need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Well ladies...not being one for airing my woes in public, I've put this off for ages but I know others have benefitted from the wonderful advice from other forumers so-here goes!
My OH and I are going through a VERY difficult patch at the moment. I have considered relate but he won't go and I feel it would be too one-sided if I went alone. The other problem is it's very expensive and it's money we can't really afford at the moment.
So, I was wondering, does anyone have any ideas, books anything really that could help? I know I haven't gone into detail about our problems (can't bring myself to!) but suffice to say we are both at fault and OH has kind of withdrawn from me so much that I can't seem to get through to him. We are both suffering, but while I am the "let's talk it through" type-he isn't. He just loses his temper! I would really appreciate any help or advice even though I realise I haven't given you much to go on! Thanks a lot 
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 5758
Loc: Billericay,Essex
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Hi ,Im not sure i have any answers but i know all too often men find it Difficult to involve another party.I think generally men have great difficulty in opening up.We will speak to our Lady friends at great length much to our partners dismay :-(
Hope someone can point you in right direction of a good Book.
Summer x
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pinkannie
member
Reged: 16/09/2007
Posts: 1125
Loc: switzerland
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I've pm'd you, need2know!
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Pinkannie
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 1621
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My friends went to relate and were advised to both read Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. Apparently it helps you each to see where the other person is coming from.
Good luck need2know.x
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 1891
Loc: France
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Hi,
I'm actually reading it at the moment-I think the biggest thing is if you can get other half to read it! Some of the things you will be aware of already but how to deal with them is important too
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HeadGirl
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 1868
Loc: Maidstone, Kent, England
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Hi need2know,
Relate do their own books. I'm sure they'll have a website, so there's maybe something on it that will be of interest.
I hope you find something to help you both.
Good luck.
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debenjane
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 592
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How horrible that you are both suffering so much. I don't know the answer ( probably wouldn't be divorced if I did ) but at least you are still trying really hard to sort it out. A friend of mine had trouble with her OH who wouldn't discuss anything about their failing marriage so in the end she sent him a letter. Very calmly she told him how upset she was that they dont talk and what she wanted from him and their marriage.
It gave him time to read it without getting angry or upset, gave him time to think about his answers because he said she always talked him into a corner, and it helped him to 'save face' as he could then write back and discuss his worries without seeming foolish. It worked for them.
It did actually kickstart a proper conversation and then they had something to work on.
Sending you good wishes. Be strong.
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Thanks everyone for your help and kind wishes (including those who PM'd). I think I have tried everything: have written a letter (didn't work!), have bought a marriage guidance type of book (was great but he would have to read it and I know for a fact he won't), have bought Men are from Mars for OH and ended up reading it myself and tried to talk to him but it always ends up in an argument.
The situation is really getting me down and tonight I broke down in tears which has kind of helped a bit. I asked if he still loved me and he said (in his usual jokey fashion) "a little bit" - which was better than I was expecting! So...onwards and upwards-I will keep you all posted about any developments. Thanks again for all of your help.
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3761
Loc: South Wales
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Need2know - no useful advice to offer just positive thoughts and a hug.
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Ladies...I really appreciate your support, thank you. Where else could I receive such kindness from people I don't even know? I can talk about a lot of things to my "real" friends-but some things are private so I tend to keep it to myself, but I am really glad I opened up to you all today. You have all been a great help-so thanks again you wonderful people X
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independent
member
Reged: 14/10/2007
Posts: 176
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The bbc website on relationships is good and the books already mentioned google words like resentment and negotiating etc it does offer ideas of how people feel in this situation.
I think it is just as important to listen in this process as well as talk, quite a good tip is to lay down some ground rules before you start, set a specific amount of time for discussion and don't go over the time. you should both have a turn without the other interrupting and a time to reflect on what the other has said, it is difficult and does need both parties to engage but would be worthwhile. good luck
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Thanks, independent. I'll take a look at the BBC website-didn't know it had that sort of thing on. Blame plays a big part in our arguments as anything I bring up is greeted with "and I suppose that's my fault"! It drives me mad! There is blame on both sides but as far as I am concerned it's immaterial, working out a solution is what we need to be doing, but we always get sidetracked into arguing so hopefully the beeb will show me how to approach this properly.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1985
Loc: Hampshire
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Hi need2know, sorry to hear you are going through this, I Know that Relate will see you alone but for a maximum of six weeks, to help you get some clarity on what you want to do.
Also one piece of advice I remember is to each of you sit down and allow each one in turn 15-20 mins to say how they feel, without blaming, accusing or interrupting your OH. Also begin conversations about this with i.e. I feel, (rather than "you make me feel") and I would like (rather "than you always"..etc) make these the rules before you have your talking session.
Take some time to think about what each other has said.
x G
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Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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need2know, staying with the same person for years on end can be very difficult indeed. I'm sure most of us have been through some bad patches in our marriage.
Are you sure you have to pay to go to Relate? I had always believed it was a charity and its services were free!
There is always the forum. If you choose to be more specific about the problems you are experiencing in your marriage, then at least you know you will find lots of support here if you ever need it.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1985
Loc: Hampshire
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Jane, Relate do charge, and it's quite high, but they will means test you if you are on benefits or a low income. As I've mentioned on another thread you pay several hundred pounds to train with them, while volunteering for them. Their waiting lists are quite long too, usually a few months.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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I can't offer any advice but just wanted to say I hope everything turns out for the best.
Chrissi
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jenny1
member
Reged: 30/08/2006
Posts: 122
Loc: Belfast
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Hi need2know
I read a book by Louise hay called The Power is within you. Although it is for helping'the reader' it brings your self esteem to a point where you take hold of your life. The point is that you must do it for yourself. The other party also has to do it for themselves.She gives lots of examples of how you behave can influence how the other person does. It was the start of an amazing journey for me.
After 21 yrs I ultimately left - but only for a few months as it turned out. My OH is not the talking kind either, but seeing my new 'feeling good' about myself - made him stop and think.
Take a deep breath and go for it girl!
Thnking ahout you and happy to talk.
Lol Jenny :
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need2know
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 295
Loc: Tyne and Wear
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Thanks everyone-I wish I hadn't suffered for so long before I posted my message as everyone has been wonderful. I feel really touched that people can be so kind, honestly.
Things are a little better between us today and we are going out on Thursday night to "talk", so fingers crossed and I will keep you all posted and thank you all once again-you are all totally brilliant!
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Good luck need2know. You are on a difficult journey and I think there are too many people out there who know what you are going through. I really hope this works out. The biggest problem I have found, and seems to ring true for everyone, is that men simply won't talk. Changes come about by action but you need to know what action to take. We are always there to support you.
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barb50
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 8
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Hello, I have just ready your note and really do sympathise. It can be very frustrating when the other party simply can't listen and take part in something which is obviously so painful for you. A couple of things spring to mind. If you work yourself is there an employee counselling service you could take up, even if it means going on your own, it may help to get it all off your chest and get some support. Also you could try and discuss what attracted you to each other in the first place and try and work on that.
How did the Thursday evening chat go? It sounds like things are slowly happening in the communication line. I guess it has to be a 2 way thing and it sounds like it is all coming from you. At the end of the day you need to think of your own happiness too and if it is making you unhappy you may have to walk away. I suppose a trial separation might spur him into action but I do hope it doesn't need to come to that. I really do wish you well.
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