Bluebell35
member
Reged: 25/03/2008
Posts: 433
Loc: Kent
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I would like to get some opinions from you all on a subject that is really worrying me. Sorry if I end up rambling on a bit...
My son is 13 years old. He is my only child and obviously the most precious thing in the world to me. His dad and I are divorced but we get along just fine and discuss anything to do with our son and aim to support each others decisions.
At the local nightclub, they hold an under 18's night. It runs from 7pm to 11pm. There is no alcohol involved and I am told that everyone is searched on entry to the club.
Alot of my sons friends go to this disco and now he has asked if he can go. Up until now I have managed to make an excuse why he cant go, but I stupidly said a while ago that if he was good etc etc he could go to the next one.
Having given it much thought I have decided I DO NOT want him to go. My reasons have much to do with all the teenage stabbings that have happened recently. I do not want to put him in an environment where the risk of this happening is increased, and I believe that going to this disco would be a risk.
I have just discussed this with his dad on the phone, and surprisingly enough he does not agree with me. He says that something could just as easily happen in the middle of town during the afternoon. I tried to explain to him about the increased risk but he still doesnt agree. He thinks we should let him go so he can socialise with his mates. However he has said that he will support my decision.
What do you all think?
Am I being stupid?
Am I being overprotective?
I strongly believe that parents have a big part to play in the way our children behave.
Thanks for listening.
Bluebell35 x
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dizeeblonde
member
Reged: 19/01/2008
Posts: 3173
Loc: Manchester
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Bleubell, been there with this one. I was apprehensive when my daughter first wanted to go to one of these. To cut a long story short I did let her go but there were conditions. It ended at 11 so she had to come out with another friend (whose mother was just as wary as me) at 10.45 to avoid any troublemakers etc. I dropped her off and picked her up for a few years , until I believed she was old enough to get the bus home with her friends. My daughter was fine with this as she understood my worries.
You are certainly not stupid, but like me face the dilemma of what is protective and what is over-protective. We have to be careful, but I would stop short of stopping him attending something organised for under 18's. I know the nightclub my daughter went to really did search all the kids before they went in which meant no drugs, no alcohol and no weapons got inside.
It's so difficult but my fear was if I didn't let her into the real world so to speak, then perhaps I would be wrapping her up in cotton wool, and then she may have started to lie to me. They have to learn to be a little street wise away from mum, or how or they going to cope when they reach 18 and start socialising with alcohol etc.
Hope this helps
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ChrisMck
member
Reged: 16/05/2006
Posts: 349
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Hi Bluebell,
I agree with Dizee, you have to let your child go at some point because if you don't he will rebel at some point.
What's to stop him being attacked in the middle of the day, at a shopping centre or these days even in school.
Part & parcel of being a parent is knowing when to let go and how.
When my daughters were teenagers (long before the days of mobile phones) the more I tried to stop them doing something they wanted to do, the more they would go behind my back and the situation would turn in something I had no control over.
Yes parents play a big part of how children behave, but look at it this way, if you have brought your son up to be senseable, he should know how to a) look after himself and b) how to avoid trouble.
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Chris
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Sue_Scripture
member
Reged: 22/05/2008
Posts: 310
Loc: Grove Park, SE London
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Me too, Bluebell, I'm with Dizee she talks a lot of sense. I have 3 children who are all passed this age now, but each child was very different. You have to trust your child. Hopefully he's trustworthy and has a mobile phone. Tell him you're proud of him for being good and that you will go ahead and keep your promise. Maybe you should take him and his Dad pick him up or something similar. YOu could always find out who's running it and have a quiet word to ask if they can keep any eye on him, although this may not be practical or possible. Good luck with this one. Let us know what you decide.
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lizalou
member
Reged: 01/02/2008
Posts: 553
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As another mum of a 13 yr old boy I agree with all the replies. Assuming the disco is well respected by other mums I would let my son go-- in a few years it will be pubs and night-clubs and he needs to learn how to behave and how to react to others' behaviour. But I would arrange definite rules for collection, keeping with friends, no alcohol, etc etc.
Good luck!
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 2219
Loc: Suffolk,
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Bluebell,
you've got to let him go, if for no other reason than you have promised him he can. If you can break a promise, then that gives him permission to do the same. You run the risk he might never trust you, and as a result might start lying about where he is going.
Harsh words, sorry, but don't know what else to say.
You need to start damage limitation. Admit you aren't happy, but as you have promised you will go with it. Tell him you didn't expect him to behave, but he has and you are proud of him as it obviously means so much. Praise the effort he made. Tell him your fears. You're letting him go to a grown-up event, so treat him like a grown-up. He'll love it, you'll forge a bond early on in his teenage years that will stand you in good stead.
And if finances permit, take him out and buy him a new shirt, or even some hair gel, or lynx deodorant, just to show you trust him.
And when he gets back, sit down with him, make a cuppa and a packet of chocolate hob-nobs and ask him how it went, who fancied who, etc. Don't be too nosey, just be mates and let him tell you all about. And enjoy being one of hos mates
..wispa
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lechef
member
Reged: 18/02/2007
Posts: 15
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Quote:
Bluebell,
Tell him you didn't expect him to behave, but he has and you are proud of him as it obviously means so much. Praise the effort he made. Tell him your fears.
Sorry, but i wouldn't tell my son that i didn't expect him to behave. If you don't expect a child to behave the chances are they will live up to your low expectation. My son is 15, we always pick him up from events in the evening. I think all parents must be concerned about stabbings, the only answer is bouncers using metal detectors in pubs and night clubs, they are being phased in where we live. Otherwise, life must go on. I know it feels so much worse when you have an only child as my self, have my 'eggs in one basket' so to speak and it's a worry. We all have mishaps, accidents and we all die sometime. We can only do so much, but our 'chick' will evetually leave the nest.
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wispa
member
Reged: 16/01/2008
Posts: 2219
Loc: Suffolk,
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Lechef,
sorry, maybe I didn't make myself clear. Bluebell said "if he was good" which I expressed as "behave"
I was thinking abiut 13 year old boys, and assuming she meant things like not leaving his trainers lying around, putting his dirty washing in the laundry basket and not lying on mhis bedroom floor, and putting dirty plates and mugs in the sink. Jut typical 13 year old boy untidiness and forgetfulness.
I'm sure he's very well behaved in the things that really matter.
..wispa
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Bluebell35
member
Reged: 25/03/2008
Posts: 433
Loc: Kent
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Morning All
I did'nt get a chance to catch up with you last night as I had to go out straight after work.
Thank you all so much for your responses, I actually feel a whole lot more positive about it all now.
He does indeed have a mobile phone, and I do trust him. I/we have brought him up to know right from wrong, and he is a sensible boy.
I think all of your comments have helped me to decide that I will in fact let him go to the next one. Its not for a while so I have a bit of time.
I will let you all know what happens. Thanks you again.
Bluebell35 xx
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KazA
member
Reged: 05/06/2008
Posts: 15
Loc: Leeds/ Near airport
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Did u let him go.
My son is 15 and I would not have an issue as long as there are agreed boundaries and times. Especially what friends or girlfriends he was going with and coming home arrangements.
Did u never attend a junior tiffanys they were all over the uk.
I worked in youth work twenty years ago at the times of skin heads, punk rockers and other groups - there were stabbings and many youths from all back grounds trying solvent abuse.. It is nothing new but if you never give a bit of freedom any child can be very naive in thier late teens.
Books on youth culture since the 50's are very interesting and remind us all of the good and bad things relating to each decade.
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Regards
Karen
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Sonata
member
Reged: 21/12/2006
Posts: 364
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We have an organised teens disco in our city. It is for 11-15 year olds but no self respecting 15 year old would be seen dead there!! It is a collaboration bewtween a private events organiser, the council and the local police. Especially to give this age group somewhere safe to go. There are security men on duty.You buy the tickets (£6) from the local library. Each month is a different theme...popcorn party, ice party. No chewing gum or drink etc. Soft drinks only on sale.They are searched on the way in.
I was very apprehensive when mine started going but they found it graet fun. They all got their glad rags on and there was no trouble. The police were there at the beginning and end and hoards of security men in yellow jackets inside and out during the evening.
I would let him go. You have to trust him. Drop him off ( a little way down the road obviously) and pick him up at the end.
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