MrsDing
(member)
16/06/2008 09:59
Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Had a big row with Mr Ding before we left for work this morning and it's left me wondering whether it's all worthwhile



I know every relationship has it's problems but I like to think of us as "Dings plc" where each partner does the best they can to keep the "company" going. For quite a while now, I've been feeling that my efforts are just not being appreciated.



The last year has been tough. We've each lost one of our parents, I've had to rebuild my relationship with my mother, Mr Ding has taken on a new business etc etc Through all this, I've tried to stay cheerful and not moan when other people/things have had to come first, but I cannot accept slogging my guts out emotionally and physically without any type of appreciation from the man who should be giving me support.



Yesterday Mr D decided he wanted a "day off". He is knackered from working long hours during the week and on Saturday he spent several hours laying our patio which is turning out to be a more complicated job than we thought it would be. Fine But why did I get to the end of the day feeling like I'd been invisible all day? I know all the guff about Men being from Mars and liking to retreat into their caves but he just sat there all day on his laptop and we hardly spoke. We so rarely get a day when we haven't got something that demands our attention so why did he not want to include me in his "day off"? For all the notice he took of me, I might as well have been another cushion on the sofa!!



I was so upset by bedtime that I got up after a few minutes (Mr Ding was pretending to be asleep) and went to sleep on the spare bed as I would rather be lonely on my own than with him IYKWIM



This morning I tried to have a sensible conversation with him and he told me that he was worried about whether he had done the right thing in buying the business - fair enough, I've been thinking the same myself - but my offers to sit down tonight and talk it through were shouted down. I told him how bad he'd made me feel yesterday but he just didn't want to know It's just him, him, him all the time



I WANT to make things work but there are only so many times you can bang your head against a brick wall. It just seems that it's me who is prepared to all the compromising and even then he doesn't appreciate what I do - or if he does he seems incapable of showing it, which is equally demoralising!



Not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this - just venting maybe - but I've got to get it off my chest.



Thanks for listening

scarlett
(member)
16/06/2008 10:18
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs Ding, think carefully you always come across on the forum as though you and Mr Ding are blissfully happy, it sounds as though is very unsure of the new business venture. Try and speak to him tonight. I had exactly the same day yesterday, its OH dads 80th birthday and fathers day, so done barbeque for his family, and our kids and their OH's a very busy day, don't think we exchanged two words together all day when questioned he said he had been busy cooking and I was busy clearing up. I felt so unhappy last night and so alone, and thats with a house full of people, so can understand exactly how you are feeling.

Denzy

lizalou
(member)
16/06/2008 11:30
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

As Denzy said, you and MR D come across as a pair, unlke some sad posts from other ladies. In several of those cases the OH is definitely bullying or confidence-eroding or giving the wrong message to the children or in some other way comes across as a nasty piece of work, who should be thrown out ASAP,(and unfortunately that confidence-bashing makes that difficult to do)
But is this really your situation? as you say, you have both had a very difficult time recently. And people react differently-- I think I might well prefer a day ALL to myself now and again if I am stressed.
Sorry, not very good at this, hope you get some more articulate posts soon, but wanted to say something.
Best wishes to you both.

dbverycherry
(member)
16/06/2008 11:33
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Hi there Mrs Ding
I was sorry to hear you are feeling a bit low and unappreciated. Like Denzy says you always come across as bright and bubbly on these W&H forums.

When I first began to post on the forums, way back now in February 2007, I posted on the similar lines of your post here. I had just been through a very difficult time as my new dad had just died and I was trying to juggle caring for my very upset mum as well as my own family and their needs. I found there was very little 'me time' then and it got me down.
I got many kind and caring ladies on here who PM me and replied to say that they often feel just the same and feel they are taken for granted as a mum and not treated like a person.

Chin up Mrs Ding. I hope you find the Dong to put back with your Ding. Big hugs from me dbverycherry Ding Dong

Why not go and buy yourself a treat and take a day off when you can and do what you want What about buying a bright and cheerful dress like this with matching hat?!



MrsDing
(member)
16/06/2008 11:50
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Interesting to see how all of you see me as chirpy and cheerful!! I guess that's the image I like to give out - tears of a clown and all that.

I think what's really getting me down is that Mr D doesn't realise how difficult it is to keep that smile going and that every now and then, I'd like to be "number 1" in our relationship.

He can be quite depressed at times and I accept that this is just part of his character but why does HIS mood always have to be the dominant one and why do I feel like I have to take the blame for both HIS and MY unhappiness???

This has happened several times over the years and I just feel I have had enough this time

BEL
(member)
16/06/2008 11:59
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs Ding, just Pm you, remember we forum girls/ ladies
are all here for you. Belxxxxx

dbverycherry
(member)
16/06/2008 12:05
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Try talking to your Oh and explaining how you feel. I know as with my Oh it is hard to get them to stop and listen.
A few years back I took a break from all the stress and hassle of single handedly coping with our daughter and her foul moods. She had just left school out of the blue and at the start of her A levels!! Oh was to busy to help out so I told him how I felt, packed a bag for a week and went to stay with my dear older sister in Dorset.
It worked wonders for me My sister was excellent company and stopped to listen to my moans and groans. In return for this I was her house keeper for the week. It was just the tonic I needed and I was appreciated.
I came home a week later on the train and found that OH and daughter were very pleased to see me home
OH had taken note of all the things I had done for the family and our daughter. He had coped well but was happy to let me take over again but this time he was there for helping, giving advice and the all important hugs and appreciation was back. I think it helped that he knows that I meant business and would do the same again and if needs be!!

Don't be a door mat Mrs Ding. Mr Ding had better wake up and help you find that ding to go with your dong

Best wishes from me dbverycherry
I am like you often putting on a cheery chirpy cherry face but sometime and deep down I am feeling low and unapprecaited.

Loo
(member)
16/06/2008 12:08
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

He must be really struggling if he wants to give up his new venture. Sounds like all his emotions are caught up in the business at the moment.

Yes you need to feel special.

Try living life for yourself. Join the supper clubs, get out and do some new hobby. Weather the storm Mrs. Ding. Enjoy your own life.

Good luck Mrs. Ding

Loo

PatsyW
(member)
16/06/2008 13:13
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs Ding you and Mr D always seem like two halves of a whole - but nothing is ever perfect is it? You both have your own problems and sometimes that means one person (usually the female half of the partnership) is left to bolster the other one. Mr D is obviously struggling so you need to tell him that you appreciate that but you also need for him to see that you are struggling too.

If you are as you seem you've probably never admitted that? You just cope until the mood/moment passes?

Time for you to tell him what you want/need - men can never guess or work these things out for themselves (though remeber that he's not at his best at the moment). How about you arrange a "day off" for you? And if you can get him to talk, maybe some time out for the pair of you?

Best thoughts are with you.x

skippy
(member)
16/06/2008 13:40
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Oh Mrs Ding i know exactly where you are coming from!! If my Oh is very stressed about work he retreats into his shell , doesn't like to talk about it etc. My job is far inferior and he thinks the housework is all down to me too. i suppose as ladies we get to spend alot more time at home on our own and sometimes men enjoy that too, if i go off shopping for the day my OH loves it - just to watch all his favourite tv and mess around on the computer, and yet we are still very happy together most of the time, You may be reading too much into this and i would avoid any confrontation the minute he walks through the door, it will only get worse. Best wishes x

Elsie
(member)
16/06/2008 14:03
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs Ding, so sorry to hear you're feeling unappreciated just now.

Some people just retreat within themselves when stressed, and don't realise the pain this causes to loved ones.

Can you both get out for a long walk for even half a day. Switch off the mobiles and get out into the country. Perhaps set a rule not to talk business during the walk?

You have taken on a big venture and it's inevitable that things will get stressy quite often probably. You both have to meet somewhere in the middle, when dealing with the tough times.

Good luck, and I hope you're both in harmony with one-another again soon.

anne1005
(member)
16/06/2008 14:38
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs Ding,
So sorry to hear that you are feeling down and unappreciated. My OH has his own businesses - well, I'm an equal partner but only for tax purposes as he repeatedly tells me! When he's stressed at work he then sinks into a depression that seems all encompassing. He doesn't speak to me unless it's to complain or criticise. Yet, I KNOW he does appreciate what I do for the businesses and the home and children but either cannot or will not show it outwardly. I find it difficult to cope some days and then I let off steam and only then will he admit it!! I know I would feel better if things didn't have to get to that but talking about things always degenerates into an argument and then both of us feel bad!!!
As the others say, you come across as a happy, lively person and I'm sure that your husband does appreciate you but it would be nice to have it acknowledged!!
Keep your chin up
Anne xx

Chickadee
(member)
16/06/2008 14:46
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs Ding, It is hard, isn't it to feel that you're the one who always has to give support and you don't get appreciated back.It is also extrememly difficult being with someone who is permanently depressed as it makes you question your own role in their lives. Is there ever a time when Mr Ding has been there for you? Is the way you feel now new and sudden, or have the feelings been growing for a long time?


I do think men really take business problems even harder than we do - my OH is very down at the moment because his business (hill farming) is doing so badly because of the raised feed prices. He hardly talks to me and constantly feels below par. He worries a lot about money and because he has his pride, won't let me help out.

I think Elsie's advice is good - can you and Mr D get a little time - even just a couple of hours, to do something on your own together away from work and home? It might cheer him up and bring you closer again.

Meanwhile, sending you a hug and best wishes.

BettyRubble
(member)
16/06/2008 15:46
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

There must be something in the air, I've just tried (this weekend) to have a conversation with my OH and ED about my feelings and how my mood swings (which I know they suffer from too) are getting me down. I think it's something to do with the pre menopause but haven't had the time to go to the doctors because ED is sitting exams and that comes first. BUT they just don't listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth, I feel like I'm speaking Martian. I don't know if I'm actually not saying what I think I'm saying which makes me crazy as well as hormonal or ...... that I just don't count. I feel they are very resentful if I say I need me time, not being alone but conversation, care, consideration, not just someone who has to keep everyone else together.

Sorry Mrs Ding this thread is for you and I've just pounced on it, but I want you to know I know where you're coming from.

Virtual hugs all round I think

Betty

amt
(member)
18/06/2008 07:15
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs Ding I read a lot but dont reply very often. You always seem so cheerful and full of life.I feel sure this is one of those awful hiccup moments.I sometimes think men rely on us more than we think, you OH realises you are upset and now wonders if he can cope with the new business. You are a strong couple and can cope, this is a blip. Can you have a day or afternoon together away from home just being you.Thinking of you and wishing you all success for yourselves and the business.Big hugs

Sunbeam
(member)
18/06/2008 19:23
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Oh Mrs Ding, I have days when I feel I might as well live in a separate house, My OH of 8 years thinks we are being together if he is somewhere in the house, he doesn't seem to need the same 'together' time as me, if he ever (very rarely) has a day off at home he has a list as long as his arm of jobs he wants to do, I am nowhere on it, he is in his element, and at the end of the day will say, wasn't it nice having a day at home together!!!!!! last weekend we went shopping together, he kept going off on his own, arranging a time for us to meet up. O.K. I don't want to spend boring hours looking at books on trains and stocks and shares but he honestly considered we'd had a nice day out together, don't know about Mars and Venus, I think he's from another planet further away! I do have to be careful, my late husband and I were very 'together' but they are different in loads of ways, it wouldn't be right to compare them. I do have grumpy times and feel left out sometimes as you do but on the whole I do feel fortunate, life on my own was really dreadful.

Mayday
(member)
18/06/2008 21:44
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Hi Mrs Ding,
So sorry to hear your probs. I am no expert so this an 'off the wall' suggestion!
If you can overcome your own'hump' could you try to give OH an example by giving him a token of your appreciation that you understand his stress at this time and give him a special treat in some way.....cook his favourite food....take him out for a meal or give him a surprise gift or something? This might make him realise how nice it is to be appreciated and begin to understand your feelings a little bit? You could give it a try anyway!

Good luck........Giving up is a very big step!

Mayday

MrsDing
(member)
19/06/2008 12:11
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Thanks for all your comments ladies. It has, as many of you have suggested, turned out to have been "just a bad day". Trouble is, Mr Ding suffers from mild depression (self-diagnosed and, being a bloke, totally untreated!) which gives him days like this. I don't always recognise them so we have agreed to have a code-word so he can tell me when it's happening. It's no good him just saying "I'm having a cr^p day" coz this could mean anything from the shop not having his favourite sandwich to being stuck in a traffic jam all day but if he says "It's all gone sky-blue-pink today" (or whatever!) I will know to back off and leave him to sort himself out.

You're right, we are a strong couple, but days like Sunday just give me the jitters!!

Tufty
(member)
19/06/2008 15:49
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

MrsDing,
Glad you have got things sorted, as others have said you always seem a very together couple.
Missed the wedding piccies but the story of how you got together is a sort of 'Love conquers all' tale!

Would like one of those myself!!!!

redhead2035
(member)
21/06/2008 15:43
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs. Ding - have come in a bit late on the end of this one, so you might not get this, but here goes. I'm not going to try to give advice on the probs - but I truly hope they're sorted - no, what bothered me (and this is going to be morbid, be warned!) was the thought that you had a row before going to work. Please please don't part on bad terms. In my job (cop) I have dealt with many a sad road accident where precisely this has happened - people are angry, so perhaps not paying proper attention to their driving etc, or are maybe wound up and so don't react to a situation quickly enough. Hope i've not upset anyone, but it DOES happen. Just a thought.

PLASMO
(member)
21/06/2008 17:30
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

Mrs Ding,

First of all I want to say men are definitely from MARS, sometimes I really believe they are a totally different species.

It sounds to me that your OH is suffering from depression (I think you did mentioned that) and the business seems to becoming too much for him. Men dont know how to talk about problems it is something that is inbred within them, its almost as if it is seen as a weakness on their behalf.

My OH is great, but if something is worrying him, rather than talk about it with me he seems to retreat into himself, I get quite irritated at times but I just leave him for a while and things seem to be okay.

I agree totally with redhead2035 never part on bad terms, whether its going out to work, or going to bed and not speaking, if we have had words for whatever reason, we always kiss and makeup before bedtime or leaving the house.

Mrs Ding, I am sure that you will sort out all the problems with your OH, once his business begins to pick up again, you will back to how you both were before. Plasmo x

nowcemsi
(member)
24/06/2008 18:58
Re: Is it unreasonable to expect to be appreciated?

I apologise for the cliche but I have your T shirt:)

My mother died in April ;( and I seem to be constantly crying and or down and Mr C aint a very subtle bunny
at all.

Whats wrong with you, why havent you dont the housework,
wheres my this and wheres my that

where these men cloned I wonder?

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