Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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My eleven year old son is being bullied at school.
He started secondary school a few weeks ago in September. Everything was going swimmingly (or so I thought) until I noticed that he kept coming out of school with wet hair. I also began to notice that everything in his sports bag was wet and even the bag itself was sopping wet! When I questioned my son about this a couple of weeks ago he broke down and told me that a boy from the year above had been pushing him in the shower and throwing his sports bag and all his kit into the shower. This had been happening on a daily basis, which meant my son often had to play sports in wet sports kit.
I phoned the school office to complain the next day and was advised to talk to Matron as she is responsible for pastoral care for my son’s year. To cut a long story short I actually went in to see her and after I explained the problem she assured me it would not happen again. The bullying stopped for a few days and my son came home happy and I thought it was all over. But last Friday it happened again, and this time my son was deeply upset and said he didn’t want to go back to the school ever again.
The next day I called Matron to explain the situation, she was very understanding and sympathetic and assured me that they would do all they could to stop the situation. She also told me that by way of a solution, my son had been asked to leave his sports bag in her office every day until they sorted the problem out (something he did not tell me). She also told me that the bully had not been approached directly as she didn’t feel there was enough evidence against him, instead his whole year were given a lecture on how to behave and it was also mentioned that there had been some silly incidences in the changing rooms etc. When I suggested that some stronger action would now be required to stop this boy, she agreed but said it would be very difficult as she was not allowed in the boys changing rooms. She then went on to say that the boys were left to their own devices in the changing rooms, and that the Sports teachers NEVER go into the boys changing rooms. (I had heard this before from other astonished parents who have had problems in the past).
After I put the phone down from Matron I felt deeply concerned and upset that there appeared to be no solution. Why could they not approach this boy directly now that the situation had obviously got out of hand? Why couln't they ask the boys in my sons year what had happened, after all my son had plenty of witnesses? 
After I calmed down a bit, I called the deputy Head Master to express my concerns. To his credit he was fully aware of the situation (so Matron must have told him), but I did not like his response to the situation. When I asked him about the schools anti bullying policies and what they could do to ensure that this didn’t happen again, I was told that my son should put his complaint in writing – they would then ask the other boy to do the same, and then they would deal with the situation accordingly. He also thought it was a good idea that my son should continue to leave his sports bag in Matrons room. I then told the deputypolitely (but in no uncertain terms) that I thought the solution he offered was unsatisfactory. Why can’t they just talk to the boy and find out what is going on? Why does my son have to write a letter? Why can’t they just talk to him? Why is my son being made to feel excluded by putting his bag in Matrons room? 
I told the deputy that I was most unhappy with the situation and felt strongly that my son’s education and general well being were being put in jeopardy because of this boy’s actions. Why can't they get the boy's in a room and talk to them? What is going on? Why do we live in a world where we are frightened of the bully?
My husband thinks my son should just bop this boy on the nose and put him in his place, but I want things done properly but I don't feel I am getting the support.
I am normally a very calm, controlled person, but if my son comes out of school today with wet hair I will see RED!! I really hope this doesn’t happen but the Deputy did not inspire confidence. In fact I felt he was quite dismissive.
If my son comes out today I will have to go in and see the Head Master!! What choice would I have? Why does nobody want to know?
Got any tips or advice for me please because I'm if it happens again I will be absolutely LIVID!!!!! 
Sorry to go on.
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 1891
Loc: France
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Well, for what it's worth I think you have done the right thing so far. You really have to remain calm so your son doesn't worry about telling you and making you angry. I know you are not angry with him but make sure he does too!!
I'd be heartbroken if it was my children you must feel like going and 'bopping' the boy yourself-I know I would!! Have you asked your son why he hasn't defended himself-is the other boy always alone or with a group, is he much bigger. I would suggest that as it has gone on this long your son should be able to defend himself and shouldn't be made to feel guilty for doing so. Does your son know any older boys at th school who could look out for him-I don't mean in a vigilante way but just so the bully knows!
I hope you get it sorted Jane as soon as possible.
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bunnygirl
member
Reged: 30/08/2008
Posts: 396
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Schools have a duty of care towards their pupils and they should have an anti bullying policy. You could ask to see this. Next step is definately the head and you could also threaten to take it to the board of gosvenors if no action is taken. If anything physical happens to your son you can report it to the police as an assault.
This is how bullies get away with things when the responsible adults take no action. In my job we see too often the results of bullying that has been allowed to carry on.
Bunnygirl
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Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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Hi Beau, thanks for saying I have done the right thing, to be honest I am finding the whole thing very upsetting.
I understand from my son that this boy is often on his own as he is usually the last one to get dressed in his year. I think my son hasn't retaliated because he knows he could get into serious trouble for doing such a thing. I also think he is feeling very vulnerable because he has only just started with the school. My son tells me that when the boy throws his stuff in the shower, he does it in a jokey kind of way and when my son asks him to stop the boy just ignores him.
My son is quite a strapping lad and I know it is only a matter of time before he gives this guy a good hiding and in some ways that's what I'm worried about. I have told him that he must not get into a fight with this boy and that if any trouble arises then he should go and tell a teacher but he won't. But if the school don't help, what is he to do?
I think asking him to write a letter and making him put his bag in Matrons office when he's only been there a few weeks is disgusting! What kind of a solution is that?
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Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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Bunnygirl, Yes, I think it would be a really good idea to look at the schools anti-bullying policy. I seriously hope I don't have to take it as far as the Head Master or the school governors, but if my son comes out of school today and the same thing has happened, I will have to do something. I don’t relish the thought I must admit!
I'm not being unreasonable to expect them to do something am I?
Is it just me or is the manner in which they've treated this incident so far outrageous?
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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It is a disgrace that no-one will help you properly in this matter. My daughter was bullied by girls in her primary school who did not see that the way they were treating her in any way amounted to bullying. I wanted to wade in and sort them out myself but my daughter was worried that it would only make the matter worse. I then told her that she should stand up for herself and I would support her in whatever way she wanted to. It all stopped suddenly though when one of the mothers of the bullies got to hear about it and contacted me to apologise and promise that it would not happen again. The girl had a brother who had been bullied and the whole family had been in a state about it - so how did she become one herself? Do anything you can that will help your son. Has he got friends in the class? Can they tell their parents? Can the boy's parents be indirectly informed. I will never forget the horror of the parents when they discovered their daughter was bullying mine. Let's hope this boy's parents would feel the same.
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k8tie
member
Reged: 20/09/2008
Posts: 225
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Jane, do you know the boy's family?...if so you could speak to them directly. If not, push on the matter of a bullying policy...all state schools must have one....if your son goes to a private school, then they do not have to adhere to anything at all,and the matter will be down to the head on how to deal with it.
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Cowleygirl
member
Reged: 02/09/2006
Posts: 91
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I fully sympathise, Jane. We had a similar, though less serious situation last year with our daughter. I contacted the school on at least three occasions,over a period of time, and very little was done. Eventually, my husband DEMANDED action from the Deputy. He was very supportive, and dealt with the situation. I felt quite angry, however, since I feel that I {AFEMALE} had not been taken seriously. Iam a teacher myself, though not at the same school, and I do have a fair bit of experience of how big secondary schools operate. I would advise the following.
Make sure that you write down, and date details of incidents.
I would have no hesitation in approaching the HeadTeacher.
Make an appt to see him/her and absolutely insist that something is done, even if it means threatening to take your son away from the school. [Iknow you don't mean it /want to, but you will be surprised at the School's response. Pupils mean money, regardless of the system, state or private.}
Insist that this boy is spoken to in the strongest terms, and warned about his future behaviour.
Also insist that all your sons' teachers are told of the sitn, so they can keep an eye on him, and watch the other boy.
Write formally to the Headteacher, as a back up, and send a copy to the Chair of Governors, including your account of incidents, times, dates etc.
There should be an Anti bullying policy in place. Question this, although in my experience, the words zero tolerance mean very little.
Question the arrangements for PE lessons. the fact that there is little/no supervision in the Changing Rooms is simply wrong, whatever the type of school. It raises a whole manner of questions concerning Chid Protection.Somebody would be in serious trouble if anything un toward were to happen .
This kind of thing makes me so angry. Ifully understand when you say that your son is somehow labelled as the problem. It is easier to do this, rather than tackle the real issues.Every child has the right to go to school, without having to put up with such rubbish.
Let me know how you get on. Jayne
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Cleome
member
Reged: 28/09/2007
Posts: 475
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Jane, I am so sorry to hear that your son is being bullied at school. My grandaughter was bullied in her last year at primary school. My daughter went to see the Head Mistress who was not very helpfull. It all changed when the bully started putting nasty notes on my grandaughters desk. The bully's parents were summoned to the school,and they contacted my daughter to apologise.The secondary school she attends now has a strict anti bullying policy.
Please do as bunnygirl suggested and ask to see their anti bullying policy.
If you Google School Bullying there are several sites which might help.
I do hope this will soon be sorted.
Cleome
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stellac
member
Reged: 14/05/2008
Posts: 907
Loc: mauritius
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I AM VERY SADDENED AT THE APALLING TREATMENT YOU AND YOUR SON HAVE RECIEVED. When my eldest daughter was at school she suffered racial abuse and was slapped by another girl in the classroom when a teacher was present as i considered this was assault i went to the police they did nothing. The school made some attempts to rectifie the matter but in the end my daughter moved schools.
stellax
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 2220
Loc: Suffolk,
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A work colleague had similar problems with her daughters school. She was advised to approach the school governors.
..wispa
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LadyGodiva
member
Reged: 19/09/2006
Posts: 400
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I really feel for you and for him poor boy. Is it a state or independant school?
How freely do you have access to the teachers?
I would ask for a written copy of the bullying policy and study it before going back and asking that they invoke the substance of the policy. Does the school have older children as mentors for the younger ones. In know a number of schools where they do this and it works very successfully. Can you seruptitiously canvas the opinions of your sons friends about this boy? as a means of gathering your evidences. I see know reason why the victim should be victimised by the ciscumstance and I totally agree with you putting his bag in matrons office just shows the bully he has power. I would rather seem them give your son the bully's dry clothes to wear for the session. Nor do I see why your son should have to be in a room with the boy to explain the situation as if he has done wrong. I think the process should be
child has problem
parent discusses problem with teacher
teacher investigates
gives preliminary report back to parent and agrees course of action with parent
Parent/teacher/child act accordingly.
For a brief period my son was bullied and the school were brilliant as the bully was well known but his parents always thought it was everyone else. The most valuable thing I was able to do for my sone was to have a weekend of role play where we took it in turns to be the bully and the victim. Very soon my son came to realise that my response to the things he said as the bully was very different to his and he realised then that the bully fed of his responses. He returned to school with a 'whatever, come back when you've grown up and I might be interested, and a get a life' approach to this child. He found it hard but was so proud when he was able to come home feeling that he was on top of the situation and this child could not hurt him. As for the bully he gave up within a week but as bully's do moved on to his next victim and remains universally disliked by all except probably his Mum who continues to have a whopping chip on her shoulder about everyone else! Good luck! we are not all the same and some bullies are more persistant than others and I do not suggest that our method is a cure all but it certainly helped us
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 1891
Loc: France
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Jane2008
This has hit even further home with me than this morning. We were in the car tonight and got on to the subject of when my eldest goes to the sixieme (first year of secondary school). The only thing that concerns him is what if he gets bullied? This is a year away and he has obviously thought aboutit already-that's terrible. I like your role play Carliz and might actually suggest that to his teacher (happens to be a really good pal too)-perhaps they could do some before the end of the Summer term-it's a long way off but obviously not too far off for him to have already thought about it himself.
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Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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Thank you so much for all of the excellent advice you have given me ladies, it is very much appreciated.
Yesterday when I went to pick my son up from school there was some good news and some bad news. The good news is that all of the boys have been questioned, so the school appear to be doing all they can to help my son. The other piece of good news is my son came out of school with dry hair!!
The bad news is it (from what I can gather so far) is that a few of the boys (not just one) have been involved in throwing other peoples kit in the shower – my son being one of them!! 
It sounds as if the school haven’t quite got to the bottom of it yet, but my son may very well be a guilty party in all of this. He says he is innocent, but quite frankly I’m not sure whether to believe him or not. The truth is my son is the class clown and was one of the naughtier boys at his old school, so why was I so quick to believe him and jump to his defence? I feel absolutely terrible now to think I got on to Matron and the Deputy Head Master and gave them a hard time about my son being bullied when my son may very well be one of the guilty parties.
I am glad I phoned the school to complain because a least this matter can now be dealt with. After all leaving a group of 11 and 12 year old boys in a changing room with showers is recipe for disaster! And as Cowleygirl has said there could very well be some child protection or health and safety issues here that need addressing.
I think I will have to wait a day or two to find out what really happened, but I feel embarrassed to think that my son could very well a guilty party in all of this and that I got on the phone ranting and raving in his defence. If this is the case then I think perhaps I owe Matron and the DHM an apology. How embarrassing!
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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You are a good parent Jane. Let's hope it all gets sorted soon.
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 1891
Loc: France
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Ah but you still wanted it sorted even though it might be a little bit of him too. That still makes you a good Mum in my eyes!!
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nowcemsi
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 273
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Having been through this with my daughter and myself when in my first term at the Comp, my first thoughts are do not let anyone approach the boy/bully but for a member of staff or a sixth former to attend the showers and witness for himself the boy bullying your son!
Otherwise your son will be a gras and the bullying will not stop
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acoustic
member
Reged: 05/10/2008
Posts: 42
Loc: france
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You were so anxious and stressed yesterday being embarrased today must feel a relief! Beausoleil is right, you are a good mum in my opinion too. I hope you get to the bottom of it soon and hopefully then your son can settle down and enjoy school.
Are showers still compulsory in the UK? If not and they are not used then can't somebody just turn off the stopcock in the shower room.
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blossom97
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 2419
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Showers are not compulsory at my daughter's school, thank god..I hated them!!
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gillian57
member
Reged: 15/06/2008
Posts: 194
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Hi Jane,
We all want to believe our own child so I wouldn't get too stressed about that. Bullying is a very emotive topic for a parent and will instantly bring out the protective instinct. I was a school governor for many years and think teachers are more concerned when a parent simply sides with their child over every little thing, never backing them (the teachers) up and this is a very different scenario. The important thing is for him to realise the difficult position he has put you in and to recognise that it can't happen again. I remember well the preparation for one of my son's open evenings and giving him the 'no surprises' lecture beforehand. Having told me about problems with just about every subject teacher I was ready for the one who hurtled over to my husband and I as soon as we arrived. The only problem was she was the History teacher and he had 'forgotten' to brief me on that one!! I can now laugh but could have throttled my son at the time.
Back to the bullying topic a friend of mine had a similar experience and in the end discovered it wasn't that her own child wanted to get up the kind of capers you describe but rather not to do so meant you stood out from the crowd and became the object of bullying from then on. So perhaps your son is using the same defence mechanism.
Gill
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