legallyblonde
member
Reged: 19/05/2008
Posts: 7
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Daughter almost 15, lively, sociable, outgoing, popular at ashool, has been latched on to by a girl who has not many other friends at school, mixes with other kids we are not happy with our daughter mixing with, and is gradually driving daughters other friends away. We have tried to control the times that they get together, but is hard as they are at school together. Is getting to stage where we need to do something as daughters school work suffering etc. We have tried indirectly to limit them spending too much time together, but other girl is always on MSN /texting daughter, about which we can't do too much other than get rid of mobiles and internet! Any ideas. We don't want to fall out with daughter, but we need to do something before she is left with this one (in our opinion) un-good friend
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Beezer
member
Reged: 11/02/2008
Posts: 97
Loc: Bristol
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Its a really tricky one: if you start to restrict time spent with this new friend, and (if I remember from my own daughters at that age), this generally makes them more attractive and a battle royal ensues. If you can hang in there, ignore this temporary blip and your daughter (who was so grounded and sociable), will see for herself that these "new" friends are shallow and, in the end, really boring.
Forbidden fruit is always more attractive. When my eldest daughter was 15 she "found" a boyfriend a year older who was an absolute nightmare - my ex did the heavy father bit and banned him from seeing daughter... net result was that she left home at 16 and went to live with my mother! She followed beastly boyfriend to the same university, where thankfully the relationship fell apart when she met her husband. Now 20 years on and the mother of a teenager herself, she admits that she was afraid of the boy and had nightmares about him for years! So, would recommend a softly, softly approach if you can bear it... not easy I know.
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anner06
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Reged: 18/03/2008
Posts: 539
Loc: Northamptonshire
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I am having exactly the same plroblem. My daughter is friends with a very manipulative girl. Yesterday she came round and when they went out this friend was wearing my D's brand new shoes (she hasn't even worn them herself yet) and my D was in a tatty old pair. later I asked her why and she said that friend had asked and she was worried that if she said no, then she might not want to go out with her. At this age, I think girls in particular are so worried about not fitting in and as my kids say, being a billy no mates. As they get older, hopefully they will have the self confidence to be able to make a stand and realise that people like them for themselves. I am trying to keep D busy this week so every time this friend rings up and asks if she can come round, we are always going out.
Must go - friend just rang, but she can't come round as we are just on our way out
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Sonata
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Reged: 21/12/2006
Posts: 364
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Does your daughter have any out of school interests to keep her occupied ? Dancing, sports clubs, youth groups? It's a difficult call. You don't want to drive her further into this girl's clutches. I can't say that I have had this particular problem. Bitchy "friends", bullying and falling out is more my forte !!
Why not confide in her teacher and tell her of your concerns. Perhaps she can make sure that they are in diferent groups during the day.
If your daughter is sensible she will soon see through this girl.Why not invite her to your home (if you dare).At least if they are under your roof you know where they are and have some control over the situation.
Who knows, if your daughter sees you are cool with the situation, it may make your daughter give her up sooner rather than later.
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BettyRubble
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Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 430
Loc: South west France
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Go to the school - form tutor perhaps. In confidence. Explain your concerns. The school will know this girls 'form' and your daughters. They can go a long way in influencing who she's spending time with if it's a good school. Explain your concerns vis a vis the school work and as the next year is going to be extremely important for your D's GCSE's I think you should get good support. In the meantime, make sure that D and 'Friend' spend the majority of time in your presence. It could be that this child is actually party to some bad parenting and has latched on to your D because her family are 'normal', with loving parents who care about their child. Unfortunately, we've been involved recently with two different families where the parents have seriously let their children down and I've come to realise that in many cases it's not a case of bad kids but bad parents.
Hope goes well
Betty
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nowcemsi
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Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 269
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Quote:
Daughter almost 15, lively, sociable, outgoing, popular at ashool, has been latched on to by a girl who has not many other friends at school, mixes with other kids we are not happy with our daughter mixing with, and is gradually driving daughters other friends away. We have tried to control the times that they get together, but is hard as they are at school together. Is getting to stage where we need to do something as daughters school work suffering etc. We have tried indirectly to limit them spending too much time together, but other girl is always on MSN /texting daughter, about which we can't do too much other than get rid of mobiles and internet! Any ideas. We don't want to fall out with daughter, but we need to do something before she is left with this one (in our opinion) un-good friend
If you would allow? my daughter had an undesirable friend
we just sat it out, if you make out that you dont like them
you will in effect push them closer together
act your way through this make out you absolutely approve of this friend......... it worked for us
I insisted she come over weekends sleep overs if she wanted
my daughter packed the friend in within two months
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nicnac
member
Reged: 31/07/2008
Posts: 13
Loc: Lytham St.Annes, Lancs
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My son (15 this month) was getting friendly with a boy that had bullied him in Y7 at the begining of this year. Apart from the history, there was something I didn't like about the boy and he lives next door to my best friend and she didn't like him either so I knew it wasn't me.
If he were coming over, or they were going out together, I'd suggest my son called for a few other friends on the way. It culminated when they all went on a school skiing trip in February. He sat next to my son on the coach and i thought that was that. But spending 10 days in his company was enough to end any close friendship and now he is only an occassional hanger on.
I know its extreme and hard going for you, but pushing them together in the safety of your home enviroment might be enough for your daughter.
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mum_from_fife
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Reged: 29/07/2008
Posts: 181
Loc: Glenrothes, fife SCOTLAND
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we mved in to our house at christmas, where we lived before there were no kids about for my daughters to hang around with now they are always out, there is one girl among the crowd who to say the least is not someone you would want your child to be hanging around with for a number of reasons but unfortunatly as they are always out this girl is usually around them i have told my eldest daughter how i feel and she does her best to try and stay away from her although its difficult, unfortunatly i think we have to let our kids make up there own minds and judge it for themselves there is only so much input we can have and kids arent daft but its all part of growing up
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legallyblonde
member
Reged: 19/05/2008
Posts: 7
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Thanks for all your posts - good to read that I'm not the only one feeling that it's all going wrong! Some good ideas out there and the main one that came across is to guide but not come right out and say can't stand friend. We are adopting softly softly approach and in the last couple of weeks she has seen less of this girl and more of her other friends, so fingers crossed.
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legallyblonde
member
Reged: 19/05/2008
Posts: 7
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Update to this - daughter has seen the light and is no longer friends with undesirable best friend - several weeks ago said friend got extremely drunk, eneded up in A and E, with daughter (not drunk but thought it her "duty2 to accompany friend in ambulance). Upshot is that she has realised what bad news this girl was, luckily it was "only" drink and she has made her own mind up to avoid her. It was VERY difficult not to say told you so, but she was very open about everything that happened, and we are happy to have daughter back again!
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 2204
Loc: Suffolk,
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Well, now you can tell your daughter how proud you are of her, and that you always knew you could trust her to make the right decisions.
A little bit of flattery goes a long way with daughters.
..wispa
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Sonata
member
Reged: 21/12/2006
Posts: 364
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Phew....glad that got sorted out.
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