Linby
member
Reged: 30/07/2008
Posts: 1006
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Last night I said no for the first time in a long time to my only D who is 30 years old. I feel she only ring's me when she want's something. She never ring's me to ask if I'm ok only when she needs a favour. The last time she came to our home was in January this year and she lives 5 miles away. She has her own business but she has two days a week off and in the week she finishes early.I go to see her every week. I have run about after her all her life as mum's do, but lakely I feel I have been taken for granted. I wont go into what has happened but she has just had two days off and wrang me last night to ask me to do a job for her today. ( not an easy job) and this should have been done Sunday. At first I said ok like I always do then thought about it. OH made me understand that I am at her beck and call so I rang her back (she was on answerphone yet again) and told her I thought the job was too much for me to do on my own, but offered to meet her there and we could do it together, she TEXT me back and said she will do it tonight and not to bother. All day I have felt guilty because I have said no and have just thought how daft I have been.We have a good relationship most of the time but since we had that blow up with her partner (which I still cannot forgive him ) we never talk about him which can be a bit difficult. Normally now we are planning Christmas what we are doing but this is not mentioned. I know she wont come here Christmas day which she has never missed and this is so upseting me, I am dredding Christmas I have MIL coming so it will be just us three when I have had such happy Christmas's.
Sorry to sound down,normaly I am so good at giving other people advice but cannot give myself any, do I wait for her to ring me (I normally ring her) and see how long it will be before she asks for yet another favour.
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Jenniferpl
member
Reged: 15/04/2008
Posts: 582
Loc: South East London
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Hi Linby
I am sorry that you feel down, but, you do know that you did the right thing, if someone, even a child only calls whan they want something the relationship isn't on an equal footing. If you can try and talk to your daughter about how you feel. If you are really worried that she isn't going to come for Christmas, why don't you and your OH take your selves off for the festivitees and make some new traditions? I expect that if the choice is you going away and her being on her own, she will want to spend christmas with you.
I hope it all works out in the end
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 Jennifer
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Tydfilgirl
member
Reged: 08/10/2008
Posts: 268
Loc: Wiltshire
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Daughters bless! I think I will go and ring my Mum so she cant say the same about me.
Give yours a couple of days and she will be on the phone, its just been a shock to her for you not to comply with her demands.
Hope it all works out ok
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sioned
member
Reged: 31/03/2008
Posts: 82
Loc: North Wales Coast
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Hi Linby, I think you did the right thing.
My OH and I have 6 children between us, and lately we have started to say "No sorry"
They all drive, (dads bought them all a car and is the one who pays all car repairs mots and tax etc) But we hardly ever see them, they only ring when, they need car repair, money for Mot or tax etc. OH calls himself Mr Bank!
They seem to think we got no lives of our own and are only there to help them.
We have decided now to say No sorry, even if we suggest waiting a few days or advise them they seem surprised that we dont drop everything to rush over and sort it out for them immediately.
I feel disappointed that they dont appreciate how much we have done, and understand that there comes a time to try and stand on your own two feet.
It would be lovely if they just rang to see how we are, or come over for a coffee with no hidden agenda!
Thinking of you X
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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Linby, I think you've done the right thing. If she only calls when she wants something that's not fair on you. She's grown up and has to take responsibility for her own life. If you'd carried on saying 'yes' everytime you'd still be doing the same in 20 years time.
Good on you! I'd also wait for her to call...
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 1330
Loc: runcorn
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Well done. I lost my mother when I was 29 and at that point I felt it was my role to do things for her. And yes I was running a business, fortunately at that time I was down to about 80 hours a week, working 6-7 days a week and some very odd hours.
She should be looking after you and doing jobs for you!
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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Linby
member
Reged: 30/07/2008
Posts: 1006
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Thankyou so much for your support and guidance ladies I have taken them all on board xx
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suejane
member
Reged: 04/10/2008
Posts: 114
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I think you did the right thing. My daughters never ever spend Christmas with me but with their Dads family and i am always expected to go to see them, not them come to seeme. I think there is only so much of this you can take but in my case i always lose because their Dads were abusive to me and passed on thier attitudes to the girls.I send very best wishes to you.x
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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It sounds like you are going through a change Linby. I am sure that this is for the best. You cannot be taken for granted like that. Hopefully your daughter will be there for christmas, but if she is not, then make sure it is nice for yourself and the others.
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lovelylady56
member
Reged: 28/10/2008
Posts: 64
Loc: Midlands
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Good for you saying no. At 30 she is an independant person, and she should be helping you out not the other way round. Stick to your guns, and carry on the same way.
Good luck
Lovely Lady.
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