I know its so painful and your rational side is right but it doesnt help the pain you can feel, and the physical effects from the pain, i think you need to find a councellor, the thought of finding one makes you think your a step closer to helping yourself because your the most important one to think of and not him, and if there is a wait for one, dont let it put you off, go on the list and wait for the to call, you need to give your mind some TLC and as you know the pain doesnt disappear and you need to spend a long time talking about it so even if you post on here its a small release dont put pressure on yourself if you find you need to talk more and more, just need an outlet and someone to talk to, and coucellors have so many more ideas and thoughts they can give you back to help you think from a wider angle and eventually help you help yourself to feel better, little steps, day by day xx