(member)

05/07/2008 16:39

So unfair!

I don't want to sound miserable,but only having been back from my (first for years)holiday and GS's first holiday, for little more than a day,I have just been told that my favourite Uncle died suddenly and instantly last Wednesday.

I am finding it so difficult to take in,and not give way to anger as,yes,he had a few health problems,but not the type that gave any indication that something as bad as this would happen.

My dad(eldest of six) is taking it very badly as now he has lost 50% of his siblings and they were all the youngest ones to die first,plus appeared to be in better health than Dad or my two surviving Aunts.My feelings aren't being helped by the pragmatic attitude of my brothers who feel,'It's life,Dad has to deal with it!'

I just wish I knew the right things to say to the surviving family,and for this reason am dreading the funeral.OH was also particularly fond of my Uncle,as he gave us so much practical help in the start up of our business over a decade ago,but OH too is at a loss and is being pulled in all directions mentally as he won't be able to make the funeral due to work commitments which had to be rescheduled so that we could take our break.

It seems that everytime we try to do something as a family and for each other,it never goes smoothly.

I was told years ago,that my life would never be smooth,but I just pooh-poohed the very idea,now I think that the old man who told me that,was in fact right.

If anybody has some positive thoughts that they feel they can share with me,I would really like to know them,please.

(member)

05/07/2008 16:57

Re: So unfair!

Annmarie,

It is so sad when anyone dies, but when it is a sudden death like your Uncle it is even hard to bear.

I know how you feel and apart from telling you that after the funeral you will feel a damn site more able to accept what has happened.

People ca be very insensitive when someone has died, like when an old person dies, they comment, "Well he or she was old they had a good life", without giving any thought as to how that person might have loved the person and whether they were old, ill, isnt relevant.

Time is a great healer and Im sure before long both your father and yourself will be able to handle things much easier. Plasmo x

(member)

05/07/2008 17:17

Re: So unfair!

Hi Annmarie
It's a very sad fact of life that there is never a 'right' time for someone to die. My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly and at the time we were more concerned with an older cousin whose health had been very poor for some time. When I rang people to tell them about my mum, everyone thought I was ringing about my cousin and I had a few difficult conversations.

Someone told me that after a death there are three stages to grief: disbelief, anger and acceptance. Your grief is very raw at present and I am sure that you and your OH will be a great comfort to your father. Often at funerals you don't need to say anything, just listen and let others talk. Trust me, you will find the words you need.

Don't take to heart your brothers' comments. Just let these comments wash over you. I agree with Plasmo about people being insensitive.

Foxie x.

(member)

05/07/2008 17:17

Re: So unfair!

I just lost my Dad a couple of weeks ago and I know from experience that there are no right words to say.

A hug, a smile, listening and remembering the good times, the laughs you had, and patience, lots of it. I wish you well for the funeral. I know my Dad's funerail in some sense was a happy experience. I wish you well and just take each day at a time, sometimes even an hour at a time if that helps.
Kim
x

(member)

05/07/2008 22:13

Re: So unfair!

How lucky you have been to have known such a man! It sounds like he is leaving a wonderful legacy of good deeds and wise words. He is not gone forever as his existence changed, at least your world. Remember him and share all your happy memories of him. Grief affects people differently. Express all your rage, sadness etc at the funeral, thats what they are for. Then after, keep his memory alive and listen to others share their memories of him.
Sorry for your sadness, I hope all goes as well as possible.

(member)

06/07/2008 14:44

Re: So unfair!

So sorry about your uncle annemari. Please don't take your brothers comments to heart, my brother tends to be just as pragmatic. The reality is though that he still suffers a great deal from the loss of our parents - pragmatism is his way of making the world believe he's OK.

Ozziekez sums it up perfectly. Lots of positive thoughts and hugs coming your way.x

(member)

06/07/2008 15:17

Re: So unfair!

Annemari, so sorry to hear your sad news. I think Foxie and Ozziekez and the others have summed up all the advice and thoughts very well, so I'll just say that I'll be thinking of you and I hope that the funeral will have some happy moments as you celebrate a life well lived, as well as the sad ones when you grieve for the loss of someone you loved.

(member)

06/07/2008 19:50

Re: So unfair!

Annemari

Sorry to hear your news, not an easy time at all for you, but you are in my thoughts.

(member)

06/07/2008 23:13

Re: So unfair!

Kim

I am so sorry to hear of your Father's death,losing a parent is a dreadful thing to happen,I lost my Mum suddenly 20 years ago.
Thank-you so much for your encouraging words,I still find it hard to accept my Uncle has gone,but will be strong for my Dad's sake.He is so frail now that he has found the loss of his 'baby' brother almost intolerable.

Thanks again

annemari x

Contact Us | Privacy statement

Woman and Home homepage