Linby
member
Reged: 30/07/2008
Posts: 1004
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I mentioned my MIL on another thread as she is 87 lives on her own 70 miles away from us. She comes here often only when I seam to ask her to come. OH never mentions her coming only me. I lost my parents 4 years ago dad and 2 years ago Mum I miss them like crazy and we were so close. OH's family are not loving as mine are and I cannot understand it at all. This visit is only a week but most visit's are 2 weeks. but I am the one entertaining OH comes in from work and goes to sleep. I try and entertain her all day and night. She is so sweet but OH and her have not got a close relaaitionship like mine and I cannot understand it. When she went to bed last night It came to a head and Oh and I had words, he explained that I am trying to make his family like mine was and he can't, he explained his childhood was not like mine and I have to except this but why so I feel guilty when he don't make a fuss over her, when I do. OH is so loving to me always has been and this does really upset me is it me ?
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1445
Loc: Somerset
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Everyone's family life is different. You were very, very lucky that your family was so close. I got on ok with my mum but we'd never have been 'best friends' and if we weren't related wouldn't have had anything in common. I get on better with my Dad but none of my family have ever been the sort to fuss over each other - we just accept that we're there for each other when needed but that's about it. I'm afraid your OH's relationship with his mum isn't ever going to be the same as yours with your mum was and nothing will ever change that.
PS the mere idea of MIL staying for a couple of days (she fusses and fusses over everyone) would drive me insane - do you want to borrow another MIL 
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Janmac
member
Reged: 18/06/2008
Posts: 474
Loc: Lancashire
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I know what you mean about OH dealing with family differently. If I didnt remind him he wouldnt often ring his mum or his son! In everyway he is loving and kind - just doesn't see keeping close contact important. I have lost both my parents and have no children of my own - perhaps I am putting my needs onto him. Who knows?
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2795
Loc: Leicestershire
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I think I would be asking him what his childhood was like, not just to be nosey but in order to understand him, and his ambivalent feelings towards her.
Then, if there are justifiable reasons for this loving man to be cool towards his mother, then, sorry, but i would respect his feelings and not be so accommodating.
She is not the same as your mother, clearly and nothing will make it different unless he wants to change things.How is she towards him, cool, or loving?
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Calico
member
Reged: 18/06/2008
Posts: 332
Loc: Cornwall
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I think your MIL is very lucky to have you, you sound very caring. My MIL lives on her own about 250 miles away, she has another son living close by and although we often invite her to stay, even paying her train fare she seldom wants to visit.
This upsets my OH even if he doesnt show it, they were very close before we met, even going on holiday together 3 times a year. Maybe she doesnt like me!
Perhaps you should accept that your OH and his mother dont have the same relationship you had with your parents and just continue to make her welcome when she visits. You shouldnt feel guilty for anything even though it may be hard, you are doing all you can.
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Linby
member
Reged: 30/07/2008
Posts: 1004
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Thankyou for your comments ladies, Your right all of you and yes Kate I take your point about being accommodating even OH says I do too much for her but it's what I do, my mother was disabled so I had to care for her MIL is fantastic for her age but is very quiet. My FIL was old school and he was the 'boss'in the house. OH never even had a birthday party ever until he met me, his first party was his 40th. Chrissi you made me smile about your MIL. Janmac yes I have to remind OH to ring her about her birthday Mday.Calico it wont be you put it down to it's their loss.
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 1152
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Hi Linby, I think you are a wonderful DIL and have nothing to feel guilty about. 2 weeks being fussed over must be lovely for her.
Families are all so different - my OH phones his mum every few days whereas i only phone my mum about every two to three weeks - there is still a strong bond and we have longer chats to catch up on all the news.
We all know we are there for eachother and my mum has a busy social life so i don't really worry.
I expect you are worried about your MIL being on her own alot - but some people actually prefer this to being in another persons home where they cant do as they want as much.
Dont feel guilty you are lovely.
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[ima ge][/image]
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Snowy1066
member
Reged: 08/07/2008
Posts: 4038
Loc: Southeast
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You sound a wonderful DIL Linby, and just keep on doing what you are doing.
Don't forget that a lot of men, just can't show their feelings. My 2 sons were very loving children, but now they are adults, hugs and kisses come very sparingly, but I know they care, and the best thing when I had my big op recently was to open my eyes coming out of surgery and see all 3 of my men waiting for me in the ward. All worried why I had been in surgery so long.
So I would cut your OH some slack, and let him be how he wants to be, she'll know what he is like, and I'm sure he loves her really.
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Linby
member
Reged: 30/07/2008
Posts: 1004
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Thankyou so much skippy xx
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