AngieV
member
Reged: 13/01/2008
Posts: 98
Loc: West Yorkshire
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Didn't think this would be so difficult but here goes:
OH and I are on leave from work this week and on Monday we had the mother of all arguments. It was the worst ever ! Some of the things that came from me was a shocked but I was mortified at what OH said. I was so upset and angry that I took myself out of the way to the spare room t 5.20 and didn't surface until the next morning. We were supposed to go to BIL on Tuesday but I refused to go and told OH I didn't want to spend any time with him as I was still angry and upset so he went on his own. Well since then he's acted like I was a toddler having a tantrum and basically ignored it, we've spent very little time together (he's not been up before lunchtime) and hardly spoken; I've been sleeping in the spare room since.
I've tried to talk to him about the argument and how it got to that stage and he just says "well, it's not like I hit you" and that's all. I want to sort things out as the idea of feeling like this for the next twenty years and into retirement is not what I want. The argument was over how he'd spoken to someone on the phone when he'd been left on hold for 10 mins while the recorded message told him how important his call was. He was way out of order and if I'd told him someone at work had spoken to me in that way he'd have gone ballistic but he didn't see anything wrong. It sounds petty, I know but there's so much more to it but don't want to bore you with details.
So, do I also act like nothing happened ? Do I persue it or what ? Any suggestions ? 
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 1330
Loc: runcorn
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'There's so much more to it....'. An argument over something seemingly trivial usually has a sub text to it. Is this way of speaking to people usual for him, does he do it to you in some way?
I wouldn't waste time persuing it now. You've made your point and going on about it won't help. I think it's one of the fundamental differences between women and men - women talk and men shut down on the whole. It would be better if he could discuss it with you, but it doesn't look as if it's going to happen. He probably has taken on board some of what you said, but wouldn't admit that you are right.
I think it's probably best based on what you have said to both agree to disagree otherwise it'll be Ice Srtation Zebra at you house for a while.
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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The simplest thing is to apologise (cross your fingers behind your back if you need to) and get back in your own bed tonight as though nothing has happened. Someone has to be the first to give in and most men seem to be able to carry a grudge far longer than we would especially when they know they're wrong. Give it time (until he's forgotten about the row) and then tackle the real causes of the argument one at a time in a way that he thinks he brought the subject up.
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JustJulesy
member
Reged: 16/10/2008
Posts: 234
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Hi AngieV - got exactly the same problem myself and it's a month now since our latest row and I can't snap out of it. Our's is mainly about how he speaks to me and also our 21 year old son in front of people. Part of me wants to sort it out but I really can't be bothered for some reason, been there, done that, got the T-shirt....I know I've got to sort it sometime but haven't got the energy at the moment. My best friend has a brain tumour and is being operated on next week so it sort of puts everything in perspective and I think why do I have to put up with all this when there are far more important things going on. I hope you get your problem sorted as soon as possible because it's horrible living like this and if your relationship is usually okay, I'd forgive and move on. Life's too short.
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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My OH's in a grump at the moment and it's all because he knows I was right about something but he was certain I was wrong. I daren't say "told you so" but I sooooo want to! I know I was right but also that the quickest way to get him out of his mood is not to say so!
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Tydfilgirl
member
Reged: 08/10/2008
Posts: 268
Loc: Wiltshire
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Oh, it's so hard! But at the end of the day its probably best for you to follow Chrissifis advice and cross those figers behind your back. You are suffering too here and life is too short. I am sure he will have taken onboard what you said but being male won't admit it. Try and clear the air for your benefit if nothing else!
Good luck!
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Happywanderer
member
Reged: 24/10/2007
Posts: 290
Loc: UK
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Marriage/partnership is tough sometimes isnt it!?!
As time goes on, my OH seems to be getting less and less patient with the little annoyances in life. He also seems to be speaking to people more and more rudely. I usually nip it in the bud when he speaks to me badly but it doesnt stop him being revolting to his own mother - belittling in the way he answers her questions and also our children. Most of our arguments are about our parenting style, I feel his manner when criticising the kids is damaging to their self esteem. He believes it will 'toughen them up' & that I am too soft with them. 
We certainly have had some massive arguments & they have taken a few days to blow over. None of that - dont let the sun go down on an argument in this house, we're usually still too het up. Almost always I am first to apologise but then I will try & give my reasons for not understanding his point of view. Then I'll listen to his side & more often than not we'll still agree to disagree but we'll have more understanding where each other is coming from.
I dont think you'll be able to move on properly from this "mother of all arguments" until someone makes the first move & apologises, unfortunately it may have to be you first.
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BettyRubble
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 437
Loc: South west France
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"He believes it will 'toughen them up' & that I am too soft with them."
Would you're husband like to meet me ? He can witness then first hand the product of that sort of 'love'. It has taken nearly forty five years for me to finally stand up and say that I am good enough for this world - and the reason - a father who believed that if you belittled and bullied your kids they wouldn't grow up too big headed and 'tough' enough to take on the world.
It doesn't work, it just produces low self esteem that takes you places you really wouldn't want your kids to go.
Do I seem angry - you bet - suggest to your husband that if he wants a relationship with his kids when they're adults that he changes his ways.
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AngieV
member
Reged: 13/01/2008
Posts: 98
Loc: West Yorkshire
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Hi Ladies
Well, lots of advice but I have been there, done that and got so many t-shirts I could open a shop. I am always the one to apologies first, always the first to back down and end up always feeling taken for granted but this time I can't let it go after he threatened to hit me.
We've been together for 24 years and as far as he's concerned he works hard, gets home around 6.45pm and he's tired so everything else is my responsibility as I only work part time. He doesn't do housework (well, he washes up on the odd occasion, the last being 5 weeks ago), has never cooked a meal, doesn't walk the dog, the garden is my responsibility and if anything goes wrong in the house I am the one to sort it out. As well as working part time I also do the washing, cleaning and shopping for my Step-dad who is disabled as well as sorting out his finances/paperwork.
I find myself in a position like After8 where I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. My dad died in September and I've had to clear his house, sort out the paperwork, arrange the funeral and now I'm trying to sell his house. All with no support from OH.
Good job I don't expect much cos that's just what I'm getting. I've tried to talk to him again and he just tells me he's tired and works hard so that I can give up work, we can have a comfortable retirement, money in the bank but these are all things I haven't asked for nor have we discussed them.
I know I will end up letting it go because I can only bang my head against the wall for so long.
Hope you all have a good weekend. :-) xx
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Not responding to your questions is a form of stonewalling that men are really good at. It is very cruel and is intended to demean you. My advice would be to get back to normal as quickly as possible. I personally would not be able to apologise unless I meant it and in your case I cannot see that an apology is necessary. I would just offer him a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and if he takes it, then carry on as normal. The underlying tensions will have to take a back seat until the next fracas. Good luck. x
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Happywanderer
member
Reged: 24/10/2007
Posts: 290
Loc: UK
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Hope you are having an all right weekend too AngieV - although it must be difficult with so much tension in the air.
I'm sorry you find yourself with such an unsupportive and non communicative partner. Not sure what the solution is to sort this out, perhaps apologising will just put you right back where you always are & if you want things to change something more drastic might be required.
I can understand if you feel resentful of having to do absolutely everything around the home plus sorting out your father's affairs and caring for your step-Dad with no help from OH.
I'm afraid all I can offer is a hug (())
Take care & hope the forum helps in some small way to find the answers you're looking for.
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 1330
Loc: runcorn
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Just curious, and you certainly don't have to feel any obligation to answer such a personal question, but - if you had plenty of money of your own, would you stay with him?
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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Lash
member
Reged: 09/03/2008
Posts: 35
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you sound so angry and unable to forgive him so I am guessing this is not a new situation, its just the latest episode.
have you thought of moving into the house that is for sale? if you could afford to live in it with just your wages coming in it would give you a bolt hole. Maybe your absence would be noticed when there was no meal, no clean clothes, and no you on demand when he came home tired and needy.
I don't think you would be gone long before he understood that you too have the right to a life of your own, no matter how many hours of "paid" work you do...
use the free time to do things you never have time for, going to the movies, night classes etc. it would show you both that you do not need him... that will be more shocking to him than anything else, as he quite clearly needs you to do everything for him.
good luck whatever you decide to do.
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BC41
member
Reged: 05/11/2006
Posts: 226
Loc: England
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Hi AngieV
He threatened to hit you?
Bury him under the patio and plead insanity.
Joke.
I know how it feels to constantly let things go. Eventually it just makes you feel weary, and you start dying inside.
You feel mentally exhausted, and you feel like it must be your fault, so you say 'sorry' through gritted teeth.
I apologise if I'm putting the wrong words here, but am I far off the mark?
BC
xxx
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AngieV
member
Reged: 13/01/2008
Posts: 98
Loc: West Yorkshire
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Well Ladies, here's a first - he's apologised !  Said he was totally out of order and that for the last couple (!?) of months he's been really stressed (and I've not ?) and feeling under a great deal of pressure from work, and he knows he's been taking it out on me. 
That's something anyway. I've calmed down and things are back to "normal" thought I'm still feeling pretty much as your describe BC40 (patio idea sounds good). As to if I could afford to leave would I still be with him; yep though the thought of moving into dad's house wasn't far from my mind last week.
I'm not sure where we go from here but I intend to use MY time for ME - first being a meal out with a girlfriend next week.  
Thanks to you all for your support, suggestions and opinions. :-)
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