nowcemsi
(member)
17/07/2008 14:46
There is life after divorce

well now I am settled into this site, I thought I would tell you my story.

Ready?

Met and married the love of my life, we where married for ten years had one child; I was truly blessed, loved every day and then one day he said he didnt love me anyone, left the following day and well, one nervous breakdown later
I am here to say I survived and if anyone out there needs any help or just someone to listen




Here I am xx

gyp
(member)
17/07/2008 17:36
Re: There is life after divorce

Nowcemsi

Sorry to hear your story but you survived and have become stronger. I haven't been through it but there are so many people in your situation and yes you can help as you've been there and come through.

Good on you girl.

gyp

issi
(member)
17/07/2008 17:54
Re: There is life after divorce

How terrible Nowcemsi. I read it in just a few sentences but I know how terrible the pain is that you must have gone through. When someone gets out of all this and lives life again then it must help those just going through it. I have been with my OH for 37 years, married for 33. I can pinpoint at least 3 occasions when I desperately wanted to leave (and probably should have gone). Despite this we are still together. Marriage is no picnic.

emilykate2005
(member)
17/07/2008 20:39
Re: There is life after divorce *DELETED*

Post deleted by Pippa_Jackson

Fuschia
(member)
17/07/2008 21:40
Re: There is life after divorce

nowcemsi, that must have been horrific for you, and I'm glad you're able to pull your life together after this.

emilykate- please please know that you would never be punished for making the decision you did. I know how easy it is to slip into the guilt thing, especially when you're in the middle of something like this, but know that you made a decision that was right for you at that particular time in your life. There is no punishment for that.

I'm glad you're clear that you will not give up your children. And yes, there is definitely life after divorce. It might seem now that there is no light at the end of the tunnel but I'm remarried and I know that it's possible to meet someone wonderful. You deserve happiness, and you deserve to have a partner that will treat you with love and respect. Believe it will happen because it is possible.

anner06
(member)
17/07/2008 21:41
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate - I don't really know what to say, but felt I had to respond. You have gone through so much on your own and no wonder you feel all alone. This forum is full of lovely women and I am sure there will be someone who can give you wise words and advice.
All I can do is send you a massive hug - I,m sure you need one.
Anne
xx

lizalou
(member)
17/07/2008 21:42
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate, I was so sorry to read your post. You made the decision about your pregnancy for the best of reasons, and your subsequent tragic health problems are appalingly bad luck, but in no way deserved.
I am not very good at these sort of posts but hang on in there and I am sure lots of other messages of hope will come to you.
Lots of hugs...

Kimberley
(member)
17/07/2008 22:13
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate, what an awful four months you have had, I know it is difficult to believe at the moment but things will get better. Although I have not been through all that you have, I have had a similar experience. Don't feel guilty, you did what you thought was best for you and your family.

I suspect your husband is probably very angry and upset with you at the moment, hence why he wants you to leave without the children. Let things calm down and then you may both be able to talk it through and decide what is best for the children. You must try and be strong for the sake of your children.

Take Care

Lorca
(member)
17/07/2008 22:14
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate, I'd logged off before I read your post and felt compelled to login again. You've been through so much recently, am sending you huge hug ((((XXXX)))).
On a more practical note, do you have someone close you can talk to??? Try and get some legal advice. Keep your self fit you will need to be strong. Keep posting on here, some wonderful women.
Lots of love Lori

debenjane
(member)
17/07/2008 22:36
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate, the title of the post should give you some hope...many, many women on this site have experienced awful moments in their lives and have struggled through and come out the other side. Nowcemsi is proof that the light at the end of the tunnel will shine.
Decsions made alone are really hard to deal with if you have opposition but you made it for all the right reasons and should never feel guilty about it. Your focus now is regaining your health and hanging on to your children. You should stay and live in the family home with them. You do need to see a solicitor to have your rights explained, I managed to divorce my husband on the strength of one, half hour session costing £25. I told the solicitor to speak fast, tell me all the facts and put it in wrting when he sent the bill. He did exactly that and I am very grateful.

Your husband is clearly hurting and angry and may never calm down enough to see why you did what you did, but it's done now and if he says it's over then as I said, you must focus on your health and children.
Many wise women will be on this forum who will undoubtably offer sensible advice and you must never be afraid to ask for help.
Above all - NEVER feel guilty. B strong.
Sending big hug.

HeadGirl
(member)
17/07/2008 22:48
Re: There is life after divorce

I had to read this thread, as I really hope that it is true because I am just starting to go through divorce proceedings myself. There are many girls on this forum that have been there and have come out the other side stronger and in many cases, with a better OH than the one they had. Although I can't imagine it at the moment, I hope that maybe one day, I can feel happy again.

Nowcemsi, thank you for starting this thread and giving me hope. I am just starting to come to realise that this is really happening.

Emilykate, please don't feel that you are being punished for the decision you made - it was what was right for you at the time and you did it for the right reasons.

Sending big hugs to everyone who finds themselves in a similar situation tonight.

wisp1
(member)
17/07/2008 23:25
Re: There is life after divorce

In spite of the way you may be feeling at the moment there is very definately life after divoice and a good life at that.

It is scary to have to make decisions alone but try and see it as freedom to do what you want in the way you want, you will probably enjoy it once you get used to it.

Never blame yourself for past decisions, you made the best decision you could at the time, we all have decisions we regret but you need to recognise that it was the best way you could cope under those particular circumstances.

Sending hugs to everyone.

fun_dreamer
(member)
18/07/2008 00:07
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate
I just had to write to send you lots of love and hugs. I've been divorced for about 20yrs now and I remember back to those dark times waking up at 3am to stark reality, no house, no job, no money or savings, new surroundings - wondering how I would come through it. I was on my own with 2 small children and no family nearby. What pulled me through was support from other women who had been in the same situation- I will never forget them. I hope that the support you are getting on the forum helps in some way((x))

emilykate2005
(member)
18/07/2008 07:59
Re: There is life after divorce

Thank you everyone for your replies. You can't imagine how good it feels to know that other people are there, not judging and willing to offer kind words of advise.

I am trying very hard to stay positive and strong, although this still feels like the hardest trial of my life. I understand when Head Girl said she is just starting to realise that this is really happening as it is very easy to slip into denial and hope that it is a momentary blip. I know deep down that mine is not, that the marriage is over and I now have to pick the pieces of my life back together. How, I still don't know, nor how to cope with the knawing loneliness, fear and despair. I have an image in my mind of me 5 years from now and in that image I look happy and strong and I am clinging to that with all I have.

Again, thank you. I feel this may be a long road and have no idea how long it will take to get to the end of it, but will keep coming back on here to remind myself that others have been through this, survived and gone on to happier lives eventually.

skippy
(member)
18/07/2008 09:16
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate - i have only just read this post and feel so sorry for you. Your marriage was over years ago and you have been strong enough to continue in it for the sake of your children, now you must be strong enough for you all to have a life without him.
Get some practical advice from Citezens advice or a solicitor - your husband can not just throw you out.
Headgirl - i had no idea you were going through such a difficult time, i really hope things work out well for you.
There is life after divorce - many of us on here are happily married second time around and now realise what a crap marriage we had first time and are glad to be out of it. Think of this time as a new chapter, a chance to do whatever you want with your life - i wish all you ladies all the best. GROUP HUG!!!

Seahorse16
(member)
18/07/2008 10:47
Re: There is life after divorce

Nowcemsi,
I've just read your post and just wanted to cheer you on.
I'm going through this too (seperated for ten months)and, in the very early days just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there and thank you (and everyone else who's been through this) for reminding those of us who are going through it, that, actually, we do and can cope - even at 3 a.m. in the morning.

EmilKate - I didn't get to read your post but I'm sending you a huuuuge hug. Life will get better. Honest.

OzzieKez
(member)
18/07/2008 11:36
Re: There is life after divorce

To all of you who are going through dreadful times. We all make bad decisions from time to time and sometimes we make our own situation worse. Didn't get to read your post Emilykate, but I'm thinking that you probably would benefit from seeking professional advice. I reckon it takes about two years to recover from divorce. How well we recover depends on how much effort we put in to our recovery. My mum said, accept all help that is offered and go everywhere that you are invited. It is a time of getting to know yourself and a chance to reinvent yourself.
Its not easy but it sure beats laying down and dying inside.
If I can get through it and come out of it with a better life, anyone can!

anner06
(member)
18/07/2008 15:22
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate - you sound more positive today. Get some legal advice - do not let your feelings of guilt result in you making a decision that you will regret in the future. Many solicitors offer a free first consultation or the citizens advice offers free legal advice.
Anyone who has gone through a divorce will say how tough it is. My divorce finally came through about a month ago, but I had been separated for 18 months. The toughest 18 months of my life, going from being a wife and mother who worked because I wanted to, to being a single parent, working because I have to. I think alot of it is realising that the one person you thought you could rely on and had shared so much with was not the person you thought they were. I felt so let down and cheated, but things do get better.

Tufty
(member)
19/07/2008 14:02
Re: There is life after divorce

My marriage has not been good for a long time.
But it is difficult to make that final move. I am very aware of the children ( although they are not daft and are aware things are not right)
But it is scarey not knowing emotionally what lies ahead if it all comes to an end.

But I wish it was just me and my girls

It is nice to read of positive outcomes in the end!

Love and best wishes to everyone who is in an 'unhappy place'
x

lynn123
(member)
19/07/2008 19:46
Re: There is life after divorce

Just wanted to say how touching it is to see how many women are there to support eachother in our times of need. x

emilykate2005
(member)
19/07/2008 19:58
Re: There is life after divorce

Tufty

You are very astute in all you say. I am very aware of my two children too and the damage a seperation can wreak on them now and in their future life. I tried to talk to my H this morning but he has spelled it out that he does not want to be with me anymore. It leaves me quite terrified and with no clue as to what to do. The atmosphere in the house is unbearable as I am being literally ignored and to be told he does not love me was, well, I can't really even describe.

I also wish it was just me and my children. I also wish I had been in a marriage that could have worked for them. The whole thing leaves a very bad feeling in my stomach, heart and chest and the thought of starting again from scratch is not something I'm allowing myself to contemplate right now.

Thank you all. I really am not a depressive, just going through a depressing time!

x

anner06
(member)
20/07/2008 22:03
Re: There is life after divorce

Emilykate
It is tough being a single parent, but it is far better than living with someone who doesn't love you or respect you.

smaureen
(member)
20/07/2008 22:52
Re: There is life after divorce

You say you are not depressive, but are naturally feeling very low about the situation. You should allow yourself to grieve for the lost relationship and then make plans for the future. Take up a new hobby or go to nightclass, whatever you decide do it for yourself and your own self esteem, don't feel pressured into anything. Believe in yourself - just because one person has decided to stop loving you does not mean that you are unloved. Your life must be very very difficult at the moment, but try not to feel like a 'victim'.

kambinky
(member)
20/07/2008 22:55
Re: There is life after divorce

Just joined this forum today! Its 7 years since my divorce and I am so glad I finally made the decision to do it. I had clung on to a bad marriage for the sake of the children!!! A funny phrase. We do our best - marriage is not easy but neither is divorce. With children - and now grandchildren the effects are always there. My wonderful man has changed my world and I actually want to get married again!! So best wishes to all who strive to do their best - you'll come out stronger and happier in time.

need2know
(member)
22/07/2008 18:41
Re: There is life after divorce

Hi Nowcemsi, I hope you are happy now after all you've been through. I have been flogging a dead horse in my so called marriage and am about to throw in the towel. The thing is he has no intention of going anywhere and I can't really afford to, so we are stuck in the same house which will never sell the way things are going. I have given him every chance to make amends and he hasn't so I think it's about time I gave up. I just have difficulty getting through my thick skull that the man who when he first saw me knew I was the one for him, is ready to give up on his marriage so easily.Life's a bitch at times isn't it?

Chickadee
(member)
23/07/2008 11:36
Re: There is life after divorce

Have only just found this thread and would just like to echo what so many others have said - that life can be better after a divorce.

I got divorced 14 years ago. Three children, then aged 10, 12 and 2. From then on, for about 10 years, EX would never see all three children together, as it was "too difficult", except on Christmas Day, when he would come to my house for the day. He had new cars, expensive holidays, money to throw around - but I had the love and respect and the company of my kids and that was beyond price.

We sold the big beautiful family home, so that we could both have somewhere to live; I gave up my rights to ex's (huge) pension, so that I could have a much larger share of the money to buy a 4 bed house. Within a couple of years I was also looking after my father who had a series of strokes and TIAs that left him frail and confused. There were times when I thought I would go under, but I couldn't because too many people were dependent on me. I would dry my eyes and put the kettle on.

But we survived. My sons were entirely educated through the state system, but one went to Cambridge, the other to Oxford. All my children have been active in local charities, churches, youth groups and Duke of Edinburgh's. I honestly do not believe that they suffered significantly as a result of the divorce, except in so far as it made their father's lack of commitment to them more obvious - it was masked when we were together, but they are all aware of it now, though not as a result of anything I have ever said to them.

As the children got older, the maintenance my EX paid reduced. I retrained and worked hard and made a success of a new career. I managed to regain my financial independence, and when my dear father died, used the small sum he left me to pay off my mortgage. I have met and built up a relationship with a lovely kind man, who , unlike EX, doesn't have two beans to rub together (tho' he has got a lot of sheep!) but would fetch me the moon on a plate if I asked him for it.

I don't think I would ever marry again - I value what I have achieved too highly, but my life is sooo much better than it was 10 years ago. I am truly sorry my marriage broke down, but I cannot regret the course my life has taken.

Sorry this is such a long post, but I hope it gives some hope and encouragement to those of you who are currently going through such painful times.

OzzieKez
(member)
23/07/2008 13:15
Re: There is life after divorce

Valaber what a wonderful and inspirational tale. I am glad you took the time to post it.

ejane
(member)
23/07/2008 14:18
Re: There is life after divorce

Valabar - I KNEW you were lovely when I met you on Saturday but as I read each of your posts my admiration for you grows. You seem to have the most gentle and generous of spirits. Now I read what a gutsy so and so you are too!!

I respect you enormously and yes, your story is inspirational. You haven't fluffed over the pain but have integrated it into a story of hope.

Thank-you so much. Oh, I do wish you lived a closer - I would love to be your friend.

ejanexx

Fuschia
(member)
23/07/2008 14:39
Re: There is life after divorce

Val - that is a wonderful story. It says so much for you that you've managed to come through this difficult time and come out the other end so well. I think sometimes we can learn so much through all the pain we suffer, and you certainly have. Some people never move on because of bitterness and not letting go but you've done a great job. I'm so happy you've met someone who now treats you like you deserve to be treated.

I'll add my bit too. I'm married for the second time - nearly 17 years now and my husband is wonderful and like Val's partner, would do anything for me. It's such a different relationship from my first and I couldn't love or appreciate him more.

Chickadee
(member)
23/07/2008 18:19
Re: There is life after divorce

Thanks girls, I wasn't sure about posting such a long tale, but I think it is important to know that once you hit rock bottom the only way is up! I should have added that my lovely d. who is still at home now keeps me sane and in order.

Jane, thank you for your kind words. I try to show the qualities you praise, but all too often fall short! By the way, you don't have to live nearby to be my friend...



Seahorse16
(member)
23/07/2008 18:48
Re: There is life after divorce

Can I just say that Valaber's post was lovely. Really, really inspiring. Thank you. :-)

dizeeblonde
(member)
23/07/2008 18:57
Re: There is life after divorce

I agree val you are so inspiriational in what you have posted......... proof that there is life after divorce........ so everyone who is going through the dark times now take note you will come out on the other side wiser stronger and although you may not believe it right now happier........... on a lighter note we could start an ex wives club on here LOL

need2know
(member)
23/07/2008 20:27
Re: There is life after divorce

I agree with everyone Valaber-you have done a wonderful job. Inspirational stories like this really do help for those of us still slugging it out!

issi
(member)
24/07/2008 23:03
Re: There is life after divorce

I met Val and one of her lovely sons last Saturday and I echo everything you have all said.

Seahorse16
(member)
25/07/2008 17:56
Re: There is life after divorce

Quote:

on a lighter note we could start an ex wives club



It'd probably be enormous right from the start!

LINN
(member)
25/07/2008 18:20
Re: There is life after divorce

Just re-joined the forum after a short break, great advice from everyone, i am just going through a separation after 28years married, my o/h has met some one else, yes it knocks you for six, you feel like the only one in the world suffering, until friends and the forum start listening and helping you get over this awful time, i do have very bad days, then i pick myself up again. Its a huge emotional roller coaster, something i would not wish on anyone!!
If it was not for family and friends i don`t know where i would have ended up!!

45678
(member)
29/07/2008 04:14
Re: There is life after divorce

There most definitely is life after divorce! It takes a while to get there, but it is worth persevering. I've been married for 17 yrs to a marvellous man who is my best friend too, but I went thru' a hellish divorce first. It's my daughter's wedding next year and my husband is going to be as proud as punch when he gives her away. Both my children consider him to be their 'Dad' as he has made a brilliant job of being a step-parent (how I hate that term!).
Life as a singleton is hard but good friends help and get you thru' the dark times. Keep on trucking!
Anniemary13

45678
(member)
29/07/2008 04:15
Re: There is life after divorce

I'm in.
Anniemary13

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