neep
member
Reged: 17/01/2008
Posts: 7
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I've already posted this on the'lives' forum - guess family firsts might be better suited...
Loads of you out there will probably have experienced the same problem. I am in a second marriage - nearly 20 years ago my husband left his wife for me. To cut a long story short the kids are fine with me now but the eldest has just told her father she wants to get married and wants him to give her away. However....guess what's coming. She would like her mother to go to the ceremony and the start of the reception and me to join the party when it gets more crowded and noisy because her mother hates crowds etc.
I feel hurt - when she graduated I stayed at home while my husband went to her graduation with his ex - and it wasn't a brilliant experience!! Now this!
I'm inclined to say that she must do what she wants - after all its her day and I am thrilled for her, but at the same time I feel sad that she (nor my husband) will actually say that my place is there with him. We haven't quarrelled about it - I'm standing my ground and saying it's her day etc., but I just wanted to get it off my chest and ask if anyone else has had a similar experience.
Thanks for listening
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Iblinc
member
Reged: 04/08/2007
Posts: 218
Loc: France
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Hi Neep
Can I ask a few questions?
How old is the daughtger now?
Has her mother remarried?
Did the kids li9ve with you at all, or come on alternative weekends?
I can understand you feeling hurt, I would too, especially after her father being apart from her mother for 20 years. That is a long time.
I can understand her wanting her mother at the wedding ceremony and reception, BUT, you should be there as well, standing alongside your husband.
Yes it is her day, but I would stand my ground with them all, as you are his wife now, and have been for the past ?? years.
I am a step-mum too and am dreading the next big occasions in our kids' lives: engagements and weddings.
Sadly their natural mother walked out when children were babies, so my H raised them, and then I assisted when we met. BUT, natural mother kicks in to parenting roles whenever there is a special occasion, or to be seen and noticed. Apart from those functions, she's never there, seen or heard from.
Perhaps you need to have an open and honest discussion with your H and share your thoughts and feelings. From there, it's up to him to advise daughter what he wants as well.
Also, if he is paying for wedding, then he has a right to say, I want my wife beside me from start to finish.
Good luck; let us know what progresses. But don't get upset about it.
Oh the other thing regarding these special occasions, if she says this is how she wants it for her wedding, what is she going to do or want for arrival of children; Christenings; birthdays etc.etc. You can't be expected to stand aside for all of those, becuase you will be involved in grandchildren's lives etc.etc.
xx
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4425
Loc: South London
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Just to say I have been to several weddings where they have been step parents as well as bio parents present. No-one batted an eyelid, it was just nice to see so many parents all there celebrating the same event.
I would agree that your place is there too at the wedding. I don't understand why you haven't been invited. You have been married a long time now and are a permanent part of the family.
Foxie
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Hi Neep. I already put my oar in on the Your Lives section but I just want to add, the day is about your stepdaughter and 'her' family. I really feel, unless there are other reasons, that you should not be involved on that day.
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emptynest
member
Reged: 10/11/2007
Posts: 505
Loc: South Wales
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Hi Neep
I am also a step-mother and it is not easy. Your husband is quite lucky in one respect that he was able to go to her graduation as my husband wasn't invited. I was very annoyed and upset for him because we had supported her through here education.
My step-daughter got married last year and I was invited to the wedding but I think that was a lot to do with the fact that we paid a lot towards the cost of the wedding. It was a very tense occasion although it did go OK.
If your husband is anything like mine he is too scared of losing her to make a stand. I don't know how he would have reacted if I hadn't been invited but I wouldn't mind betting that he wouldn't have rocked the boat either.
Step families are never easy but I think it is important not to put too much weight to this decision and not let it affect you as a couple. The real mother always carries more influence no matter how close the daughter is to her father. It's crazy that my step daughter and her husband never stay with us overnight in case her mother gets upset.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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I have not been in the situation myself but I have seen first hand how much the first wife/mother continues to suffer long after the marriage has ended. Don't think 20 years, think 40, 50 or 60. It is like a pain that never goes away. Even though the rest of life carries on the child of that first marriage carries with them the proof that they were a family once and time does not seem to heal, only mask, the pain.
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neep
member
Reged: 17/01/2008
Posts: 7
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Hi
My stepdaughter is 31 - she actually left the family home with her father when the family split up because in those days she couldn't get on with her mother! This was in 1990
I'm not going to make a song and dance about it because it is her day.
We have been living together for 18 years and married for 10.
Thanks for your thoughts on the topic - it's my first attempt at the forum and I was surprised at how many replies I received.
I will let you know what happens....the wedding isn't until next year!
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Venitia
member
Reged: 01/07/2008
Posts: 28
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Hi Neep
I have just this minute become a member after viewing a few of the forums. Your post caught my eye and I wanted to respond. I too am a second wife with 2 SD weddings under my belt. Both weddings involved long haul flights and a weeks duration which obviously included ex-wife. You will surely be blessed if you do not attend!! Let them get on with it. I found that my husband was a completely different person ( as he always is) when in the ex-families company, and not someone that I particularly liked. Yes, it is your SD day and she should be able to have it her way which will no doubt mean playing happy families, excluding you, and doing her utmost to keep you separate from your husband. My advice would be to organise a lovely day for yourself with family or friends and offer your husband lots of tender loving care on his return as he will need it.
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nannyconnie
member
Reged: 05/03/2008
Posts: 491
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What a lovely reply Venitia,and although I have no first hand experience of step family life ,I can imagine,and I would hope I could be as gracious as you sound and I entirely agree with you.
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