Morning Debdee

this could have been me writing not so long ago !
No doubting off spring can give us hell and sometimes feels like it will never end and must mean we are bad parents ... WRONG we are not . We had almost 2 years of very much what you have described and it is hard to believe now but daughter is a changed person since she left home - in the end I did "force" her out she had done the whole uni thing and coming back to live with us in new home (which no doubt be our last move ) I wanted it to be clutter free and reasonably clean and tidy , like you in our daughters case this was not to be , no job no life no hope really
despite all my efforts to support/cajole whatever she just seemed hell bent on pushing self destruct button !! nothing sinister I might add just sullen rude and selfish and very messy !
In the end I pretty much packed her bags (pals without children couldn't believe what I did ) but she had to get a job which she is still in some 2 years later and loves moved in with her boyfriend - and loves me too bits now very supportive caring wonderful young woman whom I of course never stopped loving !! - admits she treated us like battering ram and her room like a squat !
my advise .. mmmm well I stopped doing her washing/cleaning her room (that was so hard was disgusting ) stopped filling her car up with fuel etc , it is so hard to do when instinct tells you make them a coffee and try to talk again - looking back one of the hardest times in my life - all I can add that in my case it worked for the better - and she would agree . I do believe it is just a phase , and we probably put our parents through similar in one way or another - there is no book out there to give you the advice/skills it takes to be a "good" parent .Good luck !! and stop giving yourself such a hard time (says she who was kicking herself for months !! ) X