ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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A woman we know has been going through a divorce over the past couple of years that was recently finalised and is now waiting for the court to sort out the financial side and this is going to mean quite a change in her circumstances.
She's in a bit of a state to say the least and has started to rely on my OH for support rather a lot. He gets calls in the evening where she's crying hysterically and feels he has to rush off to make sure she's not going to do anything stupid and ends up just sitting listening to her problems for hours on end (he's had to stop her driving when drunk on at least one occasion). The calls for help have been getting more frequent recently as the court decision gets closer. This has meant three very late nights for OH in the last week.
How would you deal with this? I'm being as supportive as I can towards OH and showing concern, asking if she's ok, if there's anything I can do etc but it is getting a bit much - I get to see the tired and grumpy OH who says that everyone lands their problems on him, everyone else gets the caring friend. OH is a big softy (and has a soft spot for her anyway) and will never say no to someone asking for his help but I'm worried that he's getting stretched too far.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Hi Christina. I wonder, when I read this, why it is only your OH who is dealing with her trauma. Is it because you have children and only one can go? Your OH is a big softy and you say he has a soft spot for her. What about you? Maybe she could do with a woman's support too. I can only think that this woman is going through hell at the moment, but, it is her hell and not yours. She needs help from all quarters and not only from your OH. Because she is in such a bad state she will not appreciate other people's problems. My first thought when people are very needy is, do they have a family? If so, then the first port of call is the family, and friends should stay back. A situation like this calls for huge imposition on other people and only family can fill this. If she has no-one, then she needs devoted friends. Are you those friends? You are not being unreasonable in questioning why your husband has to be the one to help, and it would be right to wonder if she is not becoming too reliant on him, he does have a family of his own after all. Unless she is one of your best friends, she needs support from others too. If it were me (and do appreciate there is not too much detail in your post) I would assert myself with my husband and find out who else could help her. x x
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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Thanks Issi. Unfortunately if I'm there she just bottles everything up. OH knows her better than I do although I'd say that we were friends. He says she feels she can't talk to any of her female friends about this situation because we've all got what she hasn't (happy marriages) and that she thinks she's failed (which I think is probably why she's not talking to family that much either). She's far from failed having held things together long enough for the children to grow up in a good home with both parents there for them. I'm hoping that once she knows what her settlement is things will start to fall back into place - it must be so horrible to be reliant on a third party to decide what you get to keep and what your ex gets to take!
I know with my OH gentle suggestion will get me a lot further than coming straight out with what I think (has to be his idea etc) so I've 'wondered' if she's getting all the help from the professionals that she needs and am seeing where that goes.
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 2622
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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ditto what issi says.
I would immediately stop him rushing off to hers. Surely instead she can manage to get to your place.....Two heads are better than one, and he is your husband. Better to show a united caring front. Even if she has to sleep in your spare room, or couch. Never underestimate a desparate woman. Don't let it get to the stage where you can be made to look selfish......you are much more understanding than I would be!
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gyp
member
Reged: 15/04/2008
Posts: 598
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Christina
I'll say it how I see. I'd watch her like a hawk. This little 'woe is me' hysterics is aimed at getting attention, unfortunately your husband's attention. Where's her dignity. She may be going through it but come on, hysterics on the phone, long hours talking.
If you really can't tell her to back off, if she continues to carry on phoning - you go down there instead of your husband, see how long she carries on with that.
gyp
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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OzzieKez,
Thanks for your reply - I think you've spotted exactly where I am with this.
A hawk will have nothing on me!
I've just suggested OH asks her over for dinner sometime this week - she only seems to get in a state when she's been drinking so if she has to drive over to us she can't drink...
Chrissi
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annemari
member
Reged: 07/03/2008
Posts: 2558
Loc: Gloucestershire.
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I sincerly hope I am wrong in this,but,this is my opinion and only my opinion.
Obviously by some comments you have made-Children off to Uni,Waiting for settlement etc etc, I think if your husband is a softy,and everthing you say certainly points to the fact that he is.You have a lot to think about. However, in a nutshell,and I apologise in advance if this is blunt,but then I'm not known for diplomacy. You need to watch her like a hawk!!! BIG TIME. You say she's in a state when she has been drinking-how do you know that for sure???-many people can sound and act drunk when they want to,but may not have touched a drop.
I think this lady is desperate-she is going through a divorce-her children are off to Uni-They want to live with their father-She phones for hours and talks to YOUR husband,(get a second phone and join the conversation)-she claims she is drunk,yet you don't see it and your husband has a soft spot for her anyway-and the clincher she doesn't want to be alone.
Oh boy,ChristinaB-Please wake up and smell the roses before they fade away and it's too late. 
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Annemari xx
 "Hey Tinker,Mums a proud and bouncy TwiddleTigger"!! "Eric,Have you seen Mum's pinny?"
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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AnneMari,
edited my post as probably included a bit too much detail for an open forum but been there with an ex through being too trusting of a friend... it's not happening again! Unfortunately most men only see the obvious - we see what's behind the big show...
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nowcemsi
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 273
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when I was going through my divorce (if this helps) I refused any help (albeit sincere Im sure) from any male friends who where in relationships for the very reason you are posting.
When I was a divorcee women viewed me with suspicion sob
and having been through such a painful time "the last thing I would ever do is steal another womans man,,,,"
so keep an eye out my friend, she may not be like moi xx
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Ginnie
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 485
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Are we back on the old thread of 'givers and takers'here?
I think your friend sounds like a typical taker and although your friend is having a hard time she is being very selfish and taking too much from you and your OH.
He will have to take a step back especially if she won't include you. You are a pair and she has to accept that.
Ginnie
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..................................................
When it rains look for rainbows
When it's dark look for stars
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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Thanks girls. You've all said what I'm thinking... I'm there if she needs me but there are limits to what I'm willing to give!!!
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marymary
member
Reged: 16/05/2007
Posts: 728
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Like many others have said, alarm bells immediately started ringing when I read your post. I don't think it's at all natural for a woman in this situation only to want to talk to a man unless, in her needy state, she's getting from him something she isn't getting elsewhere - male attention. Normally we women want to talk to other women, don't we, because they understand how we're feeling.
I think I'd definitely try to try to stop this before it inadvertently goes too far, by trying to prevent her being on her own with your OH.
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Snowy1066
member
Reged: 08/07/2008
Posts: 4056
Loc: Southeast
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Christina, you and OH sound like a luvly couple. But if I was in your predicament, I'm not sure I would have been so understanding. I think it is very dangerous situation, and you should speak to your husband again, about how vulnerable this lady is at the mo, and how easily things could get out of hand. I have heard many times of stories of people going thru divorces, and ending up with someone who lends a shoulder to cry on.
Obviously reiterate the fact you love him very much, and that you don't want to end up with any probs coming between you two, because of this friends problems. Lots of Luck think your gonna need it.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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Thanks Snowy. We did a lot of talking over the weekend. He thinks I'm being overly sensitive but then men don't see what's under their noses which is why they suddenly find themselves in a situation they can't get out of. I'm doing all I can to be as involved as possible but I can't insist on going everywhere with him or say he can't go out (I know for certain that would have the opposite effect).
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 2219
Loc: Suffolk,
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Unplug the phone. And put his mobile on silent.
Or have a nice bottle of wine or beer waiting for him when he gets in, and ply drink so he can't drive.
Or answer the phone, and tell her he is too tired after a day at work, but you will go over if she wants.
But keep an eye out and don't trust her.
..wispa
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3761
Loc: South Wales
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Could you pop round to see her so she doesn't need to ring your OH?
I agree with everything else that's been said, Chrissi. You can't ban him from going out, but I'd do my best to make sure he doesn't want to...
You could also ask him to think, honestly, about how he would feel if the situations were reversed and you were taking a lot of calls from and popping out to see a man who was in the same postion. Perhaps he wouldn't be quite so blasé about that?
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Edited by valaber (11/08/2008 18:33)
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jenny1
member
Reged: 30/08/2006
Posts: 122
Loc: Belfast
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Chrissi
I agree with all that has been said. Your OH has done his 'bit' and now it is up to her. He must know how you feel if this scenario happened to you before and it is insensitive of him to persue it. He needs to be unavailable in the future and cannot brush off your doubts and feelings so readily as he seems to have done. He's your man!
Thinking about you
Jenny
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Hi Chrissi. I think underneath I have also felt that your husband may feel he is getting something from being so needed by someone other than his wife. You are obviously on the ball. May I suggest that you become more demanding? Not in a bad way. Being too soft can have the effect of making him think he can make all the decisions and he has to be reminded that you need him too. Someone told me recently that you must never flinch from doing what is right for you simply from the fear of what another may say or do. That is where they get their strength from.
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Jules45
member
Reged: 17/04/2007
Posts: 238
Loc: Warks
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Agree with all the above comments, I lost someone to these tactics, I didn't say much because I didn't want to sound like a jealous harpy. I kept quiet and tried to be sympathetic I should have said something but it's so difficult to know what to say without coming across as unkind.
Christina you have all my sympathy, this friend may be genuinely distressed but sadly there are women who deliberately behave like this because they want a replacement man and even more sadly don't care who they hurt to get one.
Add the talking to only male friends to the alcohol consumption, and the vague insinuations she might do some damage to herself, and you have exactly the situation I was in. There's been some good suggestions on here, but ultimately you know your OH best and know how to voice your disquiet.
Thinking of you and keeping everything crossed for you.
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Jules
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Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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Hi Chrissi, your husband maybe a softy, but this situation is clearly upsetting YOU, or you wouldn't have posted about it, and you are his wife! Do your feelings not matter? If I were you I would tell your husband that you find the situation totally unacceptable! Surely he can see that it’s highly inappropriate for him to go rushing off to help another woman who isn’t even part of the family. We’ve all heard of the Good Samaritan, but this is stretching it a bit to say the least!
This woman may have problems, but she doesn’t seem to be taking your feelings into consideration. Why does she feel the need to bottle things up when you're there I wonder? This woman needs someone else to help her, not your husband!
Why don't you show your husband this thread? We don't think you are being 'overly sensitive' that's for sure!
Good luck with it. I hope your husband manages to see sense.
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