rosettastone
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 523
Loc: Kent/Surrey borders
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Hi,
My SIL lives in the USA divorced with her two sons both in their early 20s. The eldest is adopted in the UK before she moved out there some 15 years ago. She then fell pregnant with the second boy. When she was with her husband, neither of them could decide how to raise the boys ,always arguing in front of them one would discipine the other countermand etc. They divorced and now the second boy , their own, has turned into the young man from hell. He seriously assaulted her and he spent 12 months in prison in the US.
He is back with her after she refused to allow him to live in a bail hostel . He now steals from her and other relatives and generally drives others away with his drugs and alcohol. She has written a sad letter to my OH , her brother stating that her son has ruined her life and she doesn't know what to do with him anymore.
She is angling to come over and see us if we pay for their fares as she can't afford them. The problem is that we are happy to see her but do not want to see our nephew and we certainly don't want to have him in the house.
Should we say that they can come to a hotel? Last time they came many years ago, they run up a huge telephone bill to the US which we ended up footing. 
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carpe diem - seize the day!
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intray
member
Reged: 23/02/2008
Posts: 203
Loc: S. Lanarkshire
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It is your house and you decide who you invite into it. You'd be better off suggesting a hotel unless she is on her own.
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My in tray is never empty there's always something to do.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4425
Loc: South London
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Would your OH's nephew be allowed into the UK with his police record? I don't know much about these things, but when I went to America last year the standard form asked lots of detailed questions about any police records.
A difficult question this one, I would not want this young man in my home either. He obviously has a lot of issues to sort out and crossing the Atlantic will not solve them. You may end up footing a large hotel bill as well. What does your OH think about it?
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 2629
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Wow! What a tough one. I really dont think any good can come of him being with you. I wouldnt put my family through it.
I really feel for her. My boy is not quite as bad and seems to be gradually coming out of it but it is still unbelievably painful.
I have had to step back and let my son accept responsibility for his actions. Very painful indeed! There really is nothing anyone can do for people like this. I know, I've tried. They have to find their own way. If he has childhood issues, he needs to deal with them.
My heart really goes out to you all. Would it be better if you visited them? After all, would you end up having to pay for the Hotel?
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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I can't see the authorities stopping a criminal getting into this country - can you? Look what kind of people are allowed in right now. And once here, they seem to be able to stay. I think you are in danger of having your in-laws' problems offloaded onto you. If it were me I would not want to have the nephew over and neither would I pay for anyone - you may have to be responsible for them whilst they are here. This is a time to be tough because once they are here you will probably find it much harder to be tough.
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dec
member
Reged: 29/01/2008
Posts: 762
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I would think a break away from her son is what she really needs.Can she not come without him? I think if they are together you will all be involved in this mess and it's unlikely anyone will benefit from the visit.
Even well behaved guests can be hard work and this seems like a nightmare scenario to me.
Sorry I can't come up with anything really positive but don't feel pushed into something you don't want to do
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 2276
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Hi rosetta. Agree with decorator, your SIL could probably do with a break and there is absolutely no way I would entertain her son in your home even if he is allowed to travel outside the US which as issi says he probably will be. He has assault, drugs, stealing....the list probably stretches much further on.....dont feel bludgeoned into agreeing to have him. As for your SIL perhaps you could tell her your fears and maybe she will agree that a break alone would be good for her. Good Luck. Vicks xx
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 1621
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Hi Rosetta, this is a tough one but I think the ladies are right - your sister could do with a break from this. And he could do with standing on his own 2 feet. To have him in your home would be awful, you'd never relax. You shouldn't feel that you have to have him either, sounds like you've done more than enough in the past. Good luck.
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rosettastone
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 523
Loc: Kent/Surrey borders
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Thanks for the posts ladies....unfortunately, my nephew still has British citizenship so he will be allowed in the UK. SIL won't leave him on his own either in case he trashes her house and he has been known to attempt his own life with overdoses before now. MIL won't have either of them for the same reasons as us..so OH hasn't quite decided what to do yet , we could just ignore the letter. SIL has asked us for money before often thousands of pounds because of her huge debts, which we have refused to lend or give her as there is no control over where the money goes. She would probably give it all to her son who would buy drugs.
I agree she wants a break but if I suggest she comes without her son , she will take it as a personal insult even though he is clearly a nightmare. You see, we should "all love him anyway and make allowances" according to her
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carpe diem - seize the day!
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 1621
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Small wonder he is like he is 
Sorry Rosette, no offence intended.
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DeepBlue
member
Reged: 16/02/2008
Posts: 331
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Sorry to disagree Issi - it's not particularly easy to get into this country unless you are an EU national and that works both ways. My nephew met a lovely girl from the US who could only stay here for 6 months. During that time she wasn't allowed to do ANY paid work. They are now engaged but she has had to go home to apply for an 'Engaged' Visa which will allow her to come back here but not work until she is married. She's now been home for 3 months trying to move things on. In addition they MUST get married within 12 months of her coming back or she will be deported. She will only be able to work once she's married.It's no mean feat getting into the UK just as it is in the US. Known criminals get sent back unless there is an extradition agreement in place.
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KazA
member
Reged: 05/06/2008
Posts: 15
Loc: Leeds/ Near airport
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Your nephew sounds like he is a man now or at least over 16.
So I cannot see him wanting to come anyway.
What do the older generation and the uk have for a wayward teenager not a right lot.
Would it not be easier for you to visit the usa in a few years and just do a quick visit and some travelling.
Familes are awkward territory but you do not have to put anyone up or pay for them just keep in touch .
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Regards
Karen
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KazA
member
Reged: 05/06/2008
Posts: 15
Loc: Leeds/ Near airport
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BACK AGAIN.
THE ISSUE HERE IS NOT JUST A NEPHEW. WHY WOULD A RELATIVE ASK FOR THOUSANDS OF POUNDS.
YOU NEED TO LOOK AT THE FULL PICTURE AND IT SEEMS MORE THAN A WAYWARD TEENAGER.
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Nisgal
member
Reged: 10/06/2008
Posts: 16
Loc: Worcestershire
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Just a thought...but why doesnt your OH pay his sister a visit in the US? She may "Want to get away" from it all but having no control over her spending means that she doesnt have that option. You can help, you can be there for her, just dont get sucked into the mess that would appear to be her life. Keep a little emotional distance...very easy to say, very difficult to do. Tough love doesnt only apply to children...siblings and sometimes parents have to be the recipients of tough love to help them see that thier lives are out of control and unacceptable. Good luck.
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dec
member
Reged: 29/01/2008
Posts: 762
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I've been thinking about your situation since my last post and I don't think anything would be achieved by you having them both to stay with you.The bad behaviour would merely be transferred from USA to England.Your Sil wouldn't get a break from it and you would be made to suffer also.Once he's in your house you may find him difficult to get rid of.Your presence will not guarantee his good behaviour.He seems to need treatment not a holiday in England so that he can create more havoc in peoples lives.
Whilst you might feel bad refusing her request I'm certain you'd end up feeling much,much worse if they ended up in your home.Also,given your SIL attitude she would probably take her son's side in any conflict which would cause a rift between you anyway.
Dec
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rosettastone
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 523
Loc: Kent/Surrey borders
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Its a long standing problem and you're right SIL will always take her sons' side..he is now 20 years old. The money issue is because she is living beyond her means in the US and totally indulges her son now and in the past with anything he wants. She has bought him a car before now when he was 15 before he could even get a licence .The car just sat on the drive until she had to sell it again to fund her. So we won't be giving any money over anyway.
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carpe diem - seize the day!
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sarg
member
Reged: 01/10/2007
Posts: 16
Loc: dunchurch, rugby
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Hi Rosetta,
Have just come in on this one. What a difficulty! But I think that you have really identified the problem yourself i.e. that your SIL just lets him get away with anything and doesn't seem to see that he is totally indulged. If you are in any doubt don't do it!!
Until she sorts it out herself I agree with the previous suggestion that your OH goes over there. I wouldn't have them with you or pay for anything - it's just opening yourselves up to being used. Hard though that may seem.
Good luck
Sarg
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rosettastone
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 523
Loc: Kent/Surrey borders
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Thanks for all the suggestions. I put to OH about his going over there, but he has decided he can't face it either. We are not going to give any money so that puts the kibosh on them coming over. If she was here, she would only put us under pressure for money.
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carpe diem - seize the day!
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