OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1885
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Believe it or not, I am a non-practising psychologist! I have no idea what to do about Mitch and I have never known such heartbreak! He is from my first marriage. Bio father not much chop (or we'd still be married) Absent from Mitch's life except when he needed him as a fashion accessory! Mitch was diagnosed with ADHD, at around 11, which is pretty late because I didnt believe it existed. I read all the research available in English before we medicated him. I still dont know if it was the right thing to do. My OH is a decent man with loads of integrity, he was adopted so before we had our daughter, I wonder if he knew about unconditional love. Studying psychology has given me so many things to stress about. He has been a great dad to Mitch but they are very different people. Unfortunately Mitch is a total airhead like me!
So Mitch discovered sex at around 15 so I tried to give him a safe environment etc.,wacky weed- who knows? I did that too when I was younger. However, studies have shown an alarming correlation between bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and marijuana! So we just did what we could to cope but things in our home got to the point where it was not a good environment for a 10 yr old girl. One can only love and support so much! We gave him an ultimatum (after coming home from hols to vomit stained walls etc) that he clean up his act or move out. It was a bluff! His mate went to his family and told them that M had been thrown out of home & without referring to us they took him in. They are really nice people but hell, they could have been peodophiles! The evil girlfriend, who was playing up with his other best mate (do they need to do that at 17) also figures in this sorry tale, but thankfully she has left the scene. So every week or so I phone him or text him telling him that we love him and miss him and that he is always welcome back- if he adheres to our rules!
It really is true! When you have a child, you rip out your heart and let it walk free!
I hope I didnt go on for too long, but that was very therapeutic- it is also fairly abridged!
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Jane2008
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2386
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Hi Ozziekez, I sense from your post that you feel you’ve lost control... You and millions of other parents of teenage children! My children are a bit younger than yours and this is an age I’m not looking forward to.
Your 17 year old (?) son has been having sex and may have been taking drugs. You asked him to clean up his act and he left home to go and live in his mates house. To make things worse, the mate told his parents that you chucked your son out. As this is untrue, I'm sure this must have hurt you terribly. Have you spoken to the boys parents to find out what is going on? Are you concerned that Mitch may have a serious drug problem? Do you want him to come home? Does he need any medication?
You sound like a loving caring mum who is concerned about her sons welfare. At seventeen he is still so young and vunerable. What do you want to do? What does your heart tell you?
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1885
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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I am in contact with Mitch's mate's mum.They are good people who have developed a bond with Mitch. I pay the shortfalls in Ms rent out of an account we have for him because I dont see why they should suffer financially for their kindness.Everyone who knows Mitch loves him and says that he will come good. It concerns me that he takes little resposibility for his life, though he wants to be considered an adult.I know he smokes dope, but my real concerns are ice and ecstasy. Kids use these over here because they are cheaper than alcohol. I'll never know about that for sure!
We confiscated his dexamphetamine when we caught him bagging it up for sale! Two years later his ADHD seems to be diminishing as apparently can happen.
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Duffy
member
Reged: 14/02/2008
Posts: 1300
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Hi Kez....an interesing post and one some will read and think what is this person on about..others will read and get the jist straight away...Your story is one of many parents nightmare...I am a mother to 2 boys 13 and 12.. a good balance of friends..some do drugs..some do alcohol..some dont need to do anything...at the present..my boys fall into that category...I have tried so hard to make sure it is like that for them..the scare stories..pictures of kids dying from the effects..to really bang it home what it does to the body..the mind..
Your Mitch..will do ok if he knows he has the love and support...but is he getting the correct support from drug counsellors??.... He has obviously struggled through life..and for a time ..same age...I did to...drugs sex and rock `n` roll ..was all I knew..then BANG!!...a wake up call and I came to my senses..found stability..and thankful for all I have experienced in my life....M will get that BANG one day..but only he can do it and want it..I wanted it..and now at 39,this month...I feel at last happy and stable...loving family and friends...a good balance both mentally and physically..Some days are a struggle..but more happy times than bad now.. Hang on in there...tell Mitch I am thinking of him..and tell him that you love him and need for him to continue with life..not throw it all away..that would be such a waste..xx
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PLASMO
member
Reged: 13/03/2008
Posts: 3910
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I feel a lot of emotion for your story Ozz, but find it also as Duffy pointed out hard to understand and grasp. I think, although my childhood was not a happy one, that we all lived in a strangely alien world where I was protected from all of these problems, and frankly didnt know much about anything to do with Drugs, and Sex.
The world is a scary place today in every sense of the word, and to have young teenagers now must be one of the biggest worries parents can have, I dont envy them at all.
My own son has given us not one worry in his life, but obviously as a teenager, he went through the usual teenager's angsts, but nothig in comparison to what a lot of parents have had to deal with. I count myself extremely lucky.
Duffy, I cant help but admire you in lots of ways, you seem to me to have true grit in every walk of your life.
Plasmo x
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Jane2008
member
Reged: 08/01/2008
Posts: 2386
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You say you have never known such heartbreak and that, "when you have a child you rip out your heart and let it walk free"!! That's powerful stuff!! This can only mean that you are desperately sad and your heart is aching. You also say that you wonder if your OH understands about unconditional love and that Mitch and your OH are very different people.... You don't give much away, but I wonder if you are getting the support you need from your husband. It sounds as if Mitch has not really had a father figure in his life. His bio father left when he was young and by the sound of it your second husband has not been able to give Mitch the unconditional paternal love that he needs. What about your daughter? You have already said that things in your home got to the point where it was not a good environment for a 10 yr old girl. Does Mitch feel pushed out I wonder?
Perhaps you feel torn between your son and your husband? Perhaps you want Mitch to come home but you fear you may not get the support you need from your husband.
So much is going on here and yet you say so little about your feelings! You may be a psychologist, but you are first and foremost a mother!! After all, we all find it much easier to offer advice on someone elses problems!! It's amazing how much clearer things are when we are not emotionally involved!!
I hope I haven't spoken out of turn by raising certain questions. The advice and support is always available on the here if you need it. But if you just want to offload as many people do, you've found a great place to do it!
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annemari
member
Reged: 07/03/2008
Posts: 2081
Loc: Gloucestershire.
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Ozzie - Don't beat yourself up about Mitch,Jane is so right,you are first and foremost a mother,to not just one but two children.
The best thing that you are doing right now is keeping contact. For as long as you have that,you have hope of being re-united.
Good luck and best wishes.
annemari
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Annemari xx
 "A new little friend has come to play,O the joy of the forum,Thank-you".love Eric xx
 Hello Ladies,don't mind me,I'm Eric's new friend,Tinker xx
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PurpleRain
member
Reged: 17/01/2008
Posts: 1122
Loc: South Wales
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Hi Ozzie
A friend of mine eventually found tough love with her son, as like you she was piggy in the middle. New OH, and two younger children to shield, so after many chances she bravely and with a heavy heart kicked her son out. Now two years down the line and he is twenty he is finally straightening out, holding down a job, paying his own rent and babysitting for his mum.
Tough love worked for her, she sat him down told him she hated what he was doing to himself, to her and his two little brothers, told him she would always love him but was setting him free to make his own decisions good or bad and finally that, he would always be her child but that if one day he could come to her and say "mum Im done" and that honestly be the case, she would never say another word. Those words have been said, she only bought him food, never gave him money,never bailed him out and never nagged at him, but constantly kept contact with him.
Ozzie as you know it (parenting) is the hardest job you will ever do and you sound as though you intend to keep trying, you just need some galvanizing to keep going, my best wishes go to you all, onwards and upwards girl! x Anj
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To a kitten a mew is as good as a roar!
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nowcemsi
member
Reged: 24/06/2008
Posts: 120
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I kind of understand your story; lets put it this way
I knew of someone who behaved the same way, now 15 years later is the most tidy, conservative non risk taking person in my family.
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OzzieKez
member
Reged: 21/06/2008
Posts: 1885
Loc: Queensland, Australia
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Its very exciting here tonight because Mitch is staying over! I know he is warm and here under our roof, and for tonight that is enough.
My OH has his own views on Mitch and is far more supportive than many men in the same situation. My mother tells me that often frisson exists between fathers and sons. OH has been unwell for many years and has mood swings as part of his disorder. Mitch has learned a lot from this and, although it can be tense here, OH has never let M down. He is the one who has collected M from the police station at 1am etc.
Drug counselling here is unfortunately, mostly group therapy which is a wonderful networking opportunity..... 17 in Qld is considered adulthood.Parents have absolutely no powers or access to information about their kids, they are tried in adult courts etc. At 16 you have no access to medical records and any counselling has to be initiated by the individual.
Anyhow, he is downstairs watching "Moonlight". He stays up much later than we do. Hugs have been given and love declared.
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