Tufty
member
Reged: 26/02/2008
Posts: 209
Loc: Hampshire
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My YD (11) is going up to snior school in september. Last night was her Leavers disco at school.
She went with her friend S. When I went to pick them up my D was sobbing. She said E and J (J was/is her best friend since infants) had ruined her last disco and was being mean to her. My D had walked away but E kept going back to her and saying things.
E & J are quiet dominant characters and my D is not, when the oither 2 are really pally they can be quite horrible!Now I know girls fall in and out all the time but there has been a few incidents and I have spoken to the class teacher who said there has been other complaints with those 2.
The year head teacher came over and spoke to me last night and said to go and see him monday, which I will.
But I was livid last night that her disco had been ruined for her and that they couldn't just leave her alone. I was going to speak to them but D wouldn't let me!
I spoke to S's mum at drop off as s was unhappy too. And she has had a few problems with the other 2.
E is not going to the same snr school thankfully.
I know my D is not all sweetness and light! but I would hate it if she was being horrible to others and I would want to know and speak with her.
I have slept on it and I am still angry about it!
Problem is I am very friendly with J's mum and will see them at a function tomorrow. Whilst I have mentioned the odd thing to her I am sure she thinks my D is woosie!!!
But if if they are genuinally upsetting my D I don't think that is acceptable.
Sorry bit long winded!
Am I over reacting?!  Should I just let it all settle down?
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oscar11
member
Reged: 11/07/2008
Posts: 9
Loc: Surrey
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These things happen,it happened to both of my girls. All I can say is that sometimes when they move onto senior school there are so many other new people to get to know that the ones who are very over confident often lose that when they are swallowed up in a much larger school. Come September, these girls will be small fish in a much larger pond. Your daughter needs to be encouraged to make new friends at her new school and leave these girls behind in the past. As for the mum you are seeing tomorrow, I'd be cool and if she asks why then tell her, but not in an accusatory way. Just say you will be glad when they can all move on and make new friends. It doesnt get any easier when they get older, unfortunately. Girls who are bitchy as children usually grow into bitchy adults and we have all met a few of them, I am sure.
Good luck.
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3761
Loc: South Wales
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Hi Tufty
When my d. moved to the comp, I sent her to a different school from her "friends" at primary school, who constantly veered between putting her down and then assuring her of their friendship. She had lost all her confidence but also felt she needed these girls as they had made her feel that no-one else would want to be friends with her.
She was furious that I chose a different school for her, but within 6 weeks of going there she was a different character and now at 16 she is bubbly and outgoing, makes friends very easily (much better at it than me!) and glad that she went her separate way. She still sees one of her old friends too, but now it's on her own terms and this girl has much more respect for her.
It's horrible to see your d. upset by these cruel girls' bullying, but the excitement of a new school in September will help her to move forward and put it behind her. I expect you really want to tell J's Mum - I would want to, but you can rest assured her d will make some excuse or other and it won't actually make much difference. I have seen a mother who in other respects was a really nice person watch her d. be horrible to another child and then brush it aside as if it meant nothing.
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PatsyW
member
Reged: 28/12/2007
Posts: 1621
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Hi Tufty, I can see why you'd want to talk to J's Mum but I think Valaber is right. J will make excuses or her Mum will make them for her - as kids we learn from our parents and J is the way her Mum has made her. No doubt the girls will be all be friends again before school finishes (as always!) but you can be content knowing that when D starts at high school J and E will be in the past and D will find friends more deserving of her.
Good luck to D at high school by the way.
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Tufty
member
Reged: 26/02/2008
Posts: 209
Loc: Hampshire
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Thank you all, ED went to snr school 2 years ago and no longer goes round with the girls she went with from jnrs. Although they are the 'it' group of girls she doesn't want to mix with them because in her words they are 'chavs'!?!
There was an awful lot of bitching in the first year which was horrible.
YD is a more insular child and I want to encourage her to move away from her dependence upon J as BF as when things like this happen it's hard. She will meet up some other friends from other junior schools so I am hoping she will make a wider circle of friends.
I know I have to be careful what I say to my friend, at the end of the day we will all protect our own children! but I still feel that if it is to the point of upsetting a child then it is too far and I would have words with mine! But on the hand they hate each other one day and are BF's the next!!
True girls can quite bitchy!!
I am going to speak to the teacher on monday as these 2 have caused several problems before and I am still annoyed they ruined her disco!! they could have just left her alone after she had walked away!!
Deep sigh!! 
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Carey
member
Reged: 03/06/2008
Posts: 115
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My daughter spent the last year at primary school in tears due to her 'friends'. However within one day of starting secondary school she made new friends, walked with them to school the second day and has never had any problems since! (she is now 14). So if I were you I would just grit my teeth and hope it will all be over in a couple of months and your D will have lots of lovely new friends.
Carey
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J22
member
Reged: 17/05/2008
Posts: 94
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I had a similar problem with my son when he was in Y5. he became frustrated, angry and very difficult all because of the dominance of one friend who was influencing how other children treated my son. Eventually we moved him to another school which was in a far poorer environment and he thrived. He was accepted ( even though his Dad was the Head) and had no teasing or nasty comments. He moved to his local Comp and back to previous friends a year later a different child and has had no problems at all...though it helps that he has always been taller than them. He made a completely new set of great friends in the first week and in Sept they go to 6th Form together. The holidays are nearly here so see the teacher and then let your D make new friends in Sept as there will be lots of new people to get to know.
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Vicky123
member
Reged: 22/02/2008
Posts: 2276
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Also had this problem when ED was at junior school. One day she was so upset when she came home from school her "friends" had ganged up on her. I told her to ring her friend and find out why she was being nasty, and I listened in on the extension. I could not believe what I was hearing, ED's friend saying that ED thinks she's the best looking girl in the school and thinks all the boys love her - this girl was so vicious. Anyway I intervened and said "Hi Jessica, this is H's mum, and I have just heard everything you have said. Can I speak with your mum now please" at which Jessica backtracked so fast saying she really liked ED but was being put under pressure from the other girls. I told her I had heard everything and was upset that she had been welcome in our home and felt I needed to speak with her mum. She begged me not to (I had only spoken to mum briefly when picking up ED from their house or vice versa) but I did and I told her how upset ED had been. Her mum was mortified and after a very long chat she promised she would speak to her daughter which she did. She called me back the next day and said her daughter was really upset, but knew she was being nasty to ED and was very sorry. After that things calmed down and the two girls are still friends today (9 years on). Girls can be so awful to each other, but there is usually a ringleader who pulls the others in. I would not normally have intervened because I know that can sometimes make things worse, but on that occasion I felt I had to and seeing my ten year old so upset actually quite enraged me because she is a gentle little thing who wouldnt hurt a fly. Anyway thats my story amd it did work. Of course a lot of mums would never believe their little angel would be capable of bullying so it wont work with everyone but it was a good solution for us.
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rcey
member
Reged: 28/05/2008
Posts: 681
Loc: Surrey
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Hi Tufty - my girls are now 19 and 16 so I've been there and understand your frustrations.
There is a wonderful book called "The Queen Bees and Wanna-bees" ..... it is worth every penny as it explains the ways of teenage girls and how there will always be one "Queen" bee and how she gets the others to do her dirty work, while she lurks in the background and of course gloats with her successes.
Actually all common sense but when you read it and understand how a teenage girl works, it makes coping that much easier.
Please try and get your hands on a copy - perhaps your local library has one? Good luck.
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