suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 113
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 Hello. I moved in with 3rd Husband after 2 previous disastrous marriages when i lost evrything including children. I now have youngest, disabled son with us. My problem is that my husband, a batchelor until aged 55, likes to do garden, housework etc his way as he has always done, when he is in the mood etc. He retired years ago aged 50. I feel completely useless and just look after son and then try to find other things to do.He has a nap every afternoon and is usually in bed early, no sexlife for years. What am i to to do, i feel like a spare part when son isnt home. Best wishes to everyone!
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 1326
Loc: runcorn
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When he married you he was making a commitment that there was someone else in his life. And that when you live together you have to make compromises. Men can be more selfish than women in my experience and he is being selfish if he doesn't meet you half way. You need to feel that you are a partnership in this marriage/home.
Have you tried speaking to him? Do you still love him? Is he happy? If this is the way he has been for years, then he won't change until he's pushed to do so.
Your son is a non-negotiable, everything else has a choice attached to it.
Love and hugs
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 113
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My Husband has a sister, married, who he is very close too. I cant even cook for him anymore, rarely anyway. He is a gentleman, very polite and does the right thing for people. He is very kind. He just wants evrything his own way in his house. He is very fussy aboutcleanliness.My son is not negotiable. My Husband does not want him here but he accepts that he must stay for the present.I am having counselling for Post Traumatic Stress and he has stuck by me, like a friend often does. I feel less of a wife and more of a friend now. I am veryfond of him. I loved him but this feeling seems to be changing. I was told his sister would always come first and she is number 1 for him. I think i must accept this, because i must keep a stable home for my son. My Husband would not end the marriage because he doesnt want to lose his house, which he says he might have to do if we ever split up.Yes, i think i feel more like a friend now.Best wishes to you all.x
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Sweet_Pea
member
Reged: 25/08/2008
Posts: 1641
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Hi suejane, what a sad situation to find yourself in. I don't know what to suggest - only you know whether you're prepared to settle for friendship. How old is your son?
I imagine that any man who has lived on his own for 55 yrs is going to be set in his ways - how long have you been together? I may be out of line here, but why is he putting his sister first, and why is she letting him?
Sending you a hug too, hope things get better.
Sweetpeasue
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3761
Loc: South Wales
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suejane, you don't say how long you have been married, but as the others have said, when he married you he made a commitment to you and you should come first before his sister or anyone else. I guess from what you say that you have talked about splitting up? Have you just stayed together because of the house?
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 113
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I have been married to him for 7 years. His sister is non negotiable, he looks after her business interests here, not as much but family business anyway.She lives abroad and he has always been very close to her, she is married for years.I am grateful just for support at moment, really grateful. I have no answers and must decide what to do when son eventually leaves. My Husband is very popular with the ladies and has friends everywhere. Bless you all, im so sad.x
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4425
Loc: South London
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Hi and very sorry to read your post.
Obviously I don't know all the ins and outs of your life, but if you don't want to / can't leave the relationship you need to change things. I get the impression that your son is not there all the time, is he at school? Can you make some sort of life for yourself?
I don't know where you live or what your interests are, or what your financial position is, so please forgive me if some of these ideas seem crass. Can you join a library, or local walking club or day or evening class, volunteer in a charity shop, be a helper in your local school?
My other suggestion is that you try to rebuild some relationship with your OH. Do you share his interest in gardens? can you go to a garden centre or local garden together?
Your post sounds so very sad and I am sorry you say you have 'lost' your children. I don't want to pry but is there any chance that you can make contact?
Sending you best wishes
Foxie x. 
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2798
Loc: Leicestershire
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Suejane,
But in talking to him it may be help, if he is the kind man you describe, to tell him that half this marriage is yours! And that you don't have a role in it!
Ask him what he thought marriage would be, when he entered it, and how those expectations have changed, if they have.This may get him talking.It seems to me that there is no open communication in this relationship.
Sometimes a good way forward is for one person to be allowed 15 mins to speak and the other person is not allowed to interrupt.then it will be the other person's
turn. If you can both speak without fear of being interrupted, you may both listen to each other.
why is he going to bed so early.Does he fee lonely too?
Let me know what you think to all of this.
Kate.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Ashbee
member
Reged: 13/06/2008
Posts: 1123
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Suejane - do you know why he married you? We tend to think that men want us for our bedroom skills or our housekeeping/cooking skills or to have someone to make a fuss over/be fussed over by or as a companion but not sure you fit any of these descriptions...would be interesting to know...and, what did you expect when you married him?
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 1326
Loc: runcorn
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Just reading Foxies comments on getting out of the house and doing other things seems like a good idea. It will give you some focus, you'll met other people and eveything we do has an impact somewhere. Like they always say 'If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got'. Try making just small changes at first.
And Kate 1's idea of allowing uninterrupted talking time sounds good too, if you can get him to go for it. There must have been love and sex at some point, there's always the chance to get some of the love back.
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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xxxSummerxxx
member
Reged: 29/03/2008
Posts: 5731
Loc: Billericay,Essex
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Hello,
I can imagine how "lonely" you can feel at times :-(
Perhaps you could try some activities outside the home ? THeres nearly always a Supperclub that you could join in your area.I understand joining one may not solve your situation at home but it would be a way of making Friends some of whom maybe in a very similar situation to you ...
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aberdeenlass
member
Reged: 08/10/2008
Posts: 4
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Hello there,
I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling suejane having never been married and don't have any children.
However, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and hope that your situation improves somewhat in the near future.
The other ladies on this forum have some good advice for you.
Have you thought about going to see your doctor? I am going through some major issues at the moment and have found my doctor extremely helpful.
All the very best and keep in touch with the forum - it appears to be your way of release.
Take care.
xx
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upsadaisy
member
Reged: 17/08/2008
Posts: 215
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Hi Suejane, sounds like he hasn't altered much at all since you married, The ladies have given you some sound advice you can pick the bits that feel right for you.I read a book recently Why men love biches, sounds strange I know,but could possibly give you another angle on it,one of the theoried is we have to spell it out clearly for men, also as women we can sometimes give up everything of our own to "give all to the marriage?" this can make us, too easily available, so from being someone with a full life and many interests, to a dogsbody, and boring,could you perhaps get more invoved with your sons , school or centre, become a little bit more "interesting"not saying your not, might make him more curious in you and your life
Upsadaisy
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2798
Loc: Leicestershire
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I don't think, at this time, she needs to pursue things outside the marriage, unless she's addressing things within it at the same time.
This marriage needs sorting, and going out, even to meet people in the same situation, is, in my mind, running away at worst, and papering over the cracks at best.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Suejane your husband is acting like this because you allow him to do so. If you want more from him you have to demand it in any way that you can. I would start expecting more from him, and start getting out and about. Good luck with trying to communicate - that is the hardest bit.
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 113
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Thankyou all for being so supportive.I will try as much as i can to be more interesting, my husband is ex Cambridge and he is very bright,he gets fed up with my son being here, he wants to do things with me but we are caring for son at the moment. He married me because he loved my spirit, which is still there, so maybe we will try to talk. He isnt really into deep thoughts on love etc. I think he loved someone years ago but she left him.He blames alot on Public School, very repressed!I shall battle on.I will try to be myself and hope his sister will stop interfering. Yes, you are right, i must put my point across.Thankyou for taking time to write to me and i hope i can be of some use to all of you sometime!
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Mollymandy
member
Reged: 01/08/2008
Posts: 1024
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It seems as though he married you for your spirit and then spent ensuing years in trying to squash your spirit. Refusing sex is grounds for unreasonable behaviour and divorce - worth throwing into the equation to see his reaction. He seems to be selfish in the extreme, although 55 is very late to get married - but marry you he did, and this encompasses commitment and giving as well as taking.
Your son is an important part of your life, but going away to school/college soon will give you and your husband more time together - perhaps a short break somewhere neutral where you can really talk to each other.
Good luck and big hugs.
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Suejane. Don't forget that you are still the same person you were before you met him. If he has changed you should not do what all women do and blame yourself. Don't listen to the "it takes two" argument. Sometimes some people can wreck things all by themselves. Please remember the person you really are and bring her back to the surface.
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 113
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Thanks for being there. I am trying to make myown life, im trying to go back to my studies again and be the person i once was before, naivelly, i got mixed up with relationships that never seem to work.Bless you all for being there and i will continue to care for my son, who is so needing his mum at the moment, and allow my Husband to live as he wishes. I have no money and nowhere else to go, but this may change when or if my son moves on.I do not blame myself entirely, my Husband has simply gone back to his batchelor ways, he says women enjoy him looking at them, (work that out if you can!)He remains basically kind and a gentlman in many ways,i will hang onto the positive bits and see how things go for my son.xx
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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Hi SueJane, you sound as though you're being very strong over this. One thing I've always found with my OH is demanding just makes him more determined to do as he wishes but very, very gentle suggestion ends up with him thinking it was his idea in the first place. Whatever happens, look after yourself and your son first - it's very easy to slip into a pattern and if your OH sees your old self reappearing he may realise what he's missing through his batchelor habits. Good luck x
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