barb50
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 8
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I have been with my OH for 23 years and have, in the main, been very happy. We have 2 kids, 16 and 14, but have never got married. I realise now that is is because he is very unconventional and doesn't like doing things most people do.(i.e the norm). I have sort of accepted this but sometimes I just wonder why he hasn't been concerned about my feelings in all this. I am adamant not to mention it again as I couldn't bear him marrying me under duress.
Really all I want is to be loved and cherished, and having been married before don't like the divorced label that I carry around. I am a bit confused and having hit 50 wonder what the future holds.
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skippy
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 1152
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Hello Barb, I can understand both sides on this - if you have been happy together for 23 years he probably feels why change things? Maybe he just feels its silly at his age to do the whole wedding thing and if he likes being unconventional then i don't see how you are going to change him.
On the other hand most women want to feel valued and respected and the fact that a man loves you enough to want you to be his wife can be very important to a woman.
It's a difficult situation - my cousin and her partner had a new age wedding - a gathering of friends and family who met in some lovely countryside and watched while they exchanged their own marriage vows, then a party afterwards. Rings were exchanged but no legal or religious ceremony performed. Would this appeal to your partner? It may really inspire him to get involved.
I don't know why you would need to tell any one you are a divorcee in this day and age, you could change your name if you wanted to to his if it really bothers you. Any way i hope everything works out for you. Best wishes.
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[ima ge][/image]
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barb50
member
Reged: 04/06/2008
Posts: 8
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Hello Skippy
Thanks for your kind words. I did change my name to his when the kids came along, but this is more about the emotional stuff. I like the idea of the new age wedding though....maybe one day!
Kind regards
Barb
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MrsDing
member
Reged: 25/09/2007
Posts: 632
Loc: Gloucestershire
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I think a lot of men are "anti-wedding" rather than "anti-marriage"
I also have an unconventional partner and although we discussed marriage after we had lived together for a few years he told me it simply wasn't something that he wanted to do. This was partly because he had been married before and felt that to do it again would "diminish" the act IYKWIM.
But I'm sure it was also a dread of what he still calls "production line weddings". The minute I mentioned that you could get married at one of his favourite places in the world (see the recent "What was your wedding day like" thread for details) it was all systems go!! As others have said, traditional weddings do not suit everyone, especially as we get older, but there are lots of alternatives such as hand-fasting, humanist or secular ceremonies which would be a more personal way of celebrating your lives together.
Good Luck!!
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hollyUK
member
Reged: 06/08/2007
Posts: 328
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I have a different take on this. If the man is committed to the relationship and treats you with love and respect and respects your personal rules and preferences for the relationship (for example is faithful if that is what you have agreed) then I think you have a 'marriage' and an awful lot more than others who have had the 'wedding'.
I like to focus on what I have rather than what I don't have (I'm a glass half full sort of gal!) So I'd advise looking to the relationship and how to make it as good as it can be and don't worry about the wedding. If something off beat appeals to him then obviously go for it - but men have a strange way of running in the opposite direction where any form of pressure is applied. Even thought you may not think you are applying pressure - he will know if it occupies your thoughts constantly and will resist! Probably as soon as you stop thinking about weddings he will decide he wants one!!!
Good luck and well done on maintaining such a long relationship.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1985
Loc: Hampshire
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Barb I just wonder why this is important to you at this point in the relationship. And if you are determined not to tell him again, then how will he know you feel this strongly about it? If he hasn't picked up on how much this means to you I'm guessing he will need a bit of a clue. People can become complacent and since you have been together so long as a family unit he may think that if it had really bothered you before you would have let him know in no uncertain terms? I don't know either of you or what has gone on between you in the past about this but something has worked for 23 years.
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TFG
member
Reged: 10/10/2007
Posts: 1104
Loc: Milton Keynes
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Barb
You say you have been together for 23 years and are in the main happy but not married, you want to be loved and cherished, does he love and cherish you? If he does and has done for 23 years and you have 2 kids together well sounds to me like you have something good.
I was married or 26 years well still am but seperated for I'm seperated because I was not cherished.
Someone really loving and caring about you is much more important than a wedding.
S x
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issi
member
Reged: 30/09/2007
Posts: 3277
Loc: Surrey
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I think if you want to be married then you should be married. What a wedding day is like is neither here nor there. The point is that you are married and if that is what you want then I do not seen why you cannot have it. People make up all sorts of reasons and excuses as to why they should not get married, have children, go out, move house etc etc. The real point is - do you want it? A wedding is, among other things, a celebration of a commitment which involves family and friends and who can blame you for wanting that?
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ajs67
member
Reged: 27/06/2008
Posts: 5
Loc: Midlands
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If you read the Susan Sarandon article this month, she isnt married and chooses not to be quoting that by not being married you are choosing to be with that person each day.
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