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Moco
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(member)
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16/07/2008 20:54
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daughters in law
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what is your relationship like with your son's wife or girlfriend? I like mine, she makes him happy but it always seems at times like Christmas etc they do tend to steer towards her family. Do you think that saying "a son's a son till he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all your life" has elements of truth? Would be interested to hear about your experiences as s a mother in law or daughter in law 
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Re: daughters in law
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I have posted before about my MIL. I have no children, which has been a source of anguish for MIL, not because she hasn't got any grandchildren, but she thought it would give her something in her life to be involved in. She has never cut the apron strings and remains jealous of anything or anyone that takes her son and daughter away from her. She can be downright rude to us if she doesn't get her own way and her share of attention. I would have loved to have had a supportive MIL as my parents are now dead , but I have accepted she is too selfish to see anyone elses point of view . We have been married 25 years and she cannot even manage to be in the same restaurant as us to celebrate ..she hasn't even wished us well.
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hollyj
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(member)
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16/07/2008 21:23
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Re: daughters in law
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role reversed for me, i have 2 daughters and 2 sil. both lovely i have to say,one has just had major heart surgery a week ago and is recovering well.one is close to his mum, she is lovely, we are good friends as well,the others mum is a selfish me me me person, i suppose he is closer to my side than hers.You get what you give and take i think !! sons,daughters in law alike.
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Re: daughters in law
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Hi Moco, my relationship with my DIL is very good, but I do agree to a certain extent about the saying " a son is a son till he takes a wife". My DIL has a very good relationship with her parents and she does see more of them than us. But she always goes out of her way to try and include us in things and share the holidays too. Today she txt me and said cud she and my first grandchild, pop in this afternoon to see me, she stayed 2 1/2 hours, we had a laugh and a chat, and changed the nappy and fed the baby, it was all wonderful. Infact I have just txt her to say Thankyou, and that I am still on cloud 9.She is a good wife, and I know she loves my son dearly. She does have a moan about him, which I think is quite normal, and I have a moan back, I never take his side all the time. I tell her she is my favourite DIL, even tho she is my ONLY DIL, and hope that makes her feel special. I tell her I love her, and respect her. I even got invited to her Hen weekend in Barcelona with all her friends, we had a whale of a time, and I stood up and said a few words at the dinner, to say what I felt about her. So I hope she knows she's one of the family in my eyes.
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issi
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(member)
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16/07/2008 22:26
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Re: daughters in law
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Snowy,that is one of the loveliest things I have ever read about in-laws. I always wished my MIL was exactly the way you are, but she is not. Our relationship is civilised on the surface but very poor underneath. She has never forgiven me for taking her son away.
As for the saying a son is a son until he gets a wife. I believe that to be true. In the main it is the woman who makes the home and if she chooses to make someone uncomfortable then she can. Men seem to go along with whatever the wife does as far as domestic matters are concerned.
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Re: daughters in law
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I get on well with my daughter in law, she is a good mother and wife we have often shared a bottle or wine or two,she sees more of her family but does include our family in most things, I do feel that I am slowly losing my son he seems to consult with my DIL over any plans and I have the feeling that what she says is what is going to happen, but they are happy together so thats what matters.
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Re: daughters in law
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My son's girlfriend (they are getting married some time but don't know when.) is a sweetie. She is a very down to earth aussie girl, from Perth. The kids live in London so although she is onto her parents regularly by skype, she has had to become a surrogate daughter too. She is the kick up the backside my son needs. They bicker like hell but it works. Don't get me wrong, my son is adorable - very bright, lovely dry sense of humour, comes out with some brilliant one liners but is so laid back he is horizontal. If the chips were down, she wouldn't hesitate to ask our advice. We have helped them onto the property ladder andshe was the first to thank us. It's also nice for me to have another female as with 2 sons and OH, I have always been surrounded by males. Finally, the icing on the cake, I now have a beautiful grandson because of her.
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Re: daughters in law
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I have to say I'm very lucky with my 2 DIL - but as they both live near their parents (1 in Holland and 1 in Scotland!) we don't see them as much. But they are lovely girls and we have chats on the phone. Very importantly, as my sons are great friends, the girls get on well together. I love being able to buy them girlie presents after being surrounded by 4 sons and OH! I call them my favourite Dutch DIL and my favourite Scottish DIL!
My SIL has such problems with her 2 DIL that I feel truly blessed.
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Re: daughters in law
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I've not got children but from the DIL's perspective I guess it's natural to be closer to your M than your MIL. My MIL is hard work (I've said that before) and is very "me, me, me" and often I'm the one acting as peace maker between her and my OH when she's upset him. On the surface we get on fine but it is an effort (I do a lot of counting to 10 and higher). Last time I had to sort out a disagreement she told me she didn't like the side of me she was seeing and felt it was wrong that I was supporting my OH against her!
I think the secret is for a MIL to see their DIL as a friend and not as an additional child or just an attachment to their S. My ex's M saw her DILs and SILs as her friends and had a good relationship with all of us even those who were only short-term partners or didn't marry into the family (which continued after some of the relationships ended) but my MIL refers to both her S's and DILs as "the children" or "my children" and I think that's what she sees us as hence the difficulties.
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Re: daughters in law
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I have a wonderful DIL. As we only had two boys she's like the daughter we never had. ES and DIL have a lovely little girl whose 3. When they booked their wedding for last December her mam called to see me and told me as I only had boys I would never have the excitement of a daughter's wedding. So I was part of the wedding plan from day one. I was so grateful for that. I was also included in the Hen weekend. I swore from day one that I would never turn out like my own MIL who was a total b****. As my own mother had died just after my own wedding I always felt I had no family to fall back on. I swore when my time came I would be different.
I hope I am as DIL and I get on great. She calls me every day either on phone or text and we do things together like mother & daughter would. I will never call to their house unless invited or phone first and would never take sides or even listen to them moaning about each other if they have a tiff. "Not my business" is my answer. Her parents are lovely and we often meet up for a drink in each others houses and would include and be included in all family parties.
My other son has a lovely girlfriend too and hopfully I'll be a nice MIL to her when the time comes.
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Re: daughters in law
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I had the most awful MIL on the planet, I tried to help her all I could, cooking meals to take round and put in her freezer as she was very arthritic, did all her washing ironing, cleaning anf gardening and decorating. I used to run her around in my car and always put on a smile, even though it was very hard sometimes.
The relationship finally broke down when after a particularly difficult Christmas (she always came to us for a few days),My Aunt had also spent that Christmas with us and my MIL was so rude and obnoxious to her, that I told her if she didn't behave when she was in out home then she wouldn't be invited again, she promptly threw a temper tantrum and insisted she be taken home and then turned all the meals I had cooked out of her freezer saying it was the worse cooking she had ever tasted.
Needless to say I never helped her again.
On the other hand I have the most gorgeous DIL and we have great fun together, her Mum and I are great friends as well and the three of us spend a lot of time together. It's perfect.
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Re: daughters in law
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Can I put a twist on this please Moco?
If I had two lovely daughters,the ED has not spoken to me since 1995 and the YD gave away her son when he was 17months old!!! 
I prospectively had or even may have two lovely SIL's
How ironic is that.? 
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Moco
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(member)
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18/07/2008 17:37
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Re: daughters in law
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really interesting, thanks for your replies
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Re: daughters in law
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i have loads of probs with my mother in law...and my father in law and my sister in laws (i have 3) they tell me what i should be putting on my kids what i should and shouldnt be doing with them and well basically everything, its quite a strained relationship although we get on but i dont think its a genuine like. like they say you can choose your friends you cant choose your family 
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tosh
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(member)
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04/08/2008 16:22
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Re: daughters in law
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my mil was very difficult and I vowed I would try and get on with my dils when they came along which I do. We have just returned from a week in France with our son and family and had a great time I look on the dils as friends and as long as they make my sons happy thats Ok with me. I do agree though that they go to her parents at Christmas etc but I can understand that and they usually come to me sometime after. My MIL could never forgive me for taking her little darling away!!
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Re: daughters in law
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As a DIL I think that in the end MILs - and mothers for that matter - get back what they give out. I started married life trying to treat both my mother and my MIL equally, desperately trying not to spend more time with one set of parents than the other. Over the years, my mother has stepped back and hasn't interfered once, whereas my MIL has not only interfered but has constantly undermined me and chosen to favour the grandchildren who are more like my husband's side of the family than mine. She is no doubt feeling hard done by that we don't see her very often these days, but she has only herself to blame.
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Re: daughters in law
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I have a fab DIL. She met my eldest son just after her mum died and my marriage had split up. They became sole mates and comforted each other with their own problems. My son did not take too well to me leaving my marriage, but it was my DIL who persuaded him to attend my wedding reception when I remarried a few years later. She told him "you only have one mum, so make the most of her". She won an instant place in my heart!!
We get on very well, especially since she has now given me 2 beautiful granddaughters, whom I idolise. I give them all alot of help and in a way, am her substitute mum, but also a friend.
She is the daughter I never had!
Amelica2
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issi
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(member)
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05/08/2008 09:13
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Re: daughters in law
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I was undermined by my fil, mil and grand-mil for many years but did not know. Only my mil is still alive and although she is mostly OK with me I find it hard to forget how nasty they all were about me behind my back and my naivety in not noticing. I never knowingly did anything to upset them (apart from marrying my OH) and even today will do my "duty" in making sure mil is ok and seeing her every week. She lives nearby and I would see her every day if things were different.
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Re: daughters in law
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Issi, my MIL sounds just like yours. I,too, do my 'duty' visiting, taking for her hospital appointments and having her round for sunday lunch. She has 4 sons and 1 daughter - I'm the only DIL that speaks to her - that in itself speaks volumes. I have a DIL, but unfortunately my Ys is getting divorced so we don't see her. I treated her just like my daughter and loved her too. My Es gets married in september so will have another DIL - who is lovely. My daughters fiance is absolutely brilliant and is just like a son to us. My own mum died 7 years ago but she never interfered unlike my MIL.
Anne xx
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