Bikerlady
member
Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 54
Loc: Lincolnshire
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Hi all,
Wondered if anyone can give me some advice please.
I have 3 children aged 25 and 22[twins]who are all quite upset with their dad at the moment. They all received a text from him on Tuesday morning to say he had got married, they knew nothing about it until then, what made it worse was that he sent my daughter a pic of him, his new wife and their 9 month old little girl just after they had married. They have always been close to their dad so cant understand why he didnt tell them. apparently they told no one they were going to do it. They all get on with his now wife and there as never been a problem. My daughter text her dad and said she was upset, his reply was, well we have done it now so tough. Now she is upset in case it has caused a rift and she is not going to be able to see her baby sister as much.
What do i do? Do i get involved or keep out of it. I dont have much contact with my Ex, but feel maybe i should say something.
Carole 
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3761
Loc: South Wales
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So hard. My ex emailed our sons (then aged 22 & 24) to tell them he ws remarrying. I think it's best to let them know that you are willing to listen, but otherwise stay out as much as poss - it's not your fault, and there's nothing to be gained by criticising your ex either.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1985
Loc: Hampshire
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Sounds like one of those situations where your damned if you do and damned if you don't. If in doubt I'd say stay out, I get the impression that's the way you've handled it in the past and it seems to have been the right thing for your children's relationship with their father until now. Whatever has happened to keep this wedding a secret appears to have nothing to do with what you or your children have done, there seems to be more to it than that. Trying to second guess will just drive you nuts. Unless you think there is something you can do, I'd leave your ex and his new wife to get on with it and re-assure the children.
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Bikerlady
member
Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 54
Loc: Lincolnshire
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Thanks Valaber, Gigi,
I know what you are saying is right, i just feel for the kids thats all. If he had just told them it wouldnt have been so bad.
Carole
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3761
Loc: South Wales
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Yes, but if he's anything like my ex, that's why he's an ex, not a current OH.
The insensitivity some men can show towards their own children never fails to amaze me - yet other men can be such great dads. Heigh ho, funny old world.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1985
Loc: Hampshire
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A wedding is an important event. To keep that a secret from those close to you, in my experience, usually indicates some degree of doubt or guilt. You may never know the reason why he acted in that way, if you are there for your children it will lessen the impact.
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Bikerlady
member
Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 54
Loc: Lincolnshire
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Valaber,
Thats what i cant understand though, hes always been a good dad to them, not brilliant husband like, but couldnt fault him with the kids.I dont know, men eh, weird species!!!!!
Carole x
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annemari
member
Reged: 07/03/2008
Posts: 2558
Loc: Gloucestershire.
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I think I would ask all the children to come together and let them talk about their feelings.Don't judge,or as Val says criticise your ex and his new wife either. Is there a family friend that the children can talk to or share this with you.
My opening line would be,"I can see that you're unhappy about this,lets see what we can do to understand why"
This is where paper and pen come in useful,let each child (if they want to)write on paper how they feel and why. Then let them tear the paper up if they have come to some sort of conclusion, if not, tear it up anyway,and use a fresh piece another day.
My OH and I married on the QT,only our witnesses knew. This was done to avoid any backlash on the day,(as was expected)plus OH is my third husband,and I wanted to go through with it without any sniping from either side. Family occasions can bring out the worst in a lot of people.If nobody knew,nobody was uncomfortable or embarassed,it was OUR day.
Yes,in a perfect world,we would have loved everybody being there,but there is no such thing as a "perfect world" so we did what was best for us and our new life together.
I've got to admit I think it was a bit crass to be informed by text but nobody is perfect,and I suspect that maybe they thought it was the quickest thing to do,before anyone else told them. My OH and I posted announcement cards before going into the registry office,(Our ceremony was as late in the day as it could be)therefore the cards were, where possible, received first thing in the morning.
If everyone can come through this,I would not be surprised if a party is thrown at a later date.
It will not be easy for a while but by not taking sides it will be a lot easier.
Good luck to you CaroleA and to your family.
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Annemari xx
 "Hey Tinker,Mums a proud and bouncy TwiddleTigger"!! "Eric,Have you seen Mum's pinny?"
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Bikerlady
member
Reged: 07/01/2008
Posts: 54
Loc: Lincolnshire
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Hi Annemari,
Thanx for advice,
I can understand them wanting to have a quiet wedding just for the 2 of them, but why not have taken all the kids and had them as witnesses. they are not just anyone, they are his children all of them. maybe im getting to involved, just being a mum i suppose, you know what we are like when it concerns our children. Im doing has you say though keeping out of it and hoping it will all blow over! 
Carole x
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salgash
member
Reged: 02/07/2007
Posts: 246
Loc: Gloucestershire
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The sad thing is that you are the one having to deal with your childrens pain and hurt. The ex doesn't see it or doesn't want to.
My ex went to live on the other side of the world even though he had promised our children he would not. I was the one who had to tell them he was going and help them through their pain and feelings of rejection. Believe me it is not easy seeing your 24yr old son cry.
People used to tell me 'It is better that your children are older(28,26 and 24 when he left) they will understand'. They hurt a lot and age makes no difference. He was a good Dad and very close to them which is why they found it difficult to deal with his rejection of them.
His attitude was - he had brought them up and stayed till they were independent and now he was going to get on with his life and be happy. He has made a bit of a mess of it actually but that is not my problem.
I try not to get involved but you have to be there for them.
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gigi
member
Reged: 12/04/2008
Posts: 1985
Loc: Hampshire
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What's interesting about this thread is that our children are all of a similar age when our dears departed. Malefan posted something about this a couple of weeks ago. something about men wanting to regain what they had missed out on by marrying/having a family so early in life. If that's the case why do so many start a new family so quickly?
I wonder since male mid-life crisis is such a given why they don't just realise what's happening and ride it out until the tide turns (mixed metaphors?) Few of them seem to have long term success in their choices and even fewer of them are any happier/as happy as they were with the original relationship.
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Duffy
member
Reged: 14/02/2008
Posts: 1312
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I personally would want to say something..but he is your ex..and has moved on....you are not in touch with him and would he listen to you anyway...Your kids are adults and able to fight there own battles...Its a tough one but for your own sanity I would keep quiet and stay in the background..maybe advising your children on what to say and supporting them...
This is no way to continue a relationship and your ex has acted very selfishly..but obviously feels he has moved on...he is still your childrens father and on this occasion I think he has behaved very badly....
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RunGirl
member
Reged: 11/01/2008
Posts: 807
Loc: South East London
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My husband and I did the same thing last year - we got married while on holiday and didn't tell anyone until after the event. Part of the reason was his 2 grown up children; while they are perfectly nice to me now it hasn't always been so easy and we just weren't sure what to do about a wedding. He would have been terribly upset if they had said they wouldn't come, so we chose to avoid the issue.
With hindsight though we realise we did the wrong thing. Some people were very upset, including my sister in law, and in particular my husband's children were very shocked and upset that he didn't tell them. They have never asked any questions about the wedding or to see any photographs or offered any congratulations.
But we did what we thought was best at the time (in fact it wasn't best for us either because we feel like we have never celebrated the event!!). Maybe your ex has tried to avoid a similar situation with your children? Or maybe he wanted to be married but didn't want a 'wedding'?
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Chickadee
member
Reged: 28/03/2008
Posts: 3761
Loc: South Wales
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It does show, doesn't it, how hard it is to get these things right. We all mean well - and perhaps our ex-es do too (mine just is emotionallly obtuse, I think - he doesn't want to hurt the children, but is unable to put himself in their shoes). So often what can seem right to one person is someone else's pain.
I would still stand by my first response, listen sympathetically to the children, don't criticise, don't get involved and don't make too big a deal out of it. Hopefully they will get used to the new situation and time will heal to some extent.
My d. has never accepted her father's marriage and loathes her step mother, but that's not the easiest situation in the world to cope with. My sons get on oK with her,in a fairly detached way but then because they are grown up and away from home, it impinges on them less.
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feathers
member
Reged: 20/05/2007
Posts: 514
Loc: Tyneside
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Weddings do cause lots of angst, don't they? But this was their day and lots of people prefer to get married quietly on their own, especially when it's not the first time.
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