Hi
Having survived 2 major life threatening illnesses in the last six years I totally understand and empathise with you. I had cancer of the womb and found the psychological fall out from that very difficult to cope with. I personally think that surviving major illness makes you go a little mad for a while. I wanted to punch everyone who told me that I was lucky to have survived - of course I was BUT I'd have felt luckier to never have experienced either my heart problems or the cancer. I found that I went through a grieving process - not easy as I had divorced just before my illnesses and have no family. I didn't want to join any self help groups - I'd had enough of 'sick' people - when I told my consultant this he agreed that this was the right approach for me. It isn't for everyone.

What finally helped me was visiting my local Maggie's Centre (don't think you have them in England - they were set up in Scotland by a lady who died of cancer and wanted to make sure that anyone affected by cancer (whether a patient or not) could drop into a beautiful centre where they could talk or simply be there) - you will find them on the web. It was hard to walk into the centre the first time but I was totally welcomed and it was a place of peace and acceptance that helped me to move forward. It was also nice to realise a couple of visits onward that I no longer needed them.

I was much more ill with my heart and closer to death on a number of occasions BUT cancer was much more emotionally charged, not least the reaction of friends who were tearful and convinced I'd die (my heart problems are much more likely to kill me!). One of my nephews who had a leukaemic illness when he was 15 told me that we both knew what it was about but that we shouldn't expect other people to as they haven't had the experience - he advised me to 'build a bridge' -i.e. get over it. Not as harsh as it sounds he really meant we've survived it and now know the value of life so make the most of the rest of it. He's a lovely young man - very caring.

Allow yourself to be depressed from time to time but be happy too about the little joys in life. It does change your life but often for the better. Be kind to yourself and you'll get there. My life is much better now than it's ever been and there are now very few things I worry about anymore.

Sorry didn't mean this to be so long. All the best for the future.

DeepBlue aka Pat