independent
member
Reged: 14/10/2007
Posts: 176
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Today my ex OH has told me that he has met someone new who will be in regular contact with the children on their visits, I accept that this would happen although it still hurts,
My problem is that I feel quite negative about my situation and I hate feeling this way, compared to many people I am fortunate but I feel overwhelmed by my life and responsibilities and find it difficult to make decisions and move forward, I want my chldren to have a gOod upbringing but I feel that whatever I do or provide will never be good enough and never as good as what their father could provide, particularly with his new partner/ improved soial setting and high income, how can I believe in myself more and stop comparing mtself unfavourably to him? sorry if this sounds so self absorbed but I just feel I have to leave it out.
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 2276
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Hi Independent, sorry to hear you are feeling low. Its been one of those weeks this week, so many of our lovely forumers having a downer. Well I dont know what to advise you, but just to say hi and am hoping you will feel more positive tomorrow.
V
cxx
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Jae
member
Reged: 21/04/2006
Posts: 691
Loc: Scotland
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Hi independent. No need to apologise. We have to get all these feeling out or we'd go mad. Of course it hurts that this person will have contact with your children. I feel that way too and mine are grown ups. I hate the fact that she's in contact with my grand-children too. It makes me feel the odd one out in the family unit. I've done nothing wrong but i'm the one who feels bad. Sound familiar?
But if you listen to people talking about their childhood it's not the expensive toys and stuff they remember, it's the good times they had. Be the one who has time for them, who reads them a bedtime story when they are young, and who teaches them true values as they grow older. If you can be the one who is there for them when they need you then that is something than neither social position or money can buy.
You are a good person who wants her children to have the best, and the best thing you can do for them is give them lots of love and support. If you believe in yourself and and let them grow up with memories of you as a happy, confident, strong person then you will have given them something priceless.
We are all here for you when you need to unload stuff, and we all need to do that sometimes. It's not selfish, it's survival. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you need to chat
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Jae
(You can only reach for the future by letting go of the past)
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Hi independent. You have said something that really resounds. You feel 'negative' about your situation. I don't know how others can get past this but I have learned that thinking in 'negative' terms attracts more negativity. Conversely, thinking positively will attract more positive things towards you. It is a slow process. You really have to find the good things in the new situation and focus less on the things that make you feel bad. Jae's advice is so true and is part of the positive side of things that you now so clearly need to build on.
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wisp1
member
Reged: 14/09/2007
Posts: 113
Loc: Derbyshire
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In this situation it is very difficult not to compare yourself unfavourably, but remember, you are the one who is going to be there for your children on a daily basis, you are the one who will really share their lives, their disappointments and their successess. Your ex will only share them second hand.
A good upbringing does not depend on the amount of social standing you have or the amount of money you can afford to spend on the children. It depends on them learning true values, good manners and respect for other people. When my husband left I had very little money and had to work nights for several years in order to pay the mortgage. My children only had holidays when their father took them and he could afford to buy them expensive presents. In spite of that they are far closer to me that him, have grown up to be very popular young men, well mannered, polite and respectful. They help me look after my elderly mother and will always help friends with any problems. They are both in good jobs and own their own homes. I am very proud of my sons and proud of the way that I brought them up.
I am sure that you will be too. Life often seems hard and you can not see any way out of the situation, but you will get there and life will improve. You will discover strengths you never knew you had and will be proud of yourself for what you achieve. Accept the way you are feeling, its normal, then continue with your life, we are always here to support you if you need it.
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Flutterfly
member
Reged: 02/07/2008
Posts: 62
Loc: France and South Coast UK
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I completely agree with this. No amount of money in the world can ever be better than the true daily care and love of a parent who shares their lives each day. There are so very many small ways that will add up to you always being there for them, and making a difference. Sharing fun and sadness, good times and bad.
When I look back on the times I had with my children when they were young, despite living in relatively fortunate circumstances, it is all the things we did for free that were the most memorable and fun.
We lived near the coast and had beach days with picnics. Bike rides along a lovely trail that had once been a railway. Running on the downs with our dog when he was a puppy. Making funny hats for school parades and competitions. Putting noddy costumes together out of the dressing up box. Painting their faces as lady birds or zebra for a party... I could go on and on, but you don't need money to do any of this and we had such a wonderful times and have so many good memories.
Good luck to you wisp1, have faith in yourself!
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4425
Loc: South London
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Just to say I agree it is the time you spend with your children which is really important. I had lots of fun with my children cooking, planting and looking after vegetables, picnics in the park, visiting the library and choosing books together, having friends round to play, playing badminton in the garden together, hide and seek in the local woods, going fruit picking and making jam, sewing and knitting together, playing hopscotch. All these things don't cost much money, only time.
I was fortunate in that I had family nearby and we used to visit them as well. My children are both grownup now and when I ask them about their childhood they both say they felt really loved and it was a very happy time.
Believe in yourself, you sound a wonderful caring mum!
Foxie x.
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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independent
member
Reged: 14/10/2007
Posts: 176
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Thank you for all your good advice and support, I've tried to work on being positive and most of the time I am OK but my self belief is fragile, I keep my relationship with my ex OH as brief as possible which does help but he has this subtle knack of pressing the wrong buttons,In a funny way I think he expects me to be pleased that his life is going so well,I am feeling more positve this evening, I think this afternoons shopping spree helped as well.
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Flutterfly
member
Reged: 02/07/2008
Posts: 62
Loc: France and South Coast UK
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Foxie it sounds as if you gave them an idyllic childhood, and how fantastic that they too have such wonderful memories of it all. They were happy times and I for one, really miss those days.
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