jessica
member
Reged: 01/02/2007
Posts: 578
Loc: North Wiltshire
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Over the past 4-5 years my OH, S & D have found me useful, such as when OH had his breakdown. Daughter went off and made a pigs ear of a relationship. Son has a cushy job (mins from home, starts 8:30-4:45.4:30 0n Friday) but whinges if I ask for help.
I was relating my feelings to my sister, (who they don't get on with) only to find they have been eaves-dropping on my conversation. (listerners never hear well of themselves) and they have said that I'm being oversensitve and misconstruding what they are like. But I know how I feel about them as I wish I was a million miles from here.
Last winter I did a part-time job to pay for us to have a break (OH on Medical pension). It paid for two small trips but I don't feel up to doing it again this year as I feel my health will suffer, although the people have asked for me back.
I related part of this to my daughter and the fact that it had been a difficult 4 year with her dads depression (Dr said it would take about 5 years for him to come out of it)and trying to get some money together for a break, her reply "Oh stop being some sort of Martyr" this realy hurt so from then on in I haven't relate anything to her. Just exchange pleasantries and hand her over to her father
But I'm pretty sick of their critcism of me and yet I've had to hold it together.
As I say I just wish I could walk out and find a place and turn my life around. To think that my lot is TV TV and more TV. I've made plans to get out but excuse is "petrols tight". Have managed to help a friend out in a shop I don't get paid but its some where to go.
I'm sorry if this sound as if I'm gabbling but all the hurt is just spilling over.
Thanks for being there
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debenjane
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 592
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Well, in answer to your headline question - yes. I felt like it for years with first OH. He barely remembered birthdays unless his mother reminded him, I was supposed to help my in laws out all the time but OH wouldn't even visit my father in hosp after his heart attack, he would be in a bad mood and I was supposed to tip toe around him so as not to offend anymore.... the list could go on and on.
That doesn't help you out at all though.
I am sending best wishes to you as I don't know the answer, except that you are worth more than this. They are making you unhappy and so something has to change. Do your S and D help out financially? or around the home?. You don't say how old they are but its clear they are old enough to consider your feelings and show some respect.
Is it possible to go and stay with your sister for a week or so? They might find out just how much you do for them at least.
Sending a virtual hug - you sure sound as if you need one. Keep posting here and I'm sure others will help out with advice. Good luck Jessica.
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SassyGranni
member
Reged: 12/01/2008
Posts: 1116
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I once knew a lady who had a family like this, selfish the lot of them,she was very unhappy at the way they treated her, like doormat at there beck and call, she took herself off to lovely hotel at the seaside for a week without telling them, they soon bucked thier ideas up i can tell you, might be worth a try if you want to save your marriage ? When it was me who felt like that with my ex oh, ( my children didnt live at home at that time ) i walked, never looked back.
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jessica
member
Reged: 01/02/2007
Posts: 578
Loc: North Wiltshire
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Thanks Jane, daughter 26 lives away from home some 5 hours drive we meet in London occasionaly, only phones when she want something, how do I know, I've started marking it on the calendar 15th July for ?, 22nd July ?, 1st August borrow some money,next call anyones guess. Son 23 spend most of his time out with his mates/girlfriend or on his bed, Yes he contributes, that money goes towards house maintainance and replacement of domestic items. When OH state pension kicks in next year I will go off on the gad if son is still here
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debenjane
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 592
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Waiting for the pension seems a long way off. Do something for yourself this week. Take yourself out for coffe or afternoon tea. Take a book and sit in a park, whatever you choose find a little thing that will make you smile and feel good. They can only make you feel bad if you let them.
( my ED told me this about my ex OH and you know, once I gave myself permission to be happy for my own sake then I found I had more courage to do something about him - I left )
Good luck planning your gad about. x x
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expatK
member
Reged: 18/01/2008
Posts: 1137
Loc: Frankfurt,Germany
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Jessica, I totally agree- you are worth more than this.
Do something for yourself- in the next few days, it doesn't have to cost much... just a bit of 'me' time. Although, really, I also think you should just take yourself off to your sisters for a week.... and leave them to it.
Hugs to you x
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Fiomar
member
Reged: 19/05/2006
Posts: 138
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It sounds as if your own health is a concern and needs sorting out. If you are the same age or younger than your husband presumably you should really be able to work full time or at very least be able to hold down a part time job. If you can get your health sorted you may be able to cope better with things. Having a job might well help you with your self esteem and make you less needy with your family. Even if you cannot find a suitable job it would be good for your family to see you doing other things for instance voluntary work and having other interests in your life. there is an awful lot more out there than endless TV!
Most of us feel like walking out some time or another, you need to use this feeling positively to produce a real change to make your life better, good luck
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mum_from_fife
member
Reged: 29/07/2008
Posts: 181
Loc: Glenrothes, fife SCOTLAND
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i think deep down everyones felt like that from time to time! i know i have, im over worked and completely under paid and at times i think about where i would go and what i would do but then if im honest i could never really live life without my family. i think getting yourself out the house and away for a couple hours each day would make the world of difference doing something that you want to do, my escape now is the kitchen or the garden, or takeing the dogs out for a walk it makes all the diffrence to take a stroll through our local woods and ive meet some nice people who also walk there dogs up there too
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 1621
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Hi Jessica, I think the ladies are right about being nice to yourself. Start treating yourself better, go for that coffee and a cake. Relax a bit. Make yourself less available. If you do take that job again, spend the money on you - go to a health spa for a couple of days. You deserve it.
Once you start to believe that you are worth more, you will start expecting more and your family will have to get used to it. Don't be stuck with the TV, there's always someone on here for a chat.
Hugs and positive thoughts.
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stellac
member
Reged: 14/05/2008
Posts: 907
Loc: mauritius
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I get these feelings too my daughters say i am being oversensitive when i get upset by their rudness and insensitivity to me, OH sometimes a bit better, i have decided that i benefit by getting away from situations, walking dogs [ i must confess i talk to dogs a lot, they are good listeners] meeting friends, to do something nice and spoiling myself all make life worth living
A BIG HUG FROM ME TO YOU
STELLAX
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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Obviously your family don't see all the things you have had to do. You sound quite depressed. I think you need to get away from them for a while and re-charge your batteries. You deserve better but you must demand better too. Don't be afraid of their comments. Your son and daughter love you but they just don't want to hear anything that might upset their own lives so they try to slap you down in order to stop you. x x
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maja
member
Reged: 20/02/2008
Posts: 1329
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I really felt for you, reading your post, and I can only agree with previous posts here, you just have to take care of yourself.
This life is all you ( and all of us ) get.
as been suggested,I think you need your own time, just get away for a while every day for a coffee, watch people, or take a book or a mag. Make it "your" special time.
A friend of mine regularly goes to an old church (not during services) she´s not very religious at all, she goes there for an hour/half hour, to just sit quietly and meditate on her own, and it gives her peace of mind.
That works for her.
Another one I know ( well, me actually) go for a walk, I put on wellies or boots, grab my binoculars, maybe a chocolate bar (ok always)and I walk, now and then stopping to look at birds
it´s relaxing and doesn´t cost a thing.And that works for me when I need my own time.
This forum is really good too, if you feel alone, and doesn´t want to be.
So figure out what would make your time a "special time" for you. You need it.
I also agree that your children seems to be rather selfish,just taking you for granted and not considering you as a person with your own life and needs.I´m sure they love you,they are just used to think about you as mum, not a person who might break eventually if your unhappiness is allowed to continue, and what they need is a reminder of what a difference it would be for them if suddenly you weren´t around all the time.
try to get away for a bit, maybe stay with your sister, or maybe some other friend (preferably in another place)look into options that doesn´t have to cost a lot.
Above all, take care of yourself
hugs
Maja
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jessica
member
Reged: 01/02/2007
Posts: 578
Loc: North Wiltshire
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Thanks ladies your input has been valuable. Yesterday the OH and S had a deaf and dumb dinner which put them on edge and in the cool light of morning expained how I felt and I expect some changes or I certainly would be making other arrangment with regard to the house and me finding some where else to live. (Not the first time or second come to that that I've done it) So they know I mean it.
It really hit me on Thursday when a friend that I known all my life came to stop over on his way to Ireland he was going to stay with friends who have riding stable (if he'd asked me to go with him I wouldn't have pack, just slung it in a bin liner) Anyway he made me realise how inprisoned I have felt and how I suppose, feel abused. He reflected how happy I was where I lived before an what fun we used to have. He still has that sence of fun, although his wife died this year and they had been married 49+1/2 years but he came from an area where we all had the same sence of humour and fun, As well as helping each other, both his boys look out for him, making sure his car is fixed etc. My lot just seem grumphy.
And... you are going to love this, after all your suggestion, which I took seriously on board. The phone rang and it was the girls from where I used to work they had organised a coach trip to London, would I like to go? You bet... Shortly after my daughter rang, "Oh you wouldn't like to bring my pictures up to London on the coach and leave them in a deposit, so I can collect them when I'm next in London" Answer.. NO I B****** WOULN'T. Its my day out. Oh well, not a lot more to say then. Bye
Priceless!! Some of these picture are as big as me!!
Just hope it gets better from here on in. Thanks for being there. J
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 2276
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Hi Jessica - just wanted to say how I smiled to read your last posting, my ex husband used to take me for granted until the worm turned - how he hated it when I enrolled for a law course and passed (he said I would never do it) and how he hated it when I booked a weekend away with friends - eventually managed to leave and found a new life, but I just wondered if you have a supperclub where you are, I know the supperclubs have opened up a whole new world for many ladies (including me) making new friends and having a real laugh. Anyway good luck, enjoy London, and keep strong and a step ahead!
xxx
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SteveyP
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 232
Loc: West Midlands
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Hi Jessica I just wanted to say good luck and I hope you feel happier soon.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 4425
Loc: South London
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Hi Jessica
Just wanted to wish you lots of luck - have a wonderful time with your friends in London. I would second joining a forum coffee group or supper club if there is one near you.
Foxie x.
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In your journey through life, take what works for you and let the rest go. Susan Jeffers
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kate1
member
Reged: 18/08/2008
Posts: 2798
Loc: Leicestershire
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I think that if you haven given all these years to your family, and have ended up being sooo unhappy, then you have a right to save yourself.
If you want to leave in order to do this, then do so.
If the mere suggestion makes you realise that is not what you want, then stay but make sure your life improves by making changes....they won't make them, 'cos for them life is ok...you will have to.
Remember this...'They suffer least who suffer what they choose'.
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BC41
member
Reged: 05/11/2006
Posts: 226
Loc: England
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Hi Jessica
I can't add much more to these posts - I know I've felt the same (as i've said in some of my previous posts) but, for whatever reason, I'm still here. It really does help getting out of the house. I'm lucky in having a vg friend, and we go to health spas for two weekends every year (worth saving up for), or just meet up in town and go window-shopping and people-watching over coffee and cake.
Men ARE *rses sometimes, and I think it takes a short sharp shock to get them out of their hole.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
BC40
xxx
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ChrissiFi
member
Reged: 28/06/2006
Posts: 1450
Loc: Somerset
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It's easy to get in a rut when you've been together a while (and even easier to think that the grass is greener for everyone else). I work on the theory that you can't change someone else but you can change yourself. If you've got more going on in your life maybe your OH will realise that he's missing something in his and will start to make changes himself too.
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barberella
member
Reged: 04/04/2008
Posts: 420
Loc: Nottingham
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I can't give you any answers i'm afraid, but a funny thing happened to me recently. OH and i not very communicative, kids (25,23 & 12) taking me for granted as usual. Feeling very used and low. Suddenly an idea came to me. In 5 years time we have paid off our mortgage. Youngest D will be 18 older two will have gone (???????) I put it to OH that we sell up and split everything 50/50. He was horrified that i suggested this and things have improved dramaticly at home but................. the thought of getting a small cottage somewhere with a bit of garden and my own space has got me really excited. I long for solitude sometimes. Just to please my self and not have people constantly needing me is someting i long for. What i'm trying to say is, we all have dreams. Its whether we have the guts to follow them that is the issue.
Good luck with your situation.
We should start a commune for selfless mothers.
Any takers?
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Seek the true woman inside and be true to her.
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