(member)

16/05/2008 17:06

Sad about my son.....

My son is nearly 21 and has just opted out of his uni course at Newcastle as he has been so unhappy( I have just discovered !).He did his first year in Geog then switched to History for 2 years... he refuses to finish his 2nd year and wants to go back to start his 2nd year again in Hull our home town. He has had a girl here for the last year and although I think that this has something to do with it he really never made friends up there. He is a real Jekyll and Hyde personality... very handsome, seemingly confident and very intelligent

but something holds him back... he gets anxious about new situations and lacks confidence in himself... he will not do his driving test for example although he had lessons... he seems to fear failure.. His dad left when he was 6 and although he has contact with him he pays far more attention to my daughter and rarely meets up with him unless I suggest it. Hate to blame this but maybe it is part of the prob.... he is now idling his time having no motivation to do anything and this is causing very unpleasant feelings in the house. If I ask he bites my head off or goes to stay with his girlfriend. He is really interested in business and is a bit of a wheeler dealer having bought and sold on the internet etc. Not sure how to help him... I don't really think uni is for him but I don't think he wants to disappoint us all... I have always been involved in education and saw it as the only route. I have told him to leave uni if he wants and try something else but what????Any ideas urgently needed... an upset mum... I could deal with 300 children a day and inspire them to achieve great things but not my own son..!

(member)

16/05/2008 17:11

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hi Daniel1

Sorry, can't offer much help, but I do hope it all works out, I know it's easier said than done, but try not to get too stressed out.

Hope things pick up for your son

(member)

16/05/2008 18:01

Re: Sad about my son.....

Oh I do understand. When I took my D back for her second year we had unloaded some stuff from the car when she said she hated uni and didn't want it anymore. I just said that's fine. Sounds blase but I couldn't stand the thought of her life being so unhappy. Because I said leave, it stopped her in her tracks. SO... we sat on her bed for 4 hours and debated. Her decision was to stay. The only condition I made was if she did two years then the third was expected. It is so hard to see your children unhappy and life is too short to put that much pressure on them.
It sounds as though your son will find his own way in life and you will be proud of him whatever happens. Don't make yourself unhappy worrying about him, if you take away all the stress you may find he quietly gets on with things very succesfully. Good luck. Do let us know how he gets on.

(member)

16/05/2008 18:26

Re: Sad about my son.....

My daughter did the same thing and we were very disappointed but we tried not to show it.
She did a bit of travelling modelling and worked in Germany for a while ,came back to Dublin got a good job and then decided to do a law degree while working .
She told us later that she never felt comfortable in Trinity and was glad that we did not force her to finish.
She is a very happy person now.

(member)

16/05/2008 18:27

Re: Sad about my son.....

I understand too. My son will be going in September but I will make sure that if Uni is not for him that we will understand and fully support his decision. I couldnt bear to think he would be unhappy and away from home. Just be there for him as you already are, he sounds a really nice lad, and something will come up perhaps he will be a very successful antiques dealer! I have heard of alot of similar cases where some people although they looked forward to Uni just found it so alien to them that they could not adjust, he certainly is not a failure. Wish you both well in whatever decision is reached.

(member)

16/05/2008 18:33

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hi Daniel1,

My son was due to start uni this September, but has now decided to take a year out.

He wanted to join the police, but after getting the application form and seeing how long it was has decided against that!

What he'll do is anybodies guess, but I know harassing him will not achieve anything...I guess I'd better watch this space!

Good luck Daniel1 - I hope it all turns out ok for all the family!

(member)

16/05/2008 18:48

Re: Sad about my son.....

I think maybe your son needs some space and time to think a bit. What he needs from you is lots of love and support right now, and I would just back off a bit and let him decide what to do. It's disappointing for you, but he may be on the wrong path altogether - he needs to make these decisions without feeing pressured, so I would try to be there for him to talk in a neutral way when he needs an ear. If you nag him or add to his stress it will make everything worse and drive him away. He probably feels very confused and low right now, so just bide your time and let him find his own way. It'll all turn out for the best in the end most likely! University isn't for everyone, and perhaps he's just coming to that realisation. It's not the end of the world.

(member)

16/05/2008 19:04

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hi daniel1
Your son sounds as if we would be good working in the city wheeling and dealing on one of many markets, futures, money etc. etc.

University is not for everyone. Your son has just not found his path yet. Both my children took some time to find their paths. Your son will find his way, it must have been a really difficult decision for him to tell you that he wanted to change again. He sounds confused and anxious at the moment.
Good luck
Foxie x.

(member)

16/05/2008 19:04

Re: Sad about my son.....

I go with sparlky3's advice. My three have changed their minds so often my mind boggles. I can only speak from my experience, and I think the best way for us was to allow them the freedom to make their own decisions, and their own mistakes (however hard that is). After them blowing some really good opportunities, I just decided to let them go with what they want to do, and wait and hope they find their niche. My ED has found hers at 18, my ES has now at 21 found his, and my YS is almost there. I found that trying to get them to do what we wanted for them was not productive. Maybe I dont agree with them, but its their lives and they know I am always here for advice and support. Through it all I am pleased to say that I have maintained a good relationship with them and I think this is down to the fact that I have not pushed them, I just shared the wisdom of my experience. Of course they dont always listen, but as they have got older, they certainly listened more.

As Sparkly says nagging doesnt work and it pushes them further away. Good Luck.

(member)

16/05/2008 21:51

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hi Daniel1
I am sure that in time things will work out, have confidence in what your son tells you and trust his judgement.
for what it's worth I moved to Tyneside a couple of years ago and have never settled here, it is just such a different culture. The people I meet are helpfull and kind but I just don't feel comfortable or settled here.
My youngest daughter has had interviews at Northumberland and Portsmouth uni's this past week. She tells me that if she isn't offered Portsmouth she would rather take a year out.
If you keep looking to the past events for reasons you will go around in circles. He's made a decision, just take it from here. good luck.

(member)

16/05/2008 22:01

Re: Sad about my son.....

I am so thrilled to hear such comforting words from people who know the issues.... I will certainly back off and try not to take control...I am a bit of a control freak I think... your help is so much appreciated. Love to you all x

(member)

17/05/2008 00:09

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hello.

I work in a Scottish Uni and sometimes have to interview and advise young folk who have decided that our course or our Uni is not for them - your son is definitely not alone. You did say that he would like to switch Unis and repeat his second year at your local Uni. Perhaps your son could enquire whether this is feasible by speaking to the Admissions people at Hull, or the Head of their History Dept? Could your son's adviser/tutor/mentor (don't know how similar your system is to ours) at Newcastle help point him in the right direction?

Best wishes,
S.

(member)

17/05/2008 08:57

Re: Sad about my son.....

For the time being why doesn't he register with some agencies to do clerical or 'industrial' work. He will be in ahead of the other students. He'll need to go along with a positive attitude, plenty of bulls++t, register with as many as possible, and most imortanlty keep in touch with them - persistance pays off.

(member)

17/05/2008 18:33

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hi Daniel1

As the mother of sons(now 26 and 28 and finally successful!)I,ve been there. The best you can offer at this time is subtle TLC and don't even mention the "education" word! If you ignore it he'll eventually take control, usually when he sees his friends progressing on their chosen path! and remember this too will pass. At the moment he's safe, he's with you, just enjoy your son and boost his confidence at every opportunity.

(member)

19/05/2008 11:51

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hi daniel
I can only relate to you our experience. Our son is dylexic, not that bad, however, he did well in his exams and went on to college, at the end it was evident that he was university material. But D didnt want to go. To quote, he saw no reason to mix with a load of people not of his choice, get himself into debt, and if sharing clear up after someone else. So no, he wouldn't go. His tutor from the college asked us to try and push him into going but we wouldn't.
Four years later with work experience under his belt he's working at the school that you see on the bird cam, the house is just the offices, the school has about 2,000 pupils. D is part of the IT team 5 of them in the team, 3 of which have been to University but D has the work experience of video conferencing.
So life experience sometimes is more important that being academic

(member)

20/05/2008 13:08

Re: Sad about my son.....

Our son is on his gap year at the moment having a wonderful time in America. He saved up and has not asked for any money from us. He has his place confirmed to start Uni in Sept. but he is talking about not going and continuing to travel around Europe. Does anyone know about deferring for yet another year? We would like him to continue with his education but he is having a great time, meeting great people and having wonderful experiences that will set him up for life. We try to convince ourselves that it is his life and he has to start making his decisions and living by them!

(member)

20/05/2008 15:14

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hi

I am an admissions Officer in a University and can confirm he cannot defer again. You are only allowed to defer through UCAS once.

Hope thats helps.

Sooze

(member)

20/05/2008 15:49

Re: Sad about my son.....

Hi Dan..I am sorry to hear your sons unhappiness....you think as they get older the pressures/stress of being a mother get easier..but alas!!...

I think communication here and maybe someone to talk to is the key...your son sounds so confused and unsure..he needs a huge hug and to think again.....emotions have been up and down all his life by the sound of it... Why do some people sturggle....If its any consolation I did a similar thing...and still do struggle with decisions and ..if I said life, that would sound a bit heavy....but i am one of these people who have always learnt the hard way...or had a mountain to climb....(as do most of us)...But I have turned out ok and am thankful for all the negative isues I have had to deal with,,,,What I am saying is it wil hopefully make your son a more rounded person and in touch with the real world?????..IF that makes sense??...

Good luck....x

(member)

20/05/2008 20:59

Re: Sad about my son.....

Thank you - I couldn't find any info on the net about deferring again.

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