susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 939
Loc: Devon
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My mother lives 200 miles away, has the beginnings of dementia, suffers from clinical depression and lives on her own. She was saying last week how she hadn't seen a soul and was so lonely, that yesterday I headed off to pick her up and bring her back for a week with us here. I would have had to stay overnight because it is too far to do the return trip in a day. The weather was attrocious. I nearly turned back after an hour but just before half way, I had the most terrible migraine, couldn't think straight, was feeling very peculiar, couldn't see properly and still the rain was chucking it down. Going from west to east, I knew I wouldn't drive away from it. It was stupid to carry on, had a break, some anadin and turned back. I phoned my mother and explained who was fine about it. I also discovered that having not seen a soul, she has phone calls from a friend every day, had been out to lunch all day Sunday, was due to go out Tues pm, and was having her hair done one day!
So why oh why am I feeling so guilty this morning. I'm not a worrying kind of person but am feeling absolutely wracked with guilt. I live 200 miles away because of OH job. I have asked her to move down here for the last 3 years and she refuses point blank. I have eventually managed to put her house on the market so she can move to wear she will be with company but of course it is at the worst time to do this, and besides, she doesn't want to move anyway. Of course the weather today is good and I probably could go down today but having undone all I had done, to try to put it all back in place again, my head is spinning! That of course makes me feel even more guilty!!
Sorry for the rant but I know a lot of you are in the same position and it's nice not to feel alone.
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GailT
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 64
Loc: Near Alnwick, Northumberland
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Susie,
I totally identify with what you are saying. That happens to me regularly, I have a nephew who is seriously ill, a daughter who needs a lot of support and a mum who lives 150 miles away. I work full time and can't give the support I would really like to, but then it is who do I put first. I regularly feel guilty that I can't be there for them more. Particularly if I decide to take a day off for myself, like yesterday. Don't feel too bad, at least you can say you are a caring loving daughter. We can't always meet the expectation we place on ourselves, never mind others, so don't be too hard on yourself. You are only human and have needs too.
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Spanishlady
member
Reged: 21/01/2008
Posts: 1807
Loc: Torrevieja Spain
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I know excatly how you feel I live in Spain and I feel I should be nearer my Mam as everytime I ring most days she complains about eveything and I know its depression since my Dad died (even though they did not get on) I have asked her to come out here and live with us or even to come for the winter but she does not want to leave her house she spends most of her time in her bedroom , we have had it redecorated and it is very comfortable ,My brother lives with her and my sis ter is just down the road and calls most days but I still feel so guilty that I have alovely life and my Mam so down . what to do ?? I really don`īt know ,Sorry for all this Susie and Gail it proably does not help you at all
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suzie88
member
Reged: 02/09/2008
Posts: 461
Loc: Essex
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Hi ladies,
I don`t think you should feel guilty, we can`t all live in each others pockets all our life.Spanish lady your mum has the chance to spent the cold winters with you but chooses not to.
Suzie88
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Spanishlady
member
Reged: 21/01/2008
Posts: 1807
Loc: Torrevieja Spain
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thanks Suzie 88
Ifeel better getting it off my chest
families !!!!!!!!
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susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 939
Loc: Devon
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Thanks a lot girls. It really does help getting it off your chest. I always swore I would never let it get to me and thought I might be better than I am, as I am a pretty laid back sort of person! I think it is frustration more than anything. You know the solutions but you would get a better response from a brick wall!!
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1445
Loc: Somerset
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I'm not sure if it's easier with parents far away or on the doorstep... We've got the opposite problem - so close we can be called to help any time day or night!
MIL only lives 10 minutes walk away, bit too close for comfort but as she's getting older and had a few 999 calls in the last two years it's very useful for when we're needed in an emergency (means we can both have a glass of something in the evening without worrying that we may get a call and be unable to drive) but wants to move to a village that would mean we'd have to drive to get to her. At the moment OH drives past her house at least twice a day so can pop in on his way to work or home, we'd have to make a special journey if she moved. BIL says it's her choice and damn the practicalities (the village she fancies doesn't have sufficient shops for her to survive) but it's not him that is called on for help. BIL visits as a guest for a short weekend every few months so doesn't have to worry about any of this. OH calls in two or three times in the week to do stuff plus both of us help out every weekend - this is increasing as time goes on. We've made numerous suggestions - a retirement home in the centre of the village, us paying to extend her house so we can move there etc. OH says the ideal solution would be for her to move near to BIL so he can take a turn...
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susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 939
Loc: Devon
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You really can't win can you Chrissi? Mind you, on a slightly lighter note, would love to see your BILs face if your OH suggested it to him!
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stellac
member
Reged: 14/05/2008
Posts: 906
Loc: mauritius
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As someone who for 20 years worked with older people with mental health problems i have to say that often relatives worry so much as their elder family members pull all the emotional strings.
Get her assessed for attendance allowance and use the money for paid help, contact social services, and community psychiatric services, consider asking for a review of her medication and the possibility of Dementia drugs [ARICEPT is one but their are others] If you can leave her were she is a move will create more problems as she will not be able to process the information re her new enviroment so easily
Most important look after yourself
stellax
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susieblue
member
Reged: 16/03/2008
Posts: 939
Loc: Devon
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I tried to organise a cleaner but she got rid of her! She used to have regular checks from an OT of the elderly, who gave her regular memory tests but has now discharged her as she came within normal limits and said she was looking forward to moving!! (she was obviously having a good day!!) To be honest she can't afford to live where she is. She has now stopped driving and is not on a bus route. Her friends are very good but she refuses most offers when given them! Social services and psychiatric services - she wouldn't let through the door, or if she did, would be extremely rude and indignant to them!
Will look into attendance allowance, would definitely help. Will also ask her GP about the dementia drugs. have mentioned it before but of course, when he sees her, she is in fine form!! All suggestions of help are gratefully received.
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Misty
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 26
Loc: Gloucestershire
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Hi Girls
So much of what you have all said rings great big bells with me!! My Mum lives 100 miles away from us and has found life much more difficult since losing my Dad. They did everything together and most of their friends (also elderly now) live outside the village. She has very bad arthritis in her knees and spends most of her time alone in the house. She does have a cleaner and a gardener, plus some neighbours who will get bits of shopping for her, but she is very lonely. I have suggested many times that she come and live nearer to us, but as you said susieblue, you would get more response from a brick wall! I have been travelling to see her every 3rd weekend since losing Dad (usually leaving my OH at home), helping her with shopping and jobs in the house etc., but I work full time and I have to say that it has started to become a chore. I have now come to the decision that I will visit a little less often and give up the idea of trying to pursuade her to move. I have suggested that she get one of the SOS alarms that Saga do, giving us all peace of mind that should she be ill or have a fall she only has to press a button to get some assistance. She had originally suggested having this herself, but now that I have suggested it she tells me she doesn't need it!!!
I just hope that when I get old I remember what I'm going through now. We have no children to help us out, so I would definitely consider moving to a retirement complex.
Sorry to rant, but I feel better now!!
Misty x
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