(member)

07/07/2008 11:39

How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

Crikey - I only joined yesterday and now I'm asking for advice!!
Just found out today that my hubby has recently taken on not one but three loans!! The way I found out is that I was looking to consolidate my final two credit cards into one monthly lower payment - told hubby I was looking to do this. Anyway the loan company rang back and initially said it was approved and then during the conversation they did a credit search and she said that as my hubby had three loans already, we couldn't afford to take the one I was looking at! I pretended that I knew about his loans and that I was fine with it - but I'm gutted that he hasn't told me about them or discussed our finances before going ahead.

Our circumstances changed last year when I had our baby son (he's 10 months now) and weighing up the pros and cons of working/stay at home, we decided I'd be a full time mum. So I'm taking a career break for 3 years - worked for same organisation for 23 years and left a salary of over Ł20,000. So it's been a big hit on us financially. We also have my 10 yr old son from previous relationship living with us so demands on finances are never ending.

My hubby is a very private, proud man and I can only think that he's trying to make the best of our situation by taking these loans out to improve our finances - but it hurts that he hasn't discussed it. How on earth do I bring up the subject with him now?? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

(member)

07/07/2008 12:21

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

Hi Susie and welcome. I sympathise with you. It must have been a shock to see that your OH (other half) has been keeping this from you. There is only one way that I can see will work and that is to be completely honest. I would tell him exactly how you found out. You know your husband, approach it when you think he will be most receptive and say that you understand how much money matters to you both. Then work out the finances together. It may be that he has it all under control and you can be cool about it. If he continues to be secretive it may be that he feels swamped and wants to keep it from you. I am sure once the initial step is taken he will be relieved to share the burden. I wonder what others might say.

(member)

07/07/2008 12:21

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

Hi Susie,
I think you just have to come out with it and tell him how you found out.
He can't really be angry with you as he should have told you.
Also, hopefully not,but he may have got the loans because he's struggling with the finances and doesn't want to tell you - but it's a problem that should be shared.

Good luck and welcome to the boards!

Bluebella

(member)

07/07/2008 12:27

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

I dont know quite what to suggest but you definitely need to discuss this ASAP. Although I find money matters incredibly boring, I would like to think I would know if OH was borrowing or spending large sums of money.
You need to discuss things calmly and without blame-you are both in it together.
I think many people are in a similar position, money is not going very far these days. So, to lose Ł60,000 is going to make a huge impact on your lives.
Perhaps you could discuss plan B-- part-time work or other economies?
Good luck

(member)

07/07/2008 12:29

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

Hi Susie, the other ladies are right. Tell him honestly and give him the chance to explain. He's probably been worrying about it all and will be glad of the chance to tell you.

I did the same as you when I had our son. We're still getting out of the mess we got into, though we've come a long way, and it was all worth it, just to have time at home with our son.

Good luck.

(member)

07/07/2008 12:37

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

Thanks for your replies - I've been thinking about this all morning and have decided to broach the subject tonight - he knew the loan company were ringing me back today so that'll be a good inroad I think to a discussion.

I don't regret giving up my job to be at home with Jack - I love being a mum (I regret going back to work after having Ryan though - feel like I missed out a lot). I have taken a part-time job - well, casual really, as a waitress (just 1 or 2 nights a week)at my friend's fabulous restaurant. It doesn't replace even a tiny bit of my old salary but it's cash in my purse without dipping into child benefit or savings. So I feel like I'm doing something to help. We decided that the little bit of tax credit we get is paid into the joint account to help pay bills etc. Please don't get me wrong we're not on the bones of our bottoms here - It's more the issue that he didn't discuss finances. I appreciate all your advice.

(member)

07/07/2008 14:10

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

SusieL66,
I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt about the loans! To be honest I'd be annoyed if my OH even took out a new credit card without discussing it first and the thought of three loans would send me through the roof. We discuss everything financial, that way we're both certain of what's in the accounts and no nasty surprises when bills come in (we have separate accounts and a joint account but in practice it's all joint funds).

You really need to speak to him - at least you can raise the subject very easily due to the embarassment of being told this during a credit check! Three loans sounds very worrying to me (it's usually cheaper to take out a slightly larger loan than splitting the debt several ways). Perhaps he didn't realise that his credit status would be taken into account during the check, or perhaps he wanted to be 'found out'???

(member)

07/07/2008 15:58

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

Scary. The loans could go back ages or have gone on something you wouldn't approve of. Hope you get it out in the open.

(member)

07/07/2008 21:14

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

Just be honest...but I know this is difficult, because now you're wondering what else he hasn't told you about .

(member)

14/07/2008 12:23

Re: How do I bring up the subject without upsetting him - finances?

Oh dear. Do you have a joint bank account? I think you need to have a talk. It will be much easier for him if it is all out in the open.

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