GILL3SQ
member
Reged: 29/07/2008
Posts: 94
Loc: Staffordshire
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Is anyone else out there losing their youngest child to university this month? and what are your thoughts on this change to your life.
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gre1958
member
Reged: 15/08/2008
Posts: 111
Loc: Staffordshire
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Hi
have done it twice and the first time is def the worst ! felt like losing my arm .. BUT .. and its big BUT you will enjoy the tidy house etc , did take me sometime to "settle" when my first daughter went to University it is a huge thing for both of you don't think for a moment that they feel as grown up and unconcerned as they would have you belief !! My eldest told me only recently (she is now 24 ) that she wept buckets when we left her , but homemade chocolate cake & leaving her room door open soon made her new friends ! food is always a good ploy to get students to get together ! Our second daughter was more than ready to go and if honest was not as bad for me .. she came back to live with us after year and half and has just left to live with her boyfriend (she is 22 ) having the house back to ourselves is great and you will have lots to talk about , and if your lucky uni is in great place for shopping and meeting up . I truly believe that you will be appreciated so much more, ie washing clearing up and cooking meals !! and in my case the bonds are stronger than ever , we talked all the time and things my girls have said since leaving home assure me that it was the right thing for them to do . Am looking forward to grandchildren (have been told to be patient , not in my nature !!) Am wishing you all the luck in world , you will survive and so will they . Chin up and bake a cake for them to take . Thinking of you Sue (Staffordshire )
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jac4man
member
Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 11
Loc: Cambridge
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Hi
My eldest is off to Uni in Exeter in 3 weeks and I am absolutely dreading it as I know I am going to miss him loads. He is really excited and am sure will have a brilliant time. Thank goodness for technology though as I am sure we will chat on MSN daily and he has a web cam on his laptop so at least I can see him as well. The terms are only 10 weeks long which seems an age but am sure will fly past. Food bills at home may come down which again is a bonus! Try to keep positive for them! Let us know how you get on.
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Sallykins
member
Reged: 10/04/2007
Posts: 2591
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This is so coincidental as i was talking to a Mum at my D's school yesterday about my S going to Uni and her reaction made me feel bad.
My S is leaving for Uni in Aberystwyth in 2 weeks time..... And I am looking forward to him going!!!
He is my first born and I absolutely adore him and I am so proud of him and of course I will miss him....but it's time for him and us to have some space from eachother.
When he was 11 my D came along (she's only 8 now). He had us to himself for 11 years whereas she has never had our totally undivided attention. I am really looking forward to an increase in quality time together. I am also looking forward to not having to do 3 or 4 different meals at different times because quite understandably S has a busy social life and works hard at his partime job and the hours he keeps are not always conducive to family mealtimes. It will be really nice as well that after 8 in the evening when D has gone to bed, OH and I will be able to spend some quality time together without a 3rd adult constantly around...and yes I look forward to intimate times without having to constantly worry about whether S is going to walk in etc etc.
Another thing which raised eyebrows during this conversation was the plan that as soon as S goes to Uni she will move into his larger bedroom adn he will have her smaller (but still plenty big enough) room when he comes home for the holidays. Both rooms are going to be re-decorated to suit each of them. His room will be an office/computer study while he is away but will be able to be turned back into a comfortable bedroom when he returns.
I actually want him to understand that by going off to University he has mentally begun the process of leaving home. Fortunately for us this is not an issue because according to him after he finishes Uni he is going to work abroad (his choice of subject will make this much easier than for others)and in his words settle and make a life for himself abroad.
Anyway after having this conversation with this other mum yesterday she made me feel that I can't be a warm loving mother if I am actually looking forward to my S leaving home.
While it did unsettle me a little i refuse to apologise for my feelings. My S knows that he is loved and supported in everything he does, and we will always be here for him if he needs us.....but our job is more or less done now, we have created an independent, loving smart and wonderful young man that I am proud to send out into the world.. the rest is now up to him...
Mind you if you see a car heading back to London from Wales on the 20th Sept with a snivelling woman in the front bawling her eyes out....odds are it will be me!!!!
I didn't say I wouldn't miss him....
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Sally x x
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beckybrox
member
Reged: 14/08/2008
Posts: 57
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My youngest D is off to Leeds in 2 weeks. She is very excited- I think.
I feel happy/sad/lost-is there a name for this emotion ?
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GILL3SQ
member
Reged: 29/07/2008
Posts: 94
Loc: Staffordshire
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I think it is "empty nest syndrome". A mixture of emotions all tied up with letting go of the children you have nurtured for 18 years!. GILL
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BettyRubble
member
Reged: 06/02/2008
Posts: 437
Loc: South west France
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Sally
It's the fact that you are a loving mother that your son is able to move on and enjoy uni. My two are 13 and 15 but we're already talking about what they'll do when they leave home. They have the confidence of knowing whatever life throws at them we'll be here for them - they feel secure knowing how much we love them. I'm sure that your son must feel the same. Looking forward to them leaving doesn't make you a bad mother it makes you a confident parent. Confident that you've done a good job !!
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bunnygirl
member
Reged: 30/08/2008
Posts: 396
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I have been losing my eldest in installments. She lived in student digs for her first year until the Easter when she dropped out of her course because she hated it and she came home. She started a new course in the September, but because she had been so unsettled the first year and the university was commutable, she stayed living at home. During this time she would also stay away for weekends at her boyfriend's. Because of the course she is now on she spent a total of 6 weeks away during the summer. 3 weeks ago she moved into a house with 4 friends from uni. Because of all the previous absences, I was surprised at how calm I felt when I dropped her and her things off. She is texting regularly so I know she is okay and I think she is more prepared for it this time. Just tell myself I can't worry any more about what she is up to or how late she comes home. Unfortunately,although she has left still costing us a small fortune in the form of her rent etc- don't think we will get rid of her financially until she is about 30 at this rate. Number 2 daughter shows no signs of going to uni, so not got house back for foreseable future.
But still feel the empty nest bit especially in the evening as OH sometimes travels with work and YD is either out or on the internet so end up watching TV on my own. Decided I now need some hobbies of my own- just need to work out what!!!!
Bunnygirl
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Appleblossom
member
Reged: 15/10/2007
Posts: 241
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I have 3 daughters. The youngest will be off to Lincoln University in a week's time but on the plus side my eldest is taking a postgraduate course at a local university this next academic year and living at home.
Edited by poppyfield (07/09/2008 20:14)
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Brenda1948
member
Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 365
Loc: West Sussex
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My son and daughter are both now married, but I remember how it felt when they left for university. It's a big step - for them and for you - but they usually settle very quickly into university life. With the infamous Freshers' Week, their social life gets sorted out quickly, although possibly not their academic one!
Both mine were at university within a couple of hours' drive, and they sometimes came home for weekends. The university terms are very short, and they seemed to be back for the first holiday almost as soon as they'd left.
It didn't feel as if they had left home, because home was still their base, and they came back each holiday. When they finally left to buy their own places after graduation, it wasn't as hard because I'd got used to not having them around all the time.
It's not always easy, but if you think of this as the beginning of an exciting new phase in your life, rather than the end of life as you know it, it will help!
When I had my first baby, my boss gave me a card that said: "There are only two things we can give our children. The first is roots, and the second is wings." You've given them their roots, so now's the time to give them their wings.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4425
Loc: South London
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Hi Sally
I read your post and thought what a sensible mother!
Children are just on loan and it is important for them to feel that they are able to fly the nest without having to look back all the time. Yes, you will feel a little sad when your son goes to Uni, but you will also feel proud of what he has achieved.
Our children are going to University at the age of 18, other 18 year olds are going to war and facing the possibility of injury or death. It is important to get things into proportion.
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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suzie88
member
Reged: 02/09/2008
Posts: 468
Loc: Essex
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Hi Sallykins,
I was interested to read you are giving the younger child the bigger room when the oldest one goes to uni. I did the same thing with my 2 children, it helps the eldest one to feel they have moved on and the younger one feels a bit special, because he was missing out on all the attention.
You are entering a new phase with your child when they go to university, you need to step back and let them fly the nest.
Good luck.
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camomile
member
Reged: 02/04/2008
Posts: 56
Loc: cheshire
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I think you sound like a very sensible and wonderful mother. Don't worry about this women, sounds to overbearing to me! give yourself a pat on the back for doing such a wonderful job!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think being overly protective helps teenagers they have to stand on there own to feet at some point.
I know the above sounds harsh, however my husband and i have lots of acquaintances who are older then ourselves and they have funded there children's university fees etc only for the kids to drop out.
My eldest daughter got a job after her A levels saved every penny, bought a house while only 18 and has now decided to get a part time job and and go to university, all funded by herself.
I'm very proud of her, I definitely don't miss changing her bed weekly or her washing/ironing. She pops in regularly, that is fine by me, i think I have the best of both worlds!
Obviously i might feel differently when my other two daughters leave home, but i doubt it! i think it means i have allowed them to be independent, and my door will always be open. What more could they or I want.
Actually though can't see the youngest two ever leaving home, they are hopeless with money, think i might be stuck with them for good!
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Katz
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 31
Loc: Nr Stirling
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I took my youngest to university today! I am so proud of him, what he has achieved and the young man he has become. I am excited for him and hope he really enjoys uni life. I support all his plans for his future and I am lucky that his uni is not so far away. So can anyone tell me why I cannot stop crying since I left him?
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4425
Loc: South London
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Hi Katz
You are crying because you realise a part of your life is over now. You have taken your son to Uni and your little boy is now a man. Also he is your youngest child and your final baby to fly the nest. You are mourning the passing of time. It is very natural I was tearful too, but it is part of life.
You are happy and sad at the same time. Good luck to your son and well done you for raising him.
Foxie x.
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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SteveyP
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 232
Loc: West Midlands
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My daughter is going off too next week. We live in the midlands and she's off to Bournemouth. This is second time for her as she went to Uni close to home last year, then gave it up and came home so we are very worried this time. B'mouth is so far away. However she is 20 now so it's time she was becoming more independent, I think she'll have a great time, as someone said freshers week and lots of events will keep her busy.
My eldest son is having her room (the smallest room)and when she comes for the holidays, he can go back in the bunks with his younger brother.
I was discussing this with YS and told him it's my job to bring him up so that he's confident enough to go off an start a wonderful life, balanced with him still wanting to come home and visit! Tough job. I'm sure all your/our children will be fine. I'm not sure how I will feel when the last one goes.
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Sue63
member
Reged: 16/09/2008
Posts: 11
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My eldest son starts uni on Saturday and I am feeling very emotional about it. It feels like such a big change and I suppose it is! My youngest Sam is also starting to feel sad as he is very close to his brother. Letting go seems the hardest part of parenting. I suppose it's another one of those milestone steps like starting school, secondary school etc it just feels really challenging at times!
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Chipmunk
member
Reged: 02/02/2008
Posts: 2145
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Bring it on.............Got a d going into 3rd year and a son going Sept 2009 and I have have no problem with empty nest. Both my children are independent young adults and I see this as the next phase in their lives. Love my d coming home but so proud she is a young individual who is happy at home and with whatever she is doing. I want my son to be equally comfortable with his life.
As for me, I like my own space, and have a few things in the pipeline for when son goes. Its been s and I and for along time mon to fri as oh works away but for me I don't see it as an end but a new beginning for them and us.
I won't miss the mess, the washing, but will miss the cooking and chats with son but most of all I want him to find his own way in the world.
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shellseeker
member
Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 1017
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My youngest is going to Uni on Saturday. He travelled earlier this year so that was a dummy run to him going away but I am dreading it. Yes, I agree with above that they are young adults and I am pleased that he is independent enough to want to go away, but I will miss him dreadfully!
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Edited by shellseeker (18/09/2008 18:30)
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