SusieL66
member
Reged: 06/07/2008
Posts: 18
Loc: East Yorkshire, England
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My 10 year son is driving me batty!! He is a very loving, fun, entertaining child BUT just recently he has been driving me NUTS! I feel like I spend most of my time telling him off - and I hate it.
I worry that he may be feeling pushed to one side since his brother arrived (10 months ago)and my hubby is his stepdad. He used to do loads with my son but since we've had a baby he spends all his spare time with him. Ryan (10 yr old) goes out with his friends most of the time and lately has been pushing his luck when it comes to 'coming home time' - sometimes getting in 15/20 minutes later than he should. This led to him being 'grounded' last night and then I felt mean, but stuck to my guns, even though it meant he sat in his room sulking. What makes me feel bad is that he does always apologise for being stroppy, having a bad attitude but by then I've been wound up and upset and just want to cry. I feel awful about it, but how do I change this? I've spoken to him and asked if there's anything wrong and he always says he's fine, "really". Do you think he's just going through a phase - practising being a teenager? I'd hate it if he and his stepdad fell out and I don't want to be stuck in the middle trying to keep the peace. Please help if you can - all advice is very much appreciated!! 
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annemari
member
Reged: 07/03/2008
Posts: 2089
Loc: Gloucestershire.
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SusieL66 - I second your request for advice,I have three elder brothers,and although ~Dad and Mum were firm,I think Dad was a bit too firm,consequently none of us are very close.
I really don't want that to happen with my GS.
Any advice on boys would be most helpful. Please.
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Annemari xx
 "A new little friend has come to play,O the joy of the forum,Thank-you".love Eric xx
 Hello Ladies,don't mind me,I'm Eric's new friend,Tinker xx
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 905
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hello - well i have an 11 year old boy - middle child , other two are girls and i do think this is a phase they go through. I hate to say it but when he was away on a school trip recently the house was so peaceful. He is allowed like your son to go over the park with his friends and gets so wrapped up in a football match/ game or something that he sometimes forgets the time. We bought him a very cheap mobile phone just so that we can contact him to remind him and put our minds at rest. I know alot of people may frown on this but it saves alot of arguments and he doesn't really use it much for anything else as boys don't tend to chat for hours like girls.
i think boys at this age are growing up and their hormones are kicking in so it is normal to get the odd mood swing and tantrum - we try to deal with it quickly and not let it escalate. Its hard to know what to do sometimes as grounding them makes them more moody and drags it out. Sometimes we stop him watching his favourite programme or going on the playstation or one evening of playing out with his friends. Like your son he is not a bad boy - just a child trying to find his way with friends his own age.
My husband tends to do more with our son and i sometimes worry that our little girl doesn't do much with him - so now and then he takes her for a treat on her own - to the zoo or horse riding. May be if your partner could do this with your son occasionally then he wouldn't feel left out.
Any way - i think all families go through this sort of thing and your little boy sounds lovely. Best wishes.
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[ima ge][/image]
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Jinxy
member
Reged: 06/03/2008
Posts: 70
Loc: Wiltshire
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I've brought up 3 boys, two of whom are grown up and have left the nest. I can't pretend to know everything about bringing up boys, but I do I think there are two issues here. The first is that boys this age do try to push the boundaries. It's only natural! And once they know that the boundaries are going to stand firm, they back down a bit. The second is that boys need to have input from men - they need a strong role model to give them a measure of how they should be as they get older. It sounds as if your OH isn't providing that for your son at the moment. Your son is probably feeling a bit pushed out and vulnerable because of that. Could you quiety have a word with your OH and perhaps arrange for him and your son to have a bit of 'boy' time together? It might help. Also, I can thoroughly recommend the book 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph - it's full of sensible, practical advice.
Good luck!
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BeauSoleil
member
Reged: 26/03/2008
Posts: 1466
Loc: France
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Susie
I have a 10 year old (+9 yr old + 4 yr old). Just recently I have felt the same way as you with both of the older ones. I have grounded them, sent them to bed early, stopped them going out and banned TV, X box etc. I think it is definitely a phase and actually it seems to be only at home as everywhere else they make me very poud. Try and make sure you are still giving praise where it's due too as sometimes we can get very wrapped in their 'faults' and I feel with mine that the praise actually goes a lot further than the telling off. I also find that when they are getting the praise then that is the time to perhaps gently mention what they were told off for the night before or earlier in the day. When you are having a cuddle or playing with them they seem more susceptible to a bit of 'guidance' and gently telling them why you didn't appreciate something they did/do. Hope this makes sense but I do feel it's a growing stage. Don't forget it is always harder to keep telling them what's right than it is to just leave them to their own devices....
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Jenniet
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Reged: 18/08/2006
Posts: 109
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Susie,my boys are grown up now but I had a similar situation.I think your 10 yr old is feeling a bit pushed aside and children are not always conciously aware of those feelings to talk about them if asked.It tends to show up in their behaviour.Also the male sex is generally not as good at in depth chats about emotions, and if he wanted to talk about the impact of the new baby on his life he might worry that it will upset you and spoil your pleasure in it.Easier to get attention by playing up!I agree with Jinxy that your OH spending time with him may help as it sounds like that has been a loss for him.If it possible to get the baby looked after for a few hours so that you three can do something he likes together,he may understand that he can still be important to you and the family unit.Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph Is excellent I agree.
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Foxie
member
Reged: 09/08/2007
Posts: 3919
Loc: South London
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I have one son, now grown up, but I do agree that boys need a strong role model. Do you have any other males in the family? brothers, brothers in law, older teenagers, uncles, grandfathers etc who could be involved in your son's life as well as his step dad?
Do you involve your son in his little brother's life? It's not only girls who are good with babies. From your post it seems as if your OH has taken a step back from your son, can they do something together just the two of them?
Do you do things with your son? My son and I used to play football together. I was useless, but it was fun and my son was the expert and taught me quite a lot. I do believe that a bit of special attention for boys (and girls) of this age really pays dividends in the teenage years.
Good luck
Foxie
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Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told "I'm with you kid. Let's go." Maya Angelou
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beachbabe
member
Reged: 11/03/2008
Posts: 224
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He sounds like a typical 10 year old boy to me! I have one too - he will be 11 very soon. They sound identical!!!
Just do your best - they have lots of issues that they need to deal with just growing up. Just be there for him - there will be arguments, but as long as you come out the other side you'll not be far wrong.
Good luck!
BB
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SusieL66
member
Reged: 06/07/2008
Posts: 18
Loc: East Yorkshire, England
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Thanks for all the advice. I spoke to my hubby about how I was feeling and he agreed that his focus is on our baby - as soon as he comes home from work he looks after him - but that gives me a break too and that's when I try to focus on Ryan. He did agree though that we need to do more with Ryan again and as Jack is getting older it's a lot easier to manage both boys at the same time, despite the age gap! My hubby did say that he'd like to take Ryan swimming again once a week and up to the park to practice his football (he plays in a local team)like they used to. We both agreed that our priorities have shifted since Jack arrived and we need to really assess them again and have a change about.
I agree that Ryan is being a 'typical' lad of his age - but as he is the oldest child in our extended family I have nothing to compare him too. Whilst I was a single parent (I split with his dad when he was 4) my dad was a big male influence in his life and he still loves spending time with him (my dad spoils him - which I don't mind about).
Ryan is fabulous with Jack and right from day one we've encouraged him to be involved but never pushed him to spend time with his little brother - he just loves to do it, especially now Jack is more interactive with everyone!!
I'm really proud of Ryan and the way he's turning out (I believe now that this phase is just that - a phase) and like BeauSoleil, I am extremely proud of how he conducts himself in the presence of other adults in public (ie when we take him out for meals etc). We received his school report last Friday and all his teachers commented how popular he is and how easily they can converse with him - and how they'll miss him in their classes next year!! His grades weren't too bad either - but we always stress to him that being sociable, thoughtful of others and polite will do him a lot of good in later life - seems like he listens to some of what we tell him.
I'm taking on board a lot of what you all advised and I'll let you know how we all get on - I'm glad it's school hols soon and I'll get to spend more time with him (have already asked my parents to look after Jack so Ryan and I can do some activity together - this will probably involve ice skating or cycling somewhere hilly!!). Can't wait!! Thanks again xx
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aitchaitch
member
Reged: 15/07/2008
Posts: 1
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I've just joined these forums and read this thread which has proved great advice.
I have a 9 year old boy (also girl 11 and another boy 5) who is a complete "wind up merchant" at the moment. I'm now convinced it's just a phase he is just trying to push the boundaries to see how far they will go.
Thanks for the advice
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Sonata
member
Reged: 21/12/2006
Posts: 298
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First it's the toddler tantrums, then the hormonal teenager.....Try to praise him for all the good things he does and he will not need to get negative attention from you. Ask his advice on certain issues , for example what he thinks his baby brother would appreciate. There's a good boy inside.It's just a phase,
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sunflower39
member
Reged: 13/01/2008
Posts: 322
Loc: warwickshire
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All good advice. I have 2 boys aged 9 and 5. For me its the youngest thats the problem. At school he's an angel..very clever, mature etc, but as soon as he's home with his big brother we have fights, arguments, slammed doors etc. And he doesn't ever do as he's told...we've tried many sanctions, like taking away Nintendo, not letting him go to a friends party etc, but he just doesn't care.
Tried a sticker chart a couple of weeks ago. Its helped for about 3 days, but then he got bored of it. To be honest I'm at the end of my tether with him. Just feel like I spend my whole time telling him off...
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Splash123
member
Reged: 04/05/2008
Posts: 932
Loc: South Glamorgan
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Get the book Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph it really is very very good and very readable. I have raised three boys ....all grown up with fmilies of their own now. I often say that if I had known what super human beings they would turn into I would not have worried half as much as I did when they were growing up. Your son sounds lovely and very normal.It will pass just keep trying and always love him.There are no Quick fix- it for boys but the book is soooo readable and offers sensible advice
Good Luck and a big hug from me! x
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