snoozysuzy
member
Reged: 15/08/2008
Posts: 10
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Hello everyone. This might be a bit long so apologies but need some advice. This follows on from the thread about children returning home from Uni. Mine did just that in July and I am struggling with lots of things. I appreciate he will feel a draft as stated in the previous thread but it goes deeper than that. I have been recovering from a disastrous break up in a relationship and have just got myself back on an even keel after 4 years. Moved house, area, job the lot for a fresh start and am on an even keel at last. Have to say that son hasn't particularly bothered about me - had a hysterectomy last year and he could only manage to turn up for 24 hours when I arrived back home (where I knew no one). I have just got back from taking him to Australia because I felt too guilty about going without him and he couldn't be bothered to say thank you, when I bent over backwards to ensure he had a good time. He doesn't have a job and wants to work in the film industry but I know this will be sporadic. Am I too selfish in thinking that a) he should pay board now he is home and b) get a job to give himself some money or am I expected just to keep supporting him? The Oz trip was once in a lifetime and I'm not flush with money so I think he should contribute. Some days he just won't get out of bed until noon when I have to be up at 6 every day and work long hours. I honestly don't feel any guilt about my divorce - it was very amicable and he has had support from my ex and myself all the way through uni and it was quite some time ago so don't believe I'm compensating for that but also don't want to be mean. Any suggestions. I feel very unsettled by it all. I just get the feeling I have a selfish young man on my hands that thinks of no one but himself at the minute and don't know what to do. Thanks very much.
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trendymurm
member
Reged: 07/03/2008
Posts: 171
Loc: Kent
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The young can be very selfish. I don't think that you are expecting too much for him to start paying his way, after all he is an adult now. There is nothing to stop him getting temporary jobs whilst he finds something in the film industry and is his dream realistic? - its a very tough industry to be in unless you can break into it and be really good, perhaps he needs to have some other ambitions as well. He needs to understand that he is no longer a student and can't lie in bed all day, he has responsibilities one of which is to start supporting himself. He's been very lucky to have been supported all the way through uni, lots of students have to work and support themselves to get through. Don't feel mean, the best thing you can do for him is to make him face up to his responsibilities, you can't keep him for ever. Might sound tough but that's what real life is like. Might be an idea to make some of the jobs around the house his responsibility whilst he is unemployed... a very good incentive to get a job! You don't say if you give him money to spend but if I was you if you do stop! make him earn his own. Get tough its for his own good.
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 1621
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Hi Snoozysuzy - no you're not selfish, but all teenagers/young adults are, it's in their genes.
Wait until you're calm, no need to have a row, then explain the facts and figures. He may want to work in the film industry but in the mean time he can and should do any old job to bring in some cash. Even if it's just enough to pay for himself - but personally I think he should be paying board. Film work will be sporadic but once he understands the work ethic his income doesn't have to be.
Don't worry, he's perfectly normal and just needs his lovely Mum to show the way. Good luck.
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 5733
Loc: Billericay,Essex
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Wise words Trendy and Patsy :-)
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emptynest
member
Reged: 10/11/2007
Posts: 505
Loc: South Wales
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HI snoozysuzy
I have a 23 year old who returned from uni a couple of years ago. He wasn't quite as bad because he had a part-time job in Asda all the way through uni and kept this when he finished uni. He was hard work though and didn't do much around the house. He is now moving out this month to a flat with a friend.
I think we mothers bring it on ourselves to a certain extent. I know I spoiled him and his brother as children and they do tend to expect it to continue. It's not easy to break a habit of a lifetime. I still feel as if they are my children even though they have grown up and should be standing on their own two feet.
I let him stay rent free for the six months but then started charging him £100 a month which he could easily afford. If he hadn't got this flat I would have been increasing the amount slowly as I know it is important for him to move out and be independent. Can't say it's easy letting go though.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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I wonder if it's actually occurred to him that he's no longer a child and can't expect Mum to do everything for him?
My advice would be to give him a deadline (say one month) to find a way to contribute to the household costs and, if you're supplying his spending money, to stop now as he's got no incentive to find a job if someone's already giving him beer money. Presumably he knows how much you must be spending as he'll have had to budget at uni (when I started work in the '80s my parents took about a quarter of my take home pay for my 'keep').
You don't mention if he's interested in acting or the technical side of the film industry but either way there are probably opportunities for casual labour (extras, runners etc) which would be good experience and demonstrate his interest on a cv. Alternatively any temping agency (office work or factory or catering) would be a good start. Perhaps you could find a small list of agencies that might have suitable work for him?
Good luck, and no you're not expecting too much.
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Sunbeam
member
Reged: 09/05/2008
Posts: 2480
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It's so hard Snoozysuzy to be the only parent living with grown up but still immature sons, my Husband died when my boys were 18 and 21, one just finished Uni and one just starting, The elder had been sponsored through Uni so came home to a job, so paid board not enough to keep him but at least a contribution. I suppose it's slightly different when you're widowed because they knew I was comfortable but wouldn't be able to keep 3 of us. Perhaps it hasn't occured to your Son that you will be unable to finance his life, they do tend to take their parents for granted and don't necessarily think you have a life of your own that they aren't a part of. I know it's not easy I found it hard to rock the boat or make bad atmoshperes when I lived alone with my sons, it's hard to be the only nagging parent but you probably have got to say how pleased you were to be able to take him to Australia but that was a trip of a lifetime but now this is the real world and that you will need him to contibute to his living expenses in the future. He really isn't any different to all the rest Suzy, and he is a male when all is said and done, they just dont think!!! hope all goes well.
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Silver
member
Reged: 28/01/2008
Posts: 112
Loc: Didsbur, South Manchester
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Hi Snoozysuzie,
I dont think you are selfish, but if your son has only just completed his degree after studying for his finals, (you said he came back in July) then he too will be going through an adjustment period, students need time to make the transition into being a responsible adult and taking up their place in a working society. You can help him through this transition by introducing him to the concept of work and beginning to pay his own way, so yes ou are thinking on the right lines, but on average most students are unemployed for about 4-6months after completing higher education..he will get there...he has you...good luck
Silver
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I have three daughters, two grown up and married and one teenager, and I love cats.
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snoopy56
member
Reged: 28/08/2007
Posts: 91
Loc: Norfolk
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My 23yr old son has just come back home (with all his stuff). He has spent the last 2 years since graduating putting on shows (for no remuneration), trying to get an internet venture off the ground, and doing a bit of tutoring to pay the rent. He was lucky enough to have a lump of money to live off as a result of winning a competition but that has long gone. He seems to be expecting an 'opportunity' to fall into his lap. We have now insisted that he 'signs on' for job seekers allowance for as long as he is living with us and that he is actively applying for jobs.
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AllyL
member
Reged: 23/07/2008
Posts: 1350
Loc: Cumbria, UK
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Hi Snoozysuzie, No you are not expecting too much. Your son IS an adult after all. I agree with all the excellent advice the other ladies have given you. I do think it is important that you sit down with him and discuss it calmly - it probably hasn't occurred to him that he's being selfish.
Good luck!
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Ally XXX
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feathers
member
Reged: 20/05/2007
Posts: 514
Loc: Tyneside
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He is an adult now so treat him like one. He should contribute financially and on a practical level. If he doesn't then only buy food for yourself and let his washing pile up!
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snoozysuzy
member
Reged: 15/08/2008
Posts: 10
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Thanks to everyone who replied sayi8ng pretty much the same thing. Actually once I had written it all down it became pretty clear to myself what my problems were. I think what I will do is give him a time limit on getting work - there is plenty about where I live and then start charging him. He has already had some offers of work but most of it unpaid - he says it's to get his name known I just think it's cheap labour but haven't said as much. I don't give him money and he has worked whilst at Uni so he's not that bad. I suppose it's reassuring to know that most children are selfish - perhaps I'm trying to put an old head on young shoulders. My parents have always been there for me but I've always had to pay my way so maybe I just need to follow there excellent lead! Thanks again - it's my first post so lovely to know you are all there.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Hi Snoozysuzy. If your son wants a career in the film industry he has not got one second to waste. So many young people have exactly the same idea and thousands of them are trying to get in there even as he is lying in bed. He needs to get a job, any job, in the area he is interested in. Faces count for a lot and people are used time and again in the industry when their faces are known. Try to get him out there. You've been a great mum.
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