... I accept she was grieving too, but she didn't think about how I was grieving, to lose the love of my life after only four years, leaving me a widow at 26 with two small sons. She didn't think how what she said would affect me.

But to be fair, she had never liked me so I perhaps shouldn't have been surprised at this outburst. From the beginning every thing I did was wrong.. I couldn't even hold a potato peeling knife properly apparently, was wasting far too much peel!! Then I didn't teach my sons potty training correctly.... then I was blamed for her having a heart attack, which turned out to be a fake one because she didn't get her own way, so her doctor confided in us after we had dashed across country. She had wanted us to visit, expected us to live in her pockets as her beloved daughter did even though we were hundreds of miles away and said daughter just a few. But because we didn't jump to her commands and actually defied her and went our own way, she had the 'heart attack'. I was never good enough... not an alice band, twinset and pearls type of gal you see. And of course, since she was always right, there was no talking to her.

So it was with some trepidation I met my second mother-in-law, who turned out to be a diamond, a sweetheart of a lady we still miss, even though she died ten years ago now.

(member)

28/07/2008 11:57

Re: MY MIL seems not to like me

Oh Gothfairy - your first mother in law sounds awful - what a complete and utter nightmare. I am so sorry you lost your husband in such tragic circumstances and so sorry she was so cruel to you. Well done for getting through it all and learning to live your life again.

Makes mine sound a lot less nasty, although my hubby did collapse a couple of years ago and she managed to blame it on me having a very challenging nephew who'd come away with us a couple of weeks before, so she has the potential for blaming me for something more awful I'm sure.

I guess there will always be nasty people in this world, but I am so glad you had a lovely MIL the second time around, bless her.

SG65 x

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