judyb
member
Reged: 09/01/2008
Posts: 79
Loc: Yeadon, West Yorkshire
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I have had some great advice from the forum over the last year and would welcome any ideas on my current dilemma. My 14 year old daughter has had almost a year of ill health and very poor school attendance due to glandular fever. In the last 4 months 2 GPs have observed that her tonsils are in poor shape and should be removed. This morning she was seen by the ENT consultant who agreed that she should go on the waiting list to have her tonsils out. My problem is that she absolutely refuses to agree to the operation - at 14 she is entitled to do so.
She had a horrible experience at the onset of her glandular fever with a severe case of tonsillitis requiring a week in hospital on an IV drip. She, understandably, has a dread of needles and tests and is adamant that she is not going to have an operation.
She is really behind at school and I don't want her to continue to miss a lot of school as she starts her GCSE courses. Unfortunately, although she is a very bright girl, she has no interest in school and so this is not going to work as an argument for having the op!
My daughter is extremely strong willed and stubborn - she has on 2 occasions stormed out of the house and gone missing for several hours. I know that she will need to be persuaded to consent to this procedure - there is no way I can insist that she does.
Am I making too big a deal of this - maybe I should just accept that she won't have the op and let her suffer ongoing ill health and missed school.
Any opinions or advice from mums with similarly stubborn children would be very welcome.
Thank you, Judyb x
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gyp
member
Reged: 15/04/2008
Posts: 598
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Hi Judi
I know someone who missed at lot of school and didn't get good grades. And guess what, in her thirties she blamed her mother for not insisting she go to school regularly.
You do what they say you should do. She'll thank you later but she'll hate you in the meantime. What else are mother's up for in the teenage years?
gyp
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VMax
member
Reged: 15/08/2008
Posts: 107
Loc: Kent..
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I had a girl in my class at school who missed a year of school due to glandular fever. Lindsay her name is. We still stay in touch and she has done very well for herself. She works somewhere in London doing some sort of office job.
As for your daughter, I'm not sure how I would deal with it. Have you tried having a doctor speak to her about it? He/she may be able to explain it slightly better and talk her round. Failing that, whack her over the head and get her in hospital while she is unconscious.
Seriously though, the doctor option would probably be my choice.
Good luck, hope she gets it sorted.
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xx Viv xx
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McPhee
member
Reged: 21/07/2008
Posts: 948
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Judyb
I have a teenage D so can understand some of where you are coming from.
Can't offer any advice I'm afraid, just hope she comes to her sense's soon.
Hang in there!
McPhee
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We are here for a good time, not a long time!
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buckup
member
Reged: 08/04/2008
Posts: 77
Loc: whitstable Kent
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Mot sure on this one....how about having a work with her form tutor and asking him/ her to find out who else at school has had the same opp.Then maybe another class mate could chat to her about it.?????????????????????
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buckup
member
Reged: 08/04/2008
Posts: 77
Loc: whitstable Kent
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having a word even not work........!
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Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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What are the medical implications of her not having the op? Perhaps you should arrange for her to have a chat with your GP or the ENT Consultant so that she fully understands the pros and cons.
I also have a fourteen year old daughter, so you have my sympathy. Good luck.
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susie72
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 30
Loc: west midlands
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Hi JudyB
You say she understandably has a fear of needles etc but is that the real reason. I would try to find out exactly why she doesnt want to go in hospital, is she afraid of an infection, of the anaesthetic and not waking up etc. If you can ascertain what her fears are then you can try to alleviate them by finding out rates of infection and risks of the operation etc. Im 34 and i work in a hospital yet im petrified of having an op and was a nightmare when i had to have one and i like to think i may be more rationale than a teenager. I wouldnt push her into the op just yet but i think these issues need to be considered. Hope this helps
Sue
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 2220
Loc: Suffolk,
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My daughter had recurring bouts of tonsillitis and glandular fever. She had the her tonsils out, op was quick and easy, and she's never looked back.
..wispa
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 1621
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Hi JudyB
It's not easy with teenagers is it? I hadn't realised that my 14 year old could refuse treatment, so thanks for letting me know. I won't let him know though!
I think the advice given here is good. Seems there are 3 things you need to tackle.
1. You need to find out why she feels so strongly about not having the op.
2. Get the ENT to talk to her, she needs to understand the implications of not having the op (if there are any).
3. You need to talk to her about school, why has she no interest in it? Yes all kids hate it but most at least see it as a chance to be with their mates.
When you understand more about her feelings on these things you can decide if you feel her reasons are good ones. If you don't think they are, then you can make the decision for her.
Gyp is right your D will thank you later in life.
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mcdizzy
member
Reged: 13/01/2008
Posts: 98
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not sure if this will help, perhaps just another perspective:
I had lots of tonsilitis and G.Fever as a teenager but by my mid 20's I'd grown out of it and to some extent before that had learnt to manage it (i.e. not getting over tired etc).
I also have a fear of needles and that fear has remained even after having spent 12 years in and out of hospital having treatments involving drips (not connected to the tonisilitis etc by the way!)and monthly blood tests. So I can understand the needle fear your daughter is experiencing. Its a very real fear for me, all be it probably irrational - they call it needle phobia.
If there is a genuine medical advantage to having the proceedure that outweighs not having it done, perhaps a nurse or someone from the consultants could have a chat with your daughter, someone not so close as family.
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Rosey46
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 105
Loc: cornwall
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A homeopath once told me that taking tonsils out when they were causing problems was similar to taking a red light out on your dashboard of your car, because it kept coming on!!
My niece was in a similar situation, had her tonsils out, then developed some mysterious problem with her knee which couldn't be operated on, and so missed her GCSEs entirely. Seemed to coinside with her mum going to London to work/train and only seeing her every month or so.
She is now, at 26, finishing her degree and is healthy.
I'm a firm believer that if you don't listen to your body when it's trying to tell you something, it'll find something, healthwise, that you just can't ignore.
Try to find out what's really going on with her, family dynamics and all.
Rosey
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shellseeker
member
Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 1017
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My son had his tonsills out a year ago (he was just 18). He kept getting tonsillitus and missing school and was advised to have them removed. He has had one bad sore throat since, but nothing like the agony he went through before. He was always on anti biotics (no good) so he followed the advice of our GP and the consultant. One word of warning to you, it is an unpleasant op at that age, they said when we left the hospital that if he thought he was in pain now, wait for day 5, this is just a warning, he was in agony and was on a lot of pain killers BUT looking back now he said it was worth it not to feel exhausted with tonsillitus and be off school. Hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you need to.
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jessica
member
Reged: 01/02/2007
Posts: 578
Loc: North Wiltshire
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I wasn't able to get the treatment for my daughter and have regreted not pushing it further. Shes 26 now and has early morning starts and likes to party so the end result is that she get tonsillitus which leads on to inflamed sinuses and life becomes really miserable for her, this puts her in bed for a few days, which doesn't bode well with her employers, so she has to force herself to get into work. As she's 200 miles away its down to her, but I'm convinced if she had had her tonsils removed life would have been better for her.
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Belcat1
member
Reged: 05/07/2008
Posts: 15
Loc: N. Ireland
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Hi Judy
I can sympathise with your problem. My daughter took glandular fever when she was 16. It took a while to diagnose and she missed a lot of school. She was into her AS year and I realised she was falling behind. At first I was insisting she went to school even if she wasn`t feeling great and had to be sent home. This wasn`t working and stressed us both out, then someone told me to think about applying for home tuition. As my husband and I both work we never feel we`re entitled to claim for anything. At first we didn`t seem to be getting anywhere through the school but because I saw this as an issue about my daughters future I really pushed for it going to the LEA and even contacting their doctor who decided on these cases.
We managed to get her home tuition, she was out of school for the rest of that year and did really well in her exams.
She was back at school the next year and completed her A levels. She has since gone to Uni and completed her degree.
I know this doesn`t solve your problem about her tonsils but simetimes its easier to deal with one problem at a time and then maybe you could help her sort out her fear of operations over time.
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tsn
member
Reged: 04/05/2008
Posts: 94
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Judy,
My daughter had her tonsils out at the beginning of Year 10 (so was 15), she too had missed alot of time off school.
I have to say we didn't realise quite how painful it was going to be. She really suffered and then got an infection while she was recovering so had double bubble. It took her a good two weeks to recover.
She hasn't had it since, although has just had mumps and her neck ballooned up again (like it would when she had tonsilitis)
Could you get your daughter to talk to someone who has had it done at a similar age. They may be able to persuade her and give the positives of being tomsilitis free for ever more!
Hope you get it sorted, it is so stressful when they miss all this time off school. When they get another bout you just think..please not again.
Wishing you well. Please feel free to pm me if you like.
regards
tsn
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judyb
member
Reged: 09/01/2008
Posts: 79
Loc: Yeadon, West Yorkshire
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Thanks to everyone who has replied - the forum really is a great source of reassurance and advice!
I am going to wait and see how things go when my daughter goes back to school in September and if, after the holidays, her attendance improves. Much of her absence last year was due to the fatigue associated with Glandular Fever rather than full blown tonsillitis so maybe, given time, she will recover without having the tonsils out.
We have an appointment to see the ENT consultant again in a few weeks so in the meantime I will get the GP and her Head of Year to talk to her.
Those of you who suggested looking at wider issues are spot on. She does feel the pressure of having a very clever and sociable older brother who appears to sail through life with few problems. She also finds it hard that I am a teacher so that part of her natural mother/daughter rebellion is to 'hate school' and not care how she does.
Her reaction to the operation is, I think, a complex mix of genuine fear of hospital together with a wish to make up her own mind and rebel against authority (me!).
I will let you know how we go. Thanks agin for help already posted - any further suggestions, observations very welcome.
Judyb
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DeepBlue
member
Reged: 16/02/2008
Posts: 331
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Hi JudyB. I haven't got any teenagers but I was one and one not unlike your daughter. If there was something to rebel against I was first in the queue. Hated school and couldn't see the point of working to pass exams. I was the third child of a 4 children family who were all very clever. I didn't feel I was but 40 years later have done best in my career as a Training Consultant. School just didn't do it for me - too much petty authority but once I'd left and actually found out what I wanted to do I just flew and flew. I too was a stormer out, my poor parents and teachers.
I was also a tonsilitis sufferer - missed my GCEs because of it. However I had them out at 18 and honestly can't remember it being bad - a bit of a non event in fact although I do remember being anxious before the op.
I also hate needles (a few years ago I spent 4 months on an intravenous drip in hospital -not related to throat) and discovered them that if you tell staff they will use a 'butterfly' needle which is very fine and used in paedatrics and will numb the area first with anaesthetic cream. I found this very helpful. As regards drips it's sometimes where they put the canula in and some nurses are better than others but she may not need them or just have to put up with it for a short period. Because of an ongoing condition I have no option but to have regular blood tests and although I don't like them I've got used to it and it hurts less because I don't tense up now.
Your daughter seems a bright girl so I think the best course of action would be to have the ENT guy explain everything to her then let her make the choice unless of course it's life threatening. As she gets older she'll mellow and may even find the inconvenience of tonsilitis the spur to having something done. Good luck.
p.s. I did also work for a year with teenage out of control girls in an approved school so do have some understanding of them
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judyb
member
Reged: 09/01/2008
Posts: 79
Loc: Yeadon, West Yorkshire
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Hi PoppyC.
Thank you so much for your reply - I found it really helpful. You do sound very like my daughter!
I know from my job in a big comprehensive school that some very bright kids just aren't turned on by studying but go on to be very sucessful in life. The impact of having clever, confident siblings can not be under estimated. There is so much about my daughter that I admire because I was such a shy and biddable child that I just did what I was told and tried to please my teachers and parents all the time! My daughter's spirit is frustrating at the moment but I do believe that her intelligence (she has the potential to shine academically at school) and individuality could be really positive forces in the future.
As a family we have always tried to boost her confidence and give her opportunities to shine (including 5 year at Stagecoach drama school where she gained distinction in acting exams) but she continues to lack self belief and has the attitude that 'I will never do as well as my brother so I'm not going to try'
At the end of the day, in this current situation about the tonsils, I will probably go with your advice PoppyC - give her all the information (again!) and leave the decision with her - after all it isn't life and death and she can have the operation in the future.
Thanks again for all replies! x
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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I had glandular fever at 20 and for years every caught every bug that came near me, always resulting in chest infections with anti-biotics and a recurrence of all the exhaustion associated with glandular fever. If your D's tonsils are the vulnerable area in her body then I think I'd get the consultant or a health worker to discuss it with her. I know when I was 14 I'd have done the opposite to what my parents wanted whenever possible despite the consequences. 14 year olds feel their parents treat them as children whereas they feel grown up (no matter what the reality is) so being treated like an adult and being allowed to discuss the situation alone with a specialist may help.
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