(member)

29/06/2008 19:24

advice and friendship

Read about the forum in July w&h and intrigued all weekend. Should I/shouldn't I register? Well here I am. 48/49 years old, married 18 years, 2 daughters (16 & 18). Husband works away a lot, used to be just during the week, and over the weeks, months, years have realised I like being on my own/don't have the same feelings towards him. Lately he's been away for longer periods so I have had the weekends on my own too and enjoy the freedom, feel very claustrophobic/suppressed when he's back. Girls have their own busy social lives, eldest moving away to college later in year and would love to have my own place to do as I please instead of always having to make joint decisions. Could do with someone to talk it over with.

(member)

29/06/2008 19:50

Re: advice and friendship

kayzee,welcome to the forum where you will get all the advice that you never knew existed.We don't hold back!!Make full use of us!!
Having been in sole charge,it is only natural that you will feel some resentment upon his return.Is he happy to be away for so long??merc.

(member)

29/06/2008 20:02

Re: advice and friendship

Thanks for your reply merc. No I'm sure he's not. We just seem to have grown further apart and, I hate to admit it, I enjoy the freedom and just thinking about myself. It seems very selfish when you admit to it but I feel that I have spent the last 18 years cleaning, cooking, running around after every one else and now I want to live my life.

(member)

29/06/2008 20:03

Re: advice and friendship

Hi,
difficult one...is your OH happy with this lifestyle or do you think this might be something that preys on his mind as well and you haven't discussed this together? A lot depends on your financial situation, are you financially independent to make any moves on your own? Is he able to make any changes himself to improve things or is this a relationship that is dead in the water anyway. ?

(member)

29/06/2008 20:15

Re: advice and friendship

We haven't really discussed the current situation. He knows I am unhappy in the relationship and that I like having my own space, which he respects when he is back, but neither of us has broached the subject, which I know we should. From my point of view, I don't think we have a relationship any more, but I don't think he feels the same. I haven't yet worked out whether I could financially afford to move out.

(member)

29/06/2008 21:28

Re: advice and friendship

I make it that you were 30 when you married so like me you had probably had a past and been independent. We all feel like that after 18 years of caring for others.Are you wanting someone else or maybe a job or just feeling unfulfilled??? You obviously need to talk. It is possible to have a life within the confines of marriage.If you don't fancy him anymore that is another thing. merc

(member)

29/06/2008 21:43

Re: advice and friendship

Kayzee, I and probably many other women could relate to what you want, but have you really thought this through, or is it because he changes your routine when he comes back and you resent it. Does his routine take over when he returns and you have to fall into it. If so, talk things over with him and find out what he thinks. Could you perhaps suggest you do this away from home, meet him somewhere different and talk about your future now that it is changing for you with the children moving on. Communication is probably the key here, in your post it comes across that you don't know how your husband is thinking any more. Open the channels if it doesn't work, make your own plans, but do so knowing that everything will change, big style. Plan and prepare Kayzee.

(member)

29/06/2008 22:02

Re: advice and friendship

Kayzee, I have sent you a PM. When you see the flashing little flag by your 'user options', click on 'check messages'.

(member)

29/06/2008 23:02

Re: advice and friendship

Hi Kayzee and welcome to the forum. It sounds as if you are a little undecided as to how you should move forward. At some stage you will have to talk to your husband about your feelings, so it might be just as well to get some things off your chest. It might also be a good idea to check out your legal position to find out what would happen financially if you did split. The Citizens Advice Bureau are really good at this, so you could always pop along and have a chat with them, at least it won't cost you anything.

There are lots of ladies on this forum in your position, so keep posting!

(member)

30/06/2008 08:34

Re: advice and friendship

Kayzee, when you say you'd like your own place so you don't have to make joint decisions, it sounds as if your OH is quite involved in decisions about your home. Could you put it to him that since he is away so much and you're there all the time, you should be able to arrange things more how you want them?

Breaking up a marriage is such a big step for you and your daughters, that if it's a string of minor things that are making your life hard, I really would try to find a way to sort them out. GailT's idea of some time away together to discuss things seems like a really good one. Think too about how you see yourself in 10 or 15 years' time - would you be happy to face retirement and growing older on your own? (I know a new man might turn up, but there again, he might not...)

(member)

30/06/2008 13:25

Re: advice and friendship

Kayzee,
I think you need to talk to your OH. My OH worked away a lot a few years ago. There was no regular pattern to his trips (he could arrive in the office at 8am and be immediately sent home to pack and catch a flight to anywhere in the world without any idea of when he'd be back). It was awkward for both of us but eventually we sat down and discussed how we felt as neither of us were happy with the situation (we couldn't make any long term arrangements, there was no routine and most of all he hated not being at home but put up with it to earn the wages - he didn't talk about it until it was clear neither of us was happy with the situation because he felt it wasn't fair leaving me with all the day to day household stuff plus worrying about him being unhappy). We decided the best thing was for my OH to change his job as our marriage and happiness was far more important than money in the bank (we're not so well off financially but are both much happier).

You really need to talk to your OH and also to listen to how he feels. I willingly changed my routine when my OH was at home because I had the luxury of plenty of time to do my own thing when he was away but he had no choice.

This may sound harsh but you mentioned that you've not decided if you can afford to move out. If you feel there's no relationship left is it fair to continue to rely on the financial support of someone you don't want a full relationship with? I think you've got a lot of questions that you both need to discuss...

(member)

30/06/2008 15:38

Re: advice and friendship

My OH works long hours, always has ......... when my girls where babies he took to golf, and other sports so I raised them LITERALLY

and we have a bond:) the girls and I that is.

We have our routine now, and he is still the hunter gatherer

I sometimes wonder why I stay?

But atthe end of the day, he was there for me through cancer two years ago and came into his own.

He is my friend but no longer a lover........

SueatLochLomond

(member)

07/07/2008 17:23

Re: advice and friendship

Hi Kayzee
I wonder how he feels about being away so much? Could be a good way to start the conversation - for all you know he may hate it.. After 18 years, it's got to be worth a good heart to heart before making any radical decisions.....
Good luck and what a great group of people on this forum!
I, like you, prevaricated before joining the forum - and I'm 49 this Thursday so we're the same age group. I live quite remotely so this is a great way to stay in touch.

(member)

07/07/2008 18:07

Re: advice and friendship

Hi Kayzee
Can't be easy for you. I am in a similar situation although OH does not work away from home. My OH seems to like his own space just a little too much methinks. We should really talk about situation but when subject is brought up he just stonewalls. Not easy and certainly not pleasant. Have spent a long long time being miserable and dont know what to do for the best, any advice from anyone greatfully received.

(member)

08/07/2008 14:37

Re: advice and friendship

Hi Ladylou. I wonder how long you have been married. So many men will not talk about their situation, especially when they are really unhappy. My experience is that it gets worse with the years so if there is any way you can get him to talk, do it - maybe a drink or two too many to loosen his tongue. If anything works, let the rest of us know. Anyone else got any ideas?

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