JustJules
member
Reged: 10/03/2008
Posts: 304
Loc: Lancashire
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Just wondered whether anybody else has any opinions on the following. Basically, I found myself a single parent with 2 very young children after marrying young and was single again for 8 years before re-marrhing and having another child. My parents were wonderful and devoted a lot of their time to us (I am an only child). We spent every Sunday with them, even though they both worked full-time at the time and always spent Christmas at their house. They played such a huge part in their lives and we couldn't have managed without them. We are on the whole a very close family. The older 2 kids are now married and whilst my daughter still maintains a lot of contact with my parents, my son (aged 30) doesn't bother with them much. The problem is that they really feel let down by him and I of course, bear the brunt of their frustrations. He used to see them occasionally on a Sunday afternoon if they came to my house but my Dad doesn't drive now so they don't come anymore. My mum had a bad fall recently and he never even rang her and refused to go down and see her on her birthday as he 'hates being told to conform'. He's always been a sensitive, deep thinking lad but I feel that he is being really selfish and have tried to explain that they now need us at their time of life and we should be there for them but he says he loves them but that they really aren't his responsibility! I meanwhile, work full-time and see them every weekend and sometimes just feel like saying, please would you go today to give me a break but he gets annoyed and says he has his life to live. Is it me, or am I wrong to expect some sort of loyalty to the grandparents who have done so much for him? They live about 25 mins away from him and whilst I know his time is precious, surely it's not too much to ask that he rings them occasionally (he says they don't ring him!) and goes down to see them or should I just give up and leave him to it. He got married in May and his wife isn't very family orientated either even though she is an only child. He much prefers to spend time with his friends and their families, which I understand but get frustrated about. :
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k8tie
member
Reged: 20/09/2008
Posts: 225
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I don't think phonecalls/letters, etc would kill him. It's up to him now.....you have spelled it out to him. Sorry this sounds a bit negative.
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FrancesM
member
Reged: 14/06/2008
Posts: 43
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Jules,
Can't really offer any solution to this problem as there comes a time in our children's lives when we can't tell them what to do. You could say to him that you would like him to keep in touch with his grandparents as he may regret not doing so when they are no longer there. Communication is a two way thing so perhaps it would be worthwhile your parents phoning him. Perhaps that would open up the channels. Trying to make him feel guilty about it will probably make things worse. Just keep passing on any news and information you think he will be interested in. That's about all you can do. I would try to avoid making too big an issue of it.
Sorry I can't offer you anything more than a few suggestions.
Keep smiling
FrancesM
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1445
Loc: Somerset
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I didn't see my gran regularly after I grew up. We didn't see eye to eye on a number of things (me working, not marrying early like my cousins, not having children etc) and it was calmer all round for the family that way. For me it was just a clash of personalities as I was actually living the life she'd have liked - we'd get on fine for a few weeks then fall out and avoid each other for months, then back to mates again. If my other grandparents had been around I'm sure I'd have visited them regularly.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4422
Loc: South London
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Hi
I noticed that you said your son got married in May, it's only the end of September now, so he is newly married. I expect he is still getting used to being part of a couple. Is it him or his OH?
I do agree with FrancesM and her comment that there comes a time when you can't tell your children what to do. Your son is now there. You have done what you can and now it is up to him. This may sound harsh, but unfortunately it is reality. I do feel sorry for your parents, I expect they would love to hear all his news first hand.
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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jessica
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Reged: 01/02/2007
Posts: 577
Loc: North Wiltshire
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Sorry K8tie, you might not like what I'm going to say but here goes
1. He wont get another set of grandparent that dote on him.
2. It sounds as if getting on the phone to them is not cool or going out with old folk doesn't go with his fashionable suit/sweater.....well tough. Bet they put up with his tantrums!! By the way they dont smell of piss do they? Perhaps he should do a stint in a care home (I dont think they smell of wee in there actually)
3 Lets hope that they leave what they have to a cats home
He must be soooo much up himself. I've got nephews/ relations such as your son but they've suddely realise they need the old folk because they are walking history books get a slant on history and the old folk have done it seen it all. So usually up for some sound advise.
Sorry didn't mean to go off on one but there you go
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Ginnie
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 482
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Hi Jules
It's a difficult situation for you but we can't dictate to our children. Do you think there is any point appealing to your DIL even though you say she is not interested in family? Perhaps he'll improve after the honeymoon period.
Ginnie
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When it rains look for rainbows
When it's dark look for stars
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SassyGranni
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Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 1116
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All i can say is he should be ashamed of himself, i know we dont do things for our children and granchildren to get things back in return but some basic consideration is not to much to ask is it.My two girls doted on my mum and dad ( i had been a single parent and they helpled a hell of a lot with them )when my dad died they visited mum almost every day,took thier children with them,took her shopping,out for lunch,dropped her off at bingo ! they were heartbroken when they died. Not cool ! its definately uncool to be so downright unfeeling towards his grandparents in my opinion.Make him go,and with a smile on his face.
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 1307
Loc: runcorn
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Sorry but I agree with Jessica. He comes across as selfish.
Even if he is married recently, it doesn't stop a quick phone call, a visit once a month. If he was 17, I'd roll my eyes, but 30? He's supposed to be a grown man.
It's a bit different as this refers to my mother ( all my grndparents died before I got to about 15), but the day my mother died, I'd been a got a couple of things from the shop for her and spent an uneventful half hour talking and watching coronation street. 2 hours later she was dead. After she died, I never had cause to wish I'd done better and seen her more.
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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blossom97
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 2395
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I am going to play devils advocate here.
My brother is a bit like that with my dad.He sees his in laws all the time but very rarely comes over to see my dad ( he does live a few hours away)I have resigned myself to the fact that I am the one that sees my dad (I do love visiting him though as he is so interesting )
Yes, your parents sounded like they doted on your son when he was younger, but he did not ask for this attention, and so I don't think it should be expected that he sees them. I am sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear.I have been through all these feeling over my brother and that is the conclusion I have come to.
I do think , however that if you leave well alone , he will realise himself the advantages of family (maybe when he has his own children) and make contact with them himself.
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kazann
member
Reged: 04/07/2008
Posts: 154
Loc: Derbyshire
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My 3 children are all grown up and married they don't spend time with my parents or OH but do make a effort to come see them when they visit us which is not that often.
However they all live very busy lives and don't seem to have much spare time.
I try not to preach has I feel this would cause a rift between us. It's sad but i'm sure this is not an usually problem.
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k8tie
member
Reged: 20/09/2008
Posts: 225
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Jessica....don't know why you thought I might not like your post...you've agreed with the tone of mine....the ball is in his court.
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2795
Loc: Leicestershire
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It is such a shame.My sons loved their grandparents so much and by the time they were teenagers, all four had died.They really envied their frinds their grandparents and would always have visited.Their dad died too when they were 26 and 23, and they've had to cope with that terrible loss too.
I feel a bit sorry about the breakdown of the relationship between your son and his grandparents.What do you think happened to result in this?
He may have regrets when they die, 'cos by then he will be old enough to appreciate what they were.
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Aprile
member
Reged: 28/07/2008
Posts: 475
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Another devil's advocate here....you say your parents feel let down but that sounds as if they're expecting some reward for helping out all those years (sorry, don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does). But did your son ask / want to see them every Sunday and Christmas? My grandmother helped out a lot when I was little but I didn't get on that well with her at the time. We spent every Christmas and many other days at her house when I would rather have been at home. As I got older and left home I was 'expected' to visit her every time I returned to see my parents and it got to the stage I felt so obligated that I didn't want to visit them! There was this horrible sense of duty. So in part I can see how your son might be feeling.
However as I got even older and had my own children I could relate to what my grandmother had been through much more (she hadn't had an easy life) and I started to want and to enjoy visiting her. Fortunately she lived to 93 so there was time!
It seems to me as if your son should be helping you out by visiting his grandparents - doing it for you, rather than for them - and perhaps that's the line you should take. You seem to have a lot of responsibilty which he could help you with.
I really hope this comes over ok as I really, really don't mean to offend. It's not easy to express things in posts sometimes.
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kate55
member
Reged: 06/04/2008
Posts: 86
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Short answer is no you shouldnt expect anything from your children but isnt it wonderful when they give without being asked and what they want to give is what we want them to give but life is not always perfect i have always found the more you push the less they want to do what they are being pushed to do He may come round in his own time he may not but ultimately it is up to him duty visits are terrible maybe with some space he will visist because he wants to
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JustJules
member
Reged: 10/03/2008
Posts: 304
Loc: Lancashire
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Thanks girls, it helps to get different perspectives on the situation. I too believe that it's only when he gets his own children over next few years that he may realise how important family is. They don't realise what importance old people place on phone calls and visits and that when you haven't got much else going on in your life, it's nice to be thought of every now and again.
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Sella_Vee
member
Reged: 03/04/2008
Posts: 949
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Jules, I also think this might be a boy thing. You know the old saying: "a daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son is a son til he take's a wife"
I agree that it might be worth asking him to help you, by phoning or calling more.
I'm the mother of three sons, and I do notice that the girls in their lives are often more family orientated.
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Psyche
member
Reged: 23/01/2007
Posts: 2324
Loc: Bicester OXON
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Completely agree with you Sella Vee. I too have 3 sons and It's down to me to keep in touch with them but that's the way it goes. I know that they are always there if I need any help.
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Psyche.
another day................another handbag!!!!!!!!
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