(member)

07/07/2008 21:16

Do I stay or do I go?

My second marriage - daughter 23 by first husband - who turned out to be gay - much to my present husbands delectation. So much has happened recently, and perhaps I am too emotional at the moment; my mum died suddenly 3 weeks ago and I am not coping well with that, husband retired 12 months ago and has been horrendous to live with since then - though not easy prior to that either - (he had a highpowered job - and also seems to suffer from OCD! I had an early menopause, starting about 3 years ago. Have no inclination for sex (causes problems there). I really feel I have no emotions, and cannot deal with his silent treatment towards me anymore. Should I just call it a day and be on my own - as then I have no aggravation? Any advice from you wise ladies would be much appreciated. I have suggested counselling to him, but he is not keen on that...

(member)

07/07/2008 21:22

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi,
I notice that you have only registered today , so welcome. Oh dear, I am not sure what to advise or even where to start, but I do have personal knowledge of grief and it can take a long time to get over the death of a parent. I wouldn't rush into anything hasty here, I wonder if your husband realises the pain of the bereavement...perhaps a visit to your GP might help it sounds as if you are depressed and everything seems too black and bad to deal with.

(member)

07/07/2008 21:32

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Like Ros I hardly know what to say, what a sad situation. But dont rush into anything so soon after your mothers death, just give yourself lots of love and care.
I am sure that others will send you more words of wisdom.

(member)

07/07/2008 21:34

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Personally I would go! Sorry to be so blunt.
This is very definitely YOU time. You cannot be expected to deal with his childish behaviour and lets face it many of them just revert to being children (as you can probably tell I am on my own!!)
You need to have your own space to do as you wish, even if that means lying in bed all day crying, so be it.
whatever YOU want to do, do it.
BUT just be sure to keep some cherished friends, or close family in the loop and TALK to them when you feel down. Although you don't think so it is good to talk.
I have been through some horrendous times and I now know that keeping it bottled up inside helps absolutely noone expecially you.
I really really wish you well.
tsn xx

(member)

07/07/2008 21:39

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Sorry, me again. Although the situation is completely different, you may find it helpful to read the Marriage Guidance post of a few days ago, lots of thoughtful advice there.
And councelling by yourself would be a step forward, if your OH is not willing to take part.
Best wishes.

(member)

07/07/2008 21:45

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

P.S to my earlier post...
if you do go it might make him buck up his ideas a bit?

(member)

07/07/2008 22:09

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi Belinda, sorry you are having such a rough time. As if the sudden loss of your mother on top of coping with the menopause were not enough, your H is now acting like a spoiled kid - men can be so selfish, I know where you are coming from.

You've indicated that your sex life is suffering but if your H is giving you grief or simply not caring about all you have on your plate, the sex is unlikely to get better all by itself I'm sorry to say. I think it would be worth you going to councelling yourself a few times to work out what you want - you may even find that you just need more time to decide but at least its a step in the right direction and it will allow you to sort your head out.

Wishing you luck whatever you decide to do

(member)

07/07/2008 23:00

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi Belinda, so sorry you're having such a tough time. I think at the moment even though you say you feel you have no emotions you obviously have or you wouldn't be in this dilemma. My advice would be to look after yourself first for a while. Your feelings will be all over the place after losing your mother and I think you need to grieve a whie before making any rash decisions. Hopefully things may seem a bit clearer in a while.

(member)

07/07/2008 23:06

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Belinda, I'm so sorry things are so tough for you right now.

There are obviously a number of issues, but there is one thing I know for sure.... it is much,much too soon after your mothers death to make any huge life-changing decisions. Be kind to yourself, and take things easy for a while....

Sending you a big hug xxxx

(member)

08/07/2008 00:00

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi Belinda

What a tough time you are having sorry to hear so- you have come to the right place though for help and support.

It's not suprising you are not into sexual matters really is it? Your OH throwing his teddy's around cause he's not in his high powered job ordering everyone around, you having problems with the menopause( although personally I've found it was my ex causing those problems not my menopause- but hey ho!) and then you trying to deal with the loss of your much beloved I'm sure mother.

It sounds like you need some sort of help- try getting in touch with CRUSE the bereavement charity they can an will help that will help with the sadness and coming to terms with your loss, everyone involved with CRUSE that I have come across has lost a dear loved one and will understand where you are coming from.

Don't make any hasty decisions about anything you need time to come to terms with everything that is going on in your life- has your OH lost someone dear to him? If he hasn't he will have absolutely no concept at all as to how you are feeling at present.

Big Hugs thinking of you

S x

(member)

08/07/2008 00:19

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

I think you are both going through so much at the moment.
You with the loss of your Mother and coping with the menopause.
Then on the other hand your husband is having to cope with retirement.
It must be difficult for him to suddenly have a high powered job one minute where he is in control to be at home where he probably feels lost.
A lot of men find retirement hard to come to terms with.
Does he have outside interests?
Befor you make any sudden decisions i would get him to sit down with you and try to talk about what is happening to you both, and what if anything you can do to to ease the situation.
Tell him that you are so unhappy at the moment you are. thinking of giving up on your marriage.
He might not realise how desperate you are.
Men somtimes find it hard to express themseves, he could be feeling just as bad as you do.
I think communication is the key word here.
I do hope things work out for you.

(member)

08/07/2008 08:34

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

My view is that 3 weeks after your mum's death is not the right time to make a life changing decision, as you are still going through the early stages of grief and your judgement may be clouded. Try and give yourself some time to grieve for your mum first x

(member)

08/07/2008 09:42

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Belinda, as RunGirl says, now's not the time to be making life changing decisions. I'd suggest you visit your GP as they can put you in touch with a grief counsellor (my MIL has finally agreed she needs help a year after losing FIL and is going to her GP for advice today as he offered this almost a year ago) but also for advice on your lack of sex drive as this could just be a symptom of your hormonal changes and could be sorted out very easily which might help things between you and your OH.

As for your OH - if he's had a very high-powered job he's probably feeling a bit lost and hopeless with a lack of direction and most men revert to being small (stroppy) boys when their lives aren't going as they should. Has he got any hobbies or interests that give him a routine? Will he talk to you about how he feels?

(member)

08/07/2008 10:41

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Good morning Belinda --- I have sent you a PM

with love

ejanexx

(member)

08/07/2008 11:09

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi Belinda,Welcome to the Forum.

I do agree with the other girls,that at the moment your feelings are a bit raw to make such a massive decision.
Have you tried thinking back as to why you married your husband in the first place,it may seem a strange thing to do but it has worked for me before;just getting out the wedding photographs and reliving my wedding day helps tremendously if OH and myself are going through a rough patch.Thankfully we don't have many but I can say that those we do have nearly always have a direct link to circumstances and not to how we actually truely feel about each other.
Recently,a friend of mine lost her mother and turned to CRUSE for help,they really were very good at helping her to cope with her loss.She could so easily have slipped into a decline but with their help and support she overcame it and found the strength to deal with other problems as well.
Have you got a good friend that you can talk to?,sometimes another person that you know well,will be a great shoulder and a good listener.
Whatever you decide to do,I wish you the very best of luck.
Take care of yourself and remember we are here for you as well.
love
annemari x

(member)

08/07/2008 11:42

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi there
my mother died two months ago, and I am very emotional, looking at the family (husband two daughters well women now) and am thinking is this all there is? I am very much like walking water.

I put all this down to, decades of caring for the children and then my elderly parents until they finally died and now after putting myself last at my age I feel I am too mature to do anything new?

My advices are, do not go anywhere, because pretty much IT WILL GO WITH YOU albeit to a hotel room, a flat a bedsit
indeed whereever you choose

are you not trying to run away from IT? whatever IT IS

with regard to the sex thing - you are bereft and sometimes the libido just goes on holiday for a while
maybe you feel you have no right to embark on a physical relationship right now with your husband, why is it that men dont just cuddle us? a cuddle is always for them a precursor to sex isnt it ladies?

(member)

08/07/2008 12:29

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hello Belinda, So much has happened to you in such a short time and it seems without little support from others and these are changes that can change YOU as a person, we are all moulded by our life experiences. I know its an old chiche remark but you need to 'find yourself' the person who is under all those layers, daughter, ex-wife, mother, wife to a retired husband. If it were me I would find myself a retreat a comfortable distance from home (they are not all religious)and have some 'me' time. People will be there who will be able to see things from a different angle and in most cases people find what they want and answer their own questions providing they have some one as a sounding board.
Best wishes J

(member)

08/07/2008 13:15

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi Belinda62. Have a chat to your GP. You have a awful lot going on there. Its time for some serious self care. Dont worry about your OH, just get yourself back on track first. Joining this forum is a great step forward. Its like group therapy and a very supportive environment.
Enjoy yourself

(member)

08/07/2008 13:52

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi Belinda

I agree with what every says about not doing anything so soon after losing your mother. Take it slowly, then make the decision that suits you.

gyp

(member)

08/07/2008 21:14

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

I'm so sorry to hear all the difficulties you have been through not just recently, but for some time it seems. Sorry to hear about your mum. Grief will blurr your vision of what you want from life in the future but it sounds like this traumatic event has triggered a crisis and possible realisation that you haven't been happy for some time? Maybe you need to escape to a place of sanctuary with someone who can support you - maybe few days away with a supportive friend or relative who will be sensitive to your needs. With regards to counselling, I would definitely force this one when you are feeling stronger - afterall, what man would agree with counselling? I too have marriage problems at the moment (also the silent type) and have insisted on counselling or things will just not work btn us. Good luck, take things one day at a time.

(member)

08/07/2008 23:01

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

you try counselling and then you may feel clearer about making a decision.\
Or get on with your own thing and lead seperate lives, let his OCD take over the house and you get out and enjoy yourself.

(member)

10/07/2008 21:55

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Just wanted to update everyone and thank you for all the helpful advice and support you have been giving me...
I went to my GP and she has suggested I need some antidepressants to help me through this bad time; and also HRT - which I didn't want to take in the past - but will give it a go. OH and I also have had long talks and it really has helped. So thank you all - for your support. It is so good to know there is someone just round the corner to give different suggestions in times of need. I hope I can be there for one of you in the future.

(member)

11/07/2008 08:26

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Great news Michelle. Hope things continue to improve, this could be a whole new phase for you (& your marriage).

(member)

11/07/2008 18:29

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Take one day at a time. Time is a great healer and your H will get used to being retired and will find things to do it takes time to adjust. The black hole you feel your in at the moment will fade. Positive thinking works.

(member)

12/07/2008 11:43

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

GO GO GO GO!!!! i left my husband after 35years, i was unhappy, arguing, shouting and then weeks of silence Never ate together, slept together thats about it.wish i left years ago. i am now going through my divorce which is horrid, but i am so very much happier. Your only here once, you must both be very unhappy so get out now.

(member)

12/07/2008 12:04

Re: Do I stay or do I go?

Hi there..welcome I am new here myself..but can understand some of the problems you have at the moment, I think that you are of course very sad at the moment and trying to cope with your bereavment.but it sounds like you were very sad before this happend, my instincts would be to try and make a new life for yourself, perhaps not right this minute as you have other issues to deal with, I myself have had the silent treatment/the sulking/the going off to bed for days/the silent meals etc etc..and if I had my time again I would have left long ago, we only have one life, don't waste any more years of YOUR LIFE!! because thats what it is it's yours!!! keep us informed and updated, thank goodnes for this site it's like having a bunch of little private margorie proops!! without havig to leave the house, and also it does make you realise that there are many out there with problems and like they say, "a problem shared is a problem halved"

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