(member)

03/07/2008 09:11

Should I tell the children

My partner left me last year after having an affair, some 15 months later is he still with this woman. He is now wanting to introduce the children to her. I still feel so much hurt and pain towards her and the last thing I want is for my children to have contact with her. The childern are still quite young. Is it right to tell them, why I feel so against this meeting. The thought of them spending any time with her is too upsetting for words. I'm really torn, I don't want to cause my children anymore pain and suffering, but how will I cope when all my feelings are still so raw. I've tried talking to my ex, but he isn't interested.

(member)

03/07/2008 10:12

Re: Should I tell the children

Hi Kaye23, I do not have any experience in this situation so possibly not the best person to give advice but I do know that if you are not ready for this then don't let it happen, you are still hurt and upset and until that goes away you just cannot move on in that direction. Let them see their father on his own, but if your not happy to let them spend time with him and his floozie then don't do it. I'm sure you are going to get some much better advice, but dont do anything that is going to cause you more pain. Take care, Denzy x

(member)

03/07/2008 10:14

Re: Should I tell the children

Hi Kaye. I haven't been there but I know someone for whom that kind of pain stayed with her for years and years. If your ex is staying with this woman long term then it seems inevitable that your children will be spending time with them both. You don't say how young they are. I feel for you. I know anyone would feel exactly as you do. I suppose the most important thing is to do the right thing for your children so it is really all about WHEN they start visiting them as a couple. If you are not ready (and will you ever feel as if you are) then stall until you can get some help from people who have been there, who I am sure will be sending you their wisdom on this forum. x

(member)

03/07/2008 12:32

Re: Should I tell the children

My partner deserted us when my daughter was 4, inevitably he moved in with THING and inevitably the access visits involved little one meeting THING. It hurt me, ...........

Now 25 years later little one, doesnt like him or THING and has worked it out

I know this is a short reply, go with it....... dont bad mouth your ex or her; in time things will work out okay
hide your jealousy and resentment.

Another warning is if and when they do meet him and her they may "play up" by being naughty, just roll with it
anyways Im here if you want someone to talk to xx

(member)

03/07/2008 12:43

Re: Should I tell the children

I think I'd do as nowcemsi suggests. Don't bad mouth her or the situation but you could just tell it like it is. 'Daddy decided he would rather spend time with the other lady than Mummy which is why he left and that's why Mummy doesn't really like the other lady'. The children will make their own minds up eventually but you don't have to pretend to like her just explain in whatever age appropriate way why you aren't happy with her or him.

Best of luck!!

(member)

03/07/2008 13:52

Re: Should I tell the children

I've never been in this situation but have seen friends go through it and all have found it very difficult to start with and each has dealt with it differently. To be honest the one whose children seemed least affected is the one who bit her lip and agreed that her children could see the new lady and has never bad-mouthed her in any way or implied she didn't like the new lady (the children didn't play up as there was nothing in their M's reactions to give them the impression that there was anything unusual about the situation and they were allowed to form their own opinion) although that doesn't mean it was easy for her. The one who called the new lady all the names under the sun and made it clear to the children that she didn't like her had a far harder journey (I guess because children always know which buttons to push to get a reaction).

I hate to say it but after 15 months I think you need to accept that she's a permanent fixture and that your ex has a right to involve her in every aspect of his life. I think you're lucky that he has told you first but do appreciate how difficult it must be for you. I think your best approach would be to ok the meeting and not let him know how upset you feel. That way he can't complain about you in front of the children or his lady and you'll have the upper hand.

(member)

03/07/2008 13:53

Re: Should I tell the children

Kaye, this must be so sad for you, of course you feel hurt, it will always be there.

I have seen this before within my family. One of my eldest sisters was very good about it, she never said a wrong word about the "other woman" or her ex husband, she even encouraged her son to spend time with them, it used to grate on the "other woman" no end. They never stayed together, they split up about 10 years later when he went off with their next door neighbour! The son and father don't see each other, he saw him for what he was a lying cheating coward!

Just remember that the children realise that you are both their parents and you won't stop loving them and that you and daddy just fell out of love (okay, you didn't by choice, but you will one day).... you just need to make sure that the kids know the difference between "husband and wife" and "parents".

Good luck, and don't let your bitterness affect your children!

(member)

03/07/2008 13:58

Re: Should I tell the children

My children were 3 and 6 when their father left to live with another woman. I refused to let them visit her but he took them anyway and told them not to tell me. As soon as they came home they told me and we had the most awful argument about it. Eventually they did meet her and they went for days out with her but never liked her and even told him that they did not want to see her.

On one occassion he took the children on holiday for a week and arranged for her to join them two days later as a 'surprise' for the children. They were really upset as they had been looking forward to spending quality time with their father. What really upset me however was the fact that he left the two boys alone in their hotel room, in a strange place, at night while he took her out for a meal and a drink on several occasions. When I found out I stopped him seeing the boys for a few months, they were happier and he didnt seeem bothered. He continued to let the boys down, if she wanted to go out they were told he couldnt see them that weekend and eventually the visits stopped completely.

He stayed in touch very infrequently until they were grown up and even now only gets in contact when he wants their help to do work around his house.

I wouldnt worry too much, do what is best for you and the children, they will make their own minds up about her and there is no way she will ever take your place in their lives,in fact you will become much closer to them as you are their only resident parent and will share every aspect of their lives. My two sons are grown up now but we are still very close and they are still very protective and caring of me.

It is very difficult at the time but things will work out, tell the children the truth about the situation so they are not confused or worried about what is happening. A lot of their friends will be in the same situation and this will help them to cope.

Good luck

(member)

03/07/2008 14:13

Re: Should I tell the children

Quote:

My children were 3 and 6 when their father left to live with another woman. I refused to let them visit her but he took them anyway and told them not to tell me. As soon as they came home they told me and we had the most awful argument about it. Eventually they did meet her and they went for days out with her but never liked her and even told him that they did not want to see her.

On one occassion he took the children on holiday for a week and arranged for her to join them two days later as a 'surprise' for the children. They were really upset as they had been looking forward to spending quality time with their father. What really upset me however was the fact that he left the two boys alone in their hotel room, in a strange place, at night while he took her out for a meal and a drink on several occasions. When I found out I stopped him seeing the boys for a few months, they were happier and he didnt seeem bothered. He continued to let the boys down, if she wanted to go out they were told he couldnt see them that weekend and eventually the visits stopped completely.

He stayed in touch very infrequently until they were grown up and even now only gets in contact when he wants their help to do work around his house.

I wouldnt worry too much, do what is best for you and the children, they will make their own minds up about her and there is no way she will ever take your place in their lives,in fact you will become much closer to them as you are their only resident parent and will share every aspect of their lives. My two sons are grown up now but we are still very close and they are still very protective and caring of me.

It is very difficult at the time but things will work out, tell the children the truth about the situation so they are not confused or worried about what is happening. A lot of their friends will be in the same situation and this will help them to cope.

Good luck

Where we married once to the same man?

One thing I forgot to mention, is that we (in these situations) carry on breaking our own hearts unfortunately because its darned difficult to fall out of love even though the missing party has.

Daddy doesnt love us anymore: was the main phrase used in this house

until one day I said, daddy loves you but mummy and daddy no longer love each other but we will always be friends
(such a liar I was LOL) but it works

After 25 years, my daughter sought him out, because he lost interest in her after a year of access visits (they usually do) and she found him to be a sad, humourless man

Thigns will be okay..........

(member)

03/07/2008 15:21

Re: Should I tell the children

This is a tough one Kaye because you need to separate your feelings as a Mum from those of a wife. Share the responsbility of the chldren, see what kind of a Dad he really is. He may turn out to be wonderful, he may (which is often the case) turn out to be a big let down. Let him see the children, regardless of her being there, she needs to know what life with him entails. In fact, encourage it. When you start to get over him (yes you will!) you will need time for you.

What the other ladies have said is true, the children will make up their own minds - and they will remember what a wonderful loving Mum they have, who let them do so.

Hugs for you, it is hard.

(member)

03/07/2008 16:13

Re: Should I tell the children

I have no personal experience of this, although my sister had a similar situation, so that, plus my gut feeling is that you should let them see her. You've been given some wise advice, I think- I totally agree about trying to separate your feelings as a mum from those as a wife.

The girlfriend is obviously around for the long term, and of course he will always be their father, so I think you will have to bite your lip and go along with it. Whatever you do don't badmouth them to the children- they (the children)will thank you for that in the long run.

I know this is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, as well as coping with the hurt, it must be almost unbearable. But, dig deep and do your utmost- trust that your children will see things how they really are when they are older, and form their own opinions.

Be strong. I send you a big hug, and lots of courage x

(member)

03/07/2008 17:37

Re: Should I tell the children

I would add to this thread from a different perspective and not sure if it will be helpful.

I had no contact with my dad for many years after he left my mum. I am one of six and we were all under 13 when he left. Its a long story but I did contact him many years later (about which he was over the moon) and got to know the man he was, and my step-mother who I blamed for the break-up was indeed a very nice lady and still is.

I was quite angry that Mum had turned us against him because he was still our dad, but I am happy to say that all six of us, in adulthood, got to know him. Mum never bad-mouthed him to us, but her devastation was raw for years and she was the world to us, so we stayed on her "side". If I could turn the clock back, I would have wanted him in my life through my teens, giving me away at my wedding, being part of my family, but it wasnt possible because I wouldnt have upset Mum for anything.

I know its early days, but as expat says she will no doubt become part of their lives and if you alienate your children against her, it will impact on their relationship with their dad, and they dont deserve to lose him from their lives.

My dad died last year and I am so very grateful that I got to know him, and myself and all my brothers and sisters were by his bedside when he died.

Be strong, hold your head up, and rise above it. The first few times will be difficult but it will get easier and you may be able to use the time alone to get your own life back on track.

I wish you lots of luck. Keep us posted on how it goes.

Vicky xx

(member)

03/07/2008 19:40

Re: Should I tell the children

Have sent you a PM.

Good luck.

(member)

03/07/2008 19:51

Re: Should I tell the children

Kaye23, I found it very hard when my ex remarried and wanted my d. to spend time with him and his new wife, but I put up with it, was careful not to criticise and in fact tried to get my d. to tolereate the "new woman" in his life. I discovered there was a sort of bonus - I actually got some time to myself, and once I got over the initial strangeness of it, it was quite nice to give myself a little bit of personal time.

You've been given lots of good advice - I would let the children go to their father's, and when they do, take that time for yourself - relax, give yourself whatever treat your budget will run to - a peaceful afternoon witha magazine, or some new nail polish or a massage, or time spent having coffee with a friend.

Your children will make their own judgements about your ex and his girlfriend.

(member)

03/07/2008 20:59

Re: Should I tell the children

Doing something for the first time always feels strange, a bit uncomfortable. Allow the children to visit their Dad, they need him. Bringing children into the relationship will only complicate things for him dont for a minute think that everything in the garden will be rosey when they visit him. Also use the time the children are with him to have some ME time - pamper yourself.
This cloud might just have a hidden silver lining!
Good luck xx

(member)

03/07/2008 22:12

Re: Should I tell the children

Hi Kaye. My husband left 17 months ago, so similar time to you. My children do see their dads girlfriend, but it took time as my son refused at first. He was 13 at the time so old enough to know what was happening and would not go in the house if she was there. Ironically, it was me who persuaded him - told him that he was making out that she was important. He finally agreed, but even now they do not get on/like each other. Being a teenager (nearly 15) he just grunts at her - like a Kevin.
I know how you must be feeling. I don't think she is worthy of spending time with my kids, but they do need to see their dad, and whether I like it or not, she comes as part of the package.
PM me if you want a chat,
Take care
Anne

(member)

04/07/2008 01:23

Re: Should I tell the children

I always think honesty is the best policy. My son was 18months when my ex left. The ex was reluctant to take Mitch for visits at the time because he took too much looking after. The excuses kept coming. At one point when Mitch was about 6, he thought that 3 months or so was a "fortnight" because his dad (& I use the term loosely) told him that he would see him 'in a fortnight.' As Mitch hit teenage years and our family needed a break from him because some of his behaviour was unbelievable, I begged for help or input from my ex. It never came. Our family loves Mitch and there will always be a place for him in our home but he has cut himself off from us. I wonder if its because it was done to him!

(member)

04/07/2008 08:59

Re: Should I tell the children

One thing I thought of last night... I've got three male friends who split from the mothers of their children when the children were very young (none of them left for someone else, in fact two of the mothers left for men they hardly knew leaving children behind). All have been as involved as possible in their children's lives and have worked hard to communicate with their ex. The ones whose OH's left for other men felt the way those of you who've been in that situation say you feel but did everything they could to make sure the children never saw any arguements or unpleasantness. The children are all growing up to be lovely people and seem to care equally for both parents. I know it can be done but it does seem to take a lot of self-sacrifice from both parents especially when a new OH appears on the scene.

(member)

04/07/2008 10:53

Re: Should I tell the children

Kaye I've pm'd you. I would say though, don't play games or hide your feelings, the childen are in the middle of this, they will pick up on how you truly feel.

(member)

04/07/2008 11:07

Re: Should I tell the children

Hi, I know this would be difficult but in my experience if you pretend to be unbothered and indifferent about the whole situation and to the children seeing the other woman this will REALLY REALLY get to your ex and her! If things go well the kids will play up any way then your ex and her will have a massive argument and hey presto your 1 up and smiling. Keep your pride, chin up, keep smiling!!!

(member)

04/07/2008 13:42

Re: Should I tell the children

I'd go with AJS67 on this - you get to look great, she ends up not as perfect as he may have thought...

(member)

04/07/2008 14:39

Re: Should I tell the children

Kaye - first of all I'm really sorry this happened to you. It must hurt like hell, especially since he's still with the woman.

However I really believe the important thing now is the children. They need to feel loved and security from both you and your ex and not feel like they're ever in the middle. They take so much on and can feel like it's their fault etc. The best thing (and I'm sure the hardest) is to never say a bad word about either your ex or the woman and be as strong as you can be. So many of us here have been divorced and I'm sure seen the results it can have on the kids. We need to make it as easy as we can for them. Good luck with whatever you decide. x

(member)

04/07/2008 18:49

Re: Should I tell the children

Hi,
I have no personal experience of this , but I agree with you on this....My SIL split up from her husband and there was a lot of bitterness about his new wife and my SIL tried her hardest to bad mouth him to the boys. It has back fired on her now and the boys think of their father as only being able to provide financially for them ,no more than that

.

(member)

04/07/2008 22:09

Re: Should I tell the children

Ha Ha. I was thinking along the same lines. She will be caught off guard by your sweet forgiving nature and it will confuse her (and him). Unless she has (her) children living with them she will not be used to sharing your ex's attention.If she has never had children she will be in for a big surprise as they do what children do best. Just sit back, go for a pamper day and relax.

(member)

08/07/2008 22:57

Re: Should I tell the children

Never use childrens as pawns in any relationship.

The younger they are the more accepting they are of other people.
How would you feel if you meet someone . do you want to not introduce them.
I have experience of this as I left someone after 10 years but I was glad when he met someone else as I have seen how screwed up another member of my familys children have been when they were younger and the mum left without taking them.

You need to move on and hating a woman you do not know is not the answer. There will be plenty of good books on amazon about similar situations. Only you can make the decision but do it for the children and thier well being not your own bitterness. Your time will come when you think I was glad to see the back of him.

(member)

09/07/2008 01:46

Re: Should I tell the children

Hi, I know this must be difficult but you have to put your adult head on and do what is best for your children- and that is I'm afraid to say as I don't want to upset you be part of his life. His life includes the ' other woman' so they will ultimatley meet her whether it is now or in the future.

You just have to be brave and as some others have said take the time the kids are with thier father as ME time do what you want to do and relish in your free time.

(member)

09/08/2008 20:59

Re: Should I tell the children

It's easy to understand how hurt you have been, and how difficult you find the idea of your children spending time with your ex-husband's new partner.

If I can offer a bit of advice from personal experience, I'd say don't do anything to prevent your children seeing their Dad - and hard as it might be, that will involve his new partner.

My children were 10 and 12 when my husband and I separated (and later divorced) but they spent lots of time at weekends with him and his new partner. They are now grown up and married, but they have a very good relationship with me and with their Dad and his partner (yes, they're still together all these years later). We might not have made a success or our marriage, but we are proud of the job we made of being parents.

I won't pretend it will be easy, because sometimes it won't, but try to use the time you are on your own to do things that you can't do when your children are with you. Children of divorced parents often blame themselves, and the really important thing is to make sure that they realise that although you and Daddy don't want to live together, you both love the children very much. The separation will have been difficult for them, too, so try not to make them feel guilty about wanting to see their father.

You will come through this, I promise!

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