legallyblonde
member
Reged: 19/05/2008
Posts: 7
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It seems like marriage is grinding to an end - could say unexpectely, but it's not really. typical modern story, husband working away from home, wife at home looking after home and children. Ironically now have everything in place for a financially secure future together, and thought we had plans to enjoy time together, when husband says he is fed up with everything including marriage. I think in my heart of heart we would be happier apart, but both of us are too cowardly to make the final statement. Kids are 16 and 14, not ideal ages, but then again is any age - I'm not scared of living on my own, as effectively have spent last 10 years as a single parent, but I am scared of having to make a new future, and don't really know where to begin or what to do. Don't know whether to make a new start in a new house/area/country or quite what to do. Have many acquaintances but my "best" friend lives many miles away and it is not always easy for us to get together with family commitments..would welcome words of comfort, advice from you out there,,,,,
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3291
Loc: South Wales
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Breaking up my marriage was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It takes a lot of strength and courage. But there is life afterwards - all those practical problems can be sorted. the most important thing is to reassure the children, if you do decide to split, that you are divorcing each other, not them.
But is there any chance of retrieving the situation - if you were able to get through this bad time and come out the other side, think how much stronger your relationship would be. there is something wonderful about seeing a couple grow old together.
Not sure I'm the best person to do marriage counselling...but my thoughts will be with you.
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legallyblonde
member
Reged: 19/05/2008
Posts: 7
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We did have a majopr wobble about 4 years agao and after a lot of talking and soulsearching we made it through that and we were I thought happier and stronger - however we seem to have somehow slid back to that situation and I don't know if I can stand another dreadful few months, with a calm for a couple of years only for it all to go pear-shaped again - perhaps i'm being negative...
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3291
Loc: South Wales
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Well, if you do decide to split, you then have to give priority to the children, to make the whole thing as untraumatic as possible for them. How would they feel about moving - changing schools, new friends? It might be better to stay in the same area at least until they finish school, just to give them some stability. One of my friends separated from her husband two years ago and her children are still distressed and torn - so much so that her 16 year old d. is atalking about leaving home to liv with her bf. (And this is a very well-behaved 16 year old, A* in every subject). On the other hand, when I got divorced, both my boys (then 10 and 12) told me that actually it wasn't any different from before.I got them involved in choosing where we would live - one chose the village, the other the house, and I talked to them about what was happening.
It is possible to recreate an independent life for yourself, but it is hard hard work, and it doesn't happen overnight. You need to be prepared for the downs as well as the ups - but enjoy the ups too. You also need good legal advice about how your split your property and finances.
Best wishes to you, however you decide.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1848
Loc: North East
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Oh sweetheart I do feel for you. It is a shock at first and takes time to adjust. I was told to be wary of irrational thoughts and actions, it's the shock. Oddly it took a couple of weeks of feeling I was ok before the irrational set in, then I was prepared so I got through it. I have to say that I did do the classic cutting up the suits routine. The children will cope, though mine were older I still went through the stages of telling them it was nothing they had done.
I was not able to see my ex after the break-up, but have always maintained that it was my relationnship with him that had ended, not theirs, and they have made their own choices about that. My only proviso was that I did not want details of him. Everyone, even my former daughter-in-law (who is one of my best friends) respected that. Time is a healer and I dont even bother too much about sticking to that anymore.
The divorce was my decision and I do enjoy the freedom, though at times it can be lonely but that too is my choice, after thirty three years I knew I needed time to be a mum to my youngest and time to find out who I was as a mature woman after the children left home.
If it had been possible I would have liked to have remained friends, I think our years together and our children deserved that. I hope you get the outcome you want, if you ever want to just rant on PM me, my sis did that for me, just listened didn't advise, it was all I needed. You will have some rough times ahead but also you will discover hidden strengths and that is a joy.
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debenjane
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 585
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I agree with Valaber on all points. It's so very hard to do but your heart tells you when the time should be.
This life on earth should be the best you can make it.
I feel deeply sad that my marriage to No. 1 OH didn't work but we are both happier now it's over. I hope to enjoy life with No.2 OH into my old age.
I am sending you best wishes and the strength to work through what will be a very hard time. You may seperate and get on better apart and remain friends which would be wonderful for the children. Godd luck. Keep us posted.
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buckup
member
Reged: 08/04/2008
Posts: 67
Loc: whitstable Kent
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I agree with Debenjane (We have been friends for 27 years!!)She and I have both been through leaving our long married OH. I left my OH 22 months ago (for another man) and have gone through hell emotionally because OH promptly had a nervious breakdown and so my guilt set in. I like you had spent a married life doing most things alone as his "hobbies" took all his time and family money. I agree with Debenjane your heart tells you when it's over and when you really have had enough. You sound as if you have decided that allready.Sadly my Oh wont be friends as it still upsets him so much but you sound as if you could easily still be friends. Good luck
Loads of good thoughts coming your way from me. You get courage when you really need i,tyou do honest
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buckup
member
Reged: 08/04/2008
Posts: 67
Loc: whitstable Kent
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PS. With my new fella ,I've moved to an area 30 mins from where I was so I Physically I knew the area but knew no one there. I've now met 4 women through this Forum and it's great. So find any which way you can to make your own friends. x
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 2132
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Its always sad when any marriage ends. I know I suffered deep grief when my first marriage ended, even though he was an arrogant pig who was definitely not my soulmate. Starting again is not easy, but sometimes it comes as such a relief to no longer have to please someone who you just cannot please, or who's whole demeanour creates an unsatisfactory atmosphere which can become unbearable. When I came out of the marriage after 12 years it was like a re-awakening. I'm not saying that was instant, it wasnt, but over the first few months I realised just how lucky I was to have left the marriage without major dramas, and with my little boy with me who was my reason for living. I was reborn and discovered just how confined I had become whilst married. There is life after marriage, you just have to promise yourself you are not going to shut yourself away. Get out there, evening classes, lunch or supper clubs (forum here is a good place to start), in fact anything where you will meet other people. Happily remarried I can only talk from experience, but I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone, and there is life after marriage. Good Luck. Keep us posted.
Vicky
xx
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feathers
member
Reged: 20/05/2007
Posts: 496
Loc: Tyneside
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Your husband sounds as if he is depressed, which isn't surprising if he spends so much time travelling and away from home. Try some couples counsellingn and see if you can't get back on track. Even if this doesn't work, you will have tried and they can also help you split up.
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LadyWillow
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 287
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Do you actually WANT to split up? Is there still some love, respect and friendship between you?
Whilst it must have been hard for you over the last ten years, it must have been equally hard for your husband - being the (perhaps sole) provider, working away so much, not having the opportunity to father his children fully, not being able to foster and enjoy the relationship with his wife fully. His life sounds like a rut.
He clearly wants his life to change - and who could blame him. You must want your life to change - and who could blame you. Can't your lives change together.
You say you think you'd both be happier apart - well sure, if the alternative is the life you currently have together, but isn't an other alternative to stay together and have drastic changes in your life which will reinject some excitement and interest into your relationship.
It's really easy to become lazy with relationships and slip into a dull rut .. . you can start living the life of people 20 or 30 years older than you (I know people just like that).
Does your husband love his job? Sounds like a job/career change might be in order. Working away from home is OK if it's for a short time ... ten years isn't ok, how can family life and your relationship thrive if he's hardly there?
Your words tell the story of people who have lost interst in each other. That can change - if you want it to. Do you? Or do you want it to be the end of the road?
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pinkannie
member
Reged: 16/09/2007
Posts: 1058
Loc: switzerland
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When I decided to put a stop to my marriage, it was after a lot of counselling. It was as Valaber says the hardest thing to decide, and do. But it was the start of a new life for me and my daughters who were very relieved, by the way. We all moved on. The terrible atmosphere was making all our lives bad. It was and in many ways still is very hard. But I've never ever regretted it.
I said some time ago on another thread, the counsellor told me that I'd know the right decision when I tried to imagine how I'd feel if he died. Would I truly miss him? It sounds awful to imagine but it helped me take the right decision, at the right time.
Thinking of you, good luck and keep in touch with us.
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Pinkannie
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SusiQ
member
Reged: 03/10/2006
Posts: 2939
Loc: Quarrata, Tuscany, Italy
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I have nothing different to add to the posts above, all full of wise advice. I left mine 14 years ago and we are not friends, he still wants to make all the decisions and play power games. I just don't let it get to me anymore.
Think long and hard, get counselling if that's your kind of thing, but remember that no-one really knows what you or he really really feel or want or need, so the best would be to talk to him, long and deep and hard.
hugs
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So long and thanks for all the fish
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Honeybun1
member
Reged: 18/05/2008
Posts: 10
Loc: Surrey / South West London bor...
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My heart goes out to you, you are in a really horrid place and making a very big decision.
You are getting lots of very good and sound advice from the forumistas.
My marriage ended 11 years ago - and it was the right decision for me - but not necessarily for my ex or my daughter.
My experience has taught me the following - which may or may not have any relevance for you at the moment:
Both of you really owe it to your children (and yourselves) to make sure you have given the subject deep thought and engaged in lots of soul-searching. Know why it isn't working - and be convinced that neither of you can get it to work again.
A marriage is far more than two people - it's children, in-laws, extended family and all the friends you have spent time with over your marriage. Ending it is not a one-off, it's a long, frequently painful process. It involves difficult conversations about unpopular subjects: pensions, wills, mortgages, maintenance, access to children and, at some stage, possibly new partners and their baggage.
If it really is right for you to separate, then please make your children your shared key focus - it can be really difficult for them to understand and accept - even if they may seem to, intellectually.
Life the other side can be scary - but also liberating and exciting! Am happy to be PM-ed if you would like someone to moan to!
Best of luck
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legallyblonde
member
Reged: 19/05/2008
Posts: 7
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The advice and commemts recieved have been great and I have read them several times and everyone has shown me things from a different point of view and there are issues mentioned that I hadn't quite got my head around. Yes, 10 years is a huge time to spend apart and it is no surprise that we lead separate lives - and we do have a chance now to lead a life together and I suppose one or both of us must have the courage to say what we are really feeling and then see what we both feel the future holds for us. I have also decided that I am going to go for counselling, firstly on my own as I think I have some self-esteem issue that I need to sort out also. I also dread to think of the effect a marriage breakdup could have on the children who are at vulnerable ages - although it seems that any age is a difficult age to go through something like this. Thank you all so much for your help and support..
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 2132
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Legallyblonde I think we all know our own hearts. Go with your instinct, you know, deep down, what is right for you and your family.
I wish you luck.
Vicks xxxx
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PaulineB
member
Reged: 22/06/2008
Posts: 1
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My marriage ended in 2006 after 21 years of marriage. We were high school sweethearts and best friends. So I thought. Without any warning he calmly sat on our bed and said he didn't love me anymore and within an hour he was gone. Since then he's forced the sale of our home making me and our two girls homeless. We were forced to rent a run down flat where I slept in the kitchen to give my girls (20 and 18) a room of their own. Through bad legal advice and sheer poverty I agreed to give him the full sale of our home (£210,000) because I couldn't afford to fight him so he would clear matrimonial debts. As a result I banked a divorce settlement of £3000. It's been a hard 2 years and I think his legacy is that I will never trust a man again. Me and the girls have shed lots of tears but I believe we are now at the stage where we are ready for a new start. I'm 44 this year and want a new style. I want to write a book on surviving betrayal and start my own hand made card business. I now believe that I have a future to face with a smile. Good luck to any woman who's soul-mate turns out to be the cheating, money grabbing low-life mine did. Best advice is 'keep going girl'.
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Susan_Scripture
member
Reged: 22/05/2008
Posts: 222
Loc: Grove Park, SE London
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Been there twice - and am now very happily married to No 3. No marriage is ever entered into on the "I hope it will work out" - you put your heart and soul out there and intimacy is not just sexual, it's emotional, too. It's easy to echo what everyone else above has said (it's all really good advice) but one thing I would like to add is that if you both want to make it work, then really try to do so. My first marriage broke down because of the really big things, domestic violence and sexual abuse of my then, 3 year old daughter. It wasn't easy, I left with 3 broken ribs, 2 children and literally not a penny. He'd taken it all out of the joint account and had removed all the food from the house. He'd also done some pretty psycho things like burning my diaries and love letters from a previous relationship. I became so downtrodden at that time that I really believed I deserved to be ill treated. Now I am a different, happy, confident SURVIVOR (as are my kids). The main thing to remember is that you can walk away with nothing but the clothes on your back, lose your home and your friends if you are relocated and do NOT want to be found by your ex, but you walk away with the opportunity to change. You can also stay in the situation and change it. Whatever you choose, if it is at all possible, talk to your soon to be ex and try to make it as civilised for the children as possible. One thing I have tried to do (and failed, but not as often as I could have) is to not speak badly of their father in front of the children. My situation first time round was obviously very different to yours (*thank heavens, lol) but the children have no choice in this matter. Make it as easy and as dignified for you all as you can. My heart and love goes with you, pm me if you want (anyone). Loneliness is not the same as being alone. I was more lonely in my first two marriages than I ever was when I was officially on my own!!
xxxSuexxx
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 1466
Loc: France
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I can't add anythng from experience but wanted to say what a brave lot you all are. I can't imagine coming out of a marriage and feeling as strong and inspiring as you sound!
Well done and good luck to you and your choices.
Legally blonde-hope you make the right choices for you and the children
xx
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