Calico
member
Reged: 18/06/2008
Posts: 332
Loc: Cornwall
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After reading the post about why men cheat it made me think about my own situation. I have been married for 14 months (3rd time) no sex for over a year, all I get is a goodnight peck and back turned. I am 58 he is 46.
He no longer helps with the housework, spends all day in his office working, comes down for supper then proceeds to sit with laptop on his knee working again. He has no need to do this, no overtime pay etc. I watch tv on my own. We never go out, he has no friends. He recently got paid his yearly bonus, £10,000, of which he was supposed to put into savings as I did my retirement lump sum. He has edged about this for a while before admitting it has all gone. £10,000 in 2 months on what? All he does is work and sleep.
An old boyfriend recently contacted me, he too is unhappy but lives 300 miles away. We email and text every day and all the old feelings are still there on both sides, he wants to meet.
Why shouldnt I?
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gatheringroses
member
Reged: 06/09/2008
Posts: 31
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Two wrongs don't make a right!.
Have you sat down and had a real heart to heart with him.
Is he really 'working' on his laptop. I think you have every right to ask where the 10,000 went.
I think getting involved with an ex while you are still in a relationship spells disaster. And what about your ex boyfriends OH, how would she feel knowing he is talking about his relationship with you when he should be talking with her and trying to fix what problems they have. How would you feel if your OH was texting and emailing someone else?.
I think you need to find out what is causing him to turn away from you, and he needs to be honest.
Turning to someone else may give you both an ego boost, but it's just masking the problems, not solving them and potentially causing far greater problems in the long run.
Sorry if I sound harsh.
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Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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Hi Calico, one reason might be that you are still married to your husband, and another might be that meeting an ex boyfriend would very likely complicate your life further.
It sounds to me as if you are and your husband are not communicating. You've only been married for 14 months. This seems such a short time to give up on a marriage. You say your husband no longer helps with the housework and spends all day in his office working. Can you pinpoint a time when things went wrong? Did anything happen? Do you still love him?
I think you need to tell your husband that you are feeling dissatisfied and neglected etc and see if you can make things work. How does he feel about things?
I know you FEEL like having an affair, but I think it could give you more problems and make things worse in the long run.
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gyp
member
Reged: 15/04/2008
Posts: 598
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Hi Calico, don't think about the affair - it'll only complicate things and take your mind off your marriage and you need to get to the bottom of your husband's behaviour first. Find out exactly where the money went before you do anything - that's odd. Online gambling? Do you know much about his background? Maybe a silly question but I just wondered?
Little alarm bells went off when I read your note, check what he's spent the money on. Good luck.
gyp
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 4786
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Calico,
Jane and Gatheringroses, speak good sense, if you did meet this guy that you still have feelings for, even more complications will arise.
My advice is, I can see you are definitely not happy, and your husband, is obviously neglecting you, you must talk with him, and see what he has to say. If he wont talk to you, suggest going to a third person meybe Relate, there is no point being unhappy in a relationship, you are only here once, and life is too short, to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not make you happy.
Plasmo xx
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Calico
member
Reged: 18/06/2008
Posts: 332
Loc: Cornwall
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I know deep down an affair is not the answer. Apart from anything else the distance would be too difficult. I suppose its good to have some attention from someone I still think a lot of when I feel so low.
OH says the money has just gone, we had some bills but it still leaves a lot unaccounted for. He doesnt want us to have a joint bank account, keeps putting off making a new will and doesn't want me managing the money.
He doesnt gamble, drink or go out except when he has to go work but even that makes me suspicious as he's always in meetings and I cant contact him.
Just fed up.
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 4786
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Calico,
I dont blame you feeling fed up.
Without sounding too harsh, is there a possibility he might be having an affair?
Plasmo x
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Ginnie
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 485
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A friend of mine was having problems with her husband and lack of communication. She couldn't get him to sit down and talk through their problems. She confided in me at the time and in the end she wrote him a letter telling him exactly how she was feeling. He did read the letter and things improved greatly for them. Maybe this would work for you.
As Jane said 'Do you still love him'
PS Irang my friend and asked her if she minded if I posted this
Ginnie
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..................................................
When it rains look for rainbows
When it's dark look for stars
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merc1
member
Reged: 20/02/2008
Posts: 817
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Calico, an affair isn't the answer or another relationship until you have sorted this one.Your life certainly doesn't sound very happy so do try to get a dialogue going asap.Good luck. merc.x.
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MOTHEROFPEARL
member
Reged: 17/02/2008
Posts: 350
Loc: gravesend kent
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email your other half , if hes always on his laptop then he will get it , an affiar is not the answer ,why start a new relationship off with a load of hassle , trust me the grass is never ever greener on the other side , i would turn in to a spy and start doing some digging around , just be prepared to find things out that you wont like , never ever stay unhappy , life is to short , so get your life back and start to take charge , good luck honey xxxx
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Teresa x x
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pontesusie
member
Reged: 01/06/2008
Posts: 10
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I would have to agree with those who say that an affair is definitely not the answer - believe me I've done it!
I've been emailing and texting an ex for nearly 6 years and we had a great online relationship. Things between OH and me have been dicey for years, even before that.
Ex and I recently tried the physical stuff and it didn't work - unhappiness all round. I felt let down, he felt uncomfortable and guilty and to make matters worse my OH has just found out ... things couldn't be more disastrous. I know what I have to do but it's hard.
The line I'm taking is this -
Deal with the relationship I have now, then if i end up free and single maybe a relationship with my ex would be a possibility.
Good luck
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chilla
member
Reged: 05/09/2008
Posts: 1330
Loc: runcorn
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Because it would be an unmitigated disaster causing heartbreak and acrimony all round for years.
I know this sounds a bit blunt, but you hav 2 options. Follow some of the very sensible advice that has been previously posted about having a heart to heart, via letter or e-mail if you think that would work. It might be difficult, but he probably doesn't know what you really think and I would hazard a guess that you don't know what he really thinks.
The second option is to just leave, because as McPhee's tag line reads - we're here for a good time, not a long time.
I would try option 1, at least you can say you tried as you follow option 2.
Good luck and I don't mean to sound harsh.
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When I have talked for an hour I feel lousy-
Not so when I have danced for an hour;
The dancers inherit the party
While the talkers wear themselves out and
Sit in corners, alone, and glower.
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Fuschia
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 1213
Loc: US
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Calico, it looks like you're looking for some affection and respect from outside your marriage because you're not getting it from the partnership you have. That's not going to solve your problem, and like the others have said will only make things worse. You have huge signs that there are problems - no sex, no communication, no help in the house, not being 'allowed' to manage any of the money, spending all of his and not being accountable for it, and you can never contact him when he's out. I'm really sorry to be so blunt but I'm wondering why you're putting up with this? Please don't think you have no power in this relationship - don't sit back and let him decide how everything is going to be. It's your life - take your power back and decide what you want and go for it. If he refuses to do anything to help make things better, you may need to either accept that this is the way it's going to be, or make some drastic changes. But please don't live like this - it must be tearing you up inside. Again, I'm sorry to be blunt but you asked for advice. I really sympathise - be strong and know that you deserve the best life for yourself. x
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joanneglasgow
member
Reged: 07/09/2007
Posts: 24
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Maybe he has a medical problem?
Another thought maybe he is gay and thought marriage would work
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LadyGodiva
member
Reged: 19/09/2006
Posts: 400
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Great advice from Gyp I think. His behaviour and the disappearance of £10,000 in a couple of months would cause me great concern. Re the ex boyfriend's texts and emails - very exciting but frying pan and fire spring to mind or another old saying 'the grass is always greener' sort one problem before you risk creating another that will cloud and confuse the whole issue for you
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gillian57
member
Reged: 15/06/2008
Posts: 194
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Don't know about the ex-boyfriend. Only you can know if it would be worthwhile. However, on the money front, if he has reneged on the deal to put money in to a joint account then I suggest you take the money you put in and move it elsewhere. Fair's fair after all!
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Katz
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 31
Loc: Nr Stirling
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Just read your post and replies and sorry to hear you are so sad.
Agree with most of advice given to your from others.
Am wondering about money issue and not being able to contact him when he is at work. Do you know where he works and who with? Has he worked there long? Do you think he could have lost his job and this is why he will not let you handle the money. He maybe spends all his time on his laptop applying for jobs and is too humiliated to tell you. This oould then lead to him not being able to show his affection for you and you feeling rejected.
I could be completely wrong but it may be worth trying to check out if possible.
Good luck.
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Calico
member
Reged: 18/06/2008
Posts: 332
Loc: Cornwall
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Thank you ladies for your replies and advice. We have made slight progress, he is going to show me all the bank statements, I still need to see credit card statements, and we are changing over to a joint account next week. We still have a lot of issues to talk about.
I don't think he is gay, I know though that he doesnt have a lot of self confidence and although I have been married twice before this is his first time. Maybe he feels a bit intimidated by this?
I do know where he works, he has been there for about 25 years and as his office is a long way away he works from home most of the time and only goes in when he has meetings so I guess I was a bit unfair about that.
We have a busy weekend so not much time for talking but next week I am going to do as one of you suggested and write him a letter. I also want him to write me one giving his point of view, maybe we can move on from there.
Thank you all and have a lovely sunday, I will keep you updated.
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 2220
Loc: Suffolk,
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Just a thought - on-line gambling?
..wispa
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Jane_2009
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2796
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Calico, you said your husband spent £10K in two months. Are you sure you want a joint account? Might it be better to wait until you've found out where all the money went?
Just a thought.
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