<![CDATA[Woman & Home Forums - Family Firsts]]> http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/ Looking for some advice on a family dilemma? en Mon, 20 May 2013 02:51:08 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/images/misc/rss.png <![CDATA[Woman & Home Forums - Family Firsts]]> http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/ Poem - An Alzheimers Request http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76438-Poem-An-Alzheimers-Request?goto=newpost Mon, 13 May 2013 17:34:16 GMT As there are so many of us on this forum, sadly, trying to cope with elderly parents with dementia I thought I would share a poem I have recently... As there are so many of us on this forum, sadly, trying to cope with elderly parents with dementia I thought I would share a poem I have recently come across ..... it was apparently written by a man whose wife had dementia, he had been married to her for 40 years. I now carry this poem with me always as although it makes me cry every time I read it, it helps me to cope with my mum on her particularly bad days ....

Do not ask me to remember
Don't try to make me understand
Let me rest and know you're with me
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand
I'm confused beyond your concept
I am sad and sick and lost
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all costs
Please do not lose your patience with me
Do not scold me or curse or cry
I can't help the way I'm acting
I can't be different though I try
Just remember that I need you
And that the best of me is gone
Please don't fail to stand beside me
And love me 'til my life is done


Kitty x ]]> Family Firsts kitty52 http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76438-Poem-An-Alzheimers-Request Returning newbie http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76434-Returning-newbie?goto=newpost Mon, 13 May 2013 14:50:01 GMT I posted some months ago regarding my husbands strange behaviour, cutting himself off no communication at all and he works in Norway and Korea whilst... I posted some months ago regarding my husbands strange behaviour, cutting himself off no communication at all and he works in Norway and Korea whilst I am in the family home in The Netherlands with our now 16 year old daughter. Two months ago he went to a lawyer to get a legal seperation, he told me after the appointment
He said he did not know if he had feelings for me, now he says he does and to cut a long story short he wants the life of travelling, but he says he does not want to lose me but wants the legal seperation! Talk about being confused for the last 7 months, I have now made several appointments to view rental properties in the UK, I spoke to my daughter before doing so and was so surprised she was willing to move, she is now doing her GCSE's we are going to Scotland end of may to view properties. I am scared I have not lived in my 'home' city for 18 years and friends have lost contact and moved on.
I will need to also find some work, I worked in Adult Education before I left the UK 11 years ago, and I will need to build up a social life from scratch!
Any advise would be welcome ]]> Family Firsts hazelrvd http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76434-Returning-newbie Only children http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76376-Only-children?goto=newpost Thu, 09 May 2013 23:16:43 GMT Apologies for the length of this message and if you have managed to read till the end I would appreciate your honest opinion. My husband and I... Apologies for the length of this message and if you have managed to read till the end I would appreciate your honest opinion.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have always said we would have kids after 5 years of marriage, sadly due to many ups and downs in our relationship and other external factors this hasn’t been possible. Then my husband had a period of doubt when he wasn’t sure whether he wanted children and this has made me very sad for a long time. He finally came around and we had our son 3 years ago. This was far from being a happy event initially as I’d lost my mum on the day I found out I was pregnant. I spent my pregnancy mourning her and wondering if I even wanted this child. When I gave birth I had no one by my side except my husband (we are both from overseas and have no family in the UK), It was too sad and spent the first few weeks looking at my newborn and crying. I was also in constant severe pain for 3 months due to having an episiotomy so it was a pretty horrible time all over. Things got better when I went back to work and 3 years later we are a happy family enjoying our precious time with the most amazing son ever.
Before my pregnancy, we said we would wait for another 2 or 3 years and try for another one. But my husband had a change of heart after the difficult time we had and now says he doesn’t want another one. We have also realised how expensive it is to raise a child so having another one would probably make it difficult to give both the best education and the unique experiences we would give to one. I don’t crave another baby at the moment. In fact I am perfectly happy to be a mum of one. We have finally found a good balance and we’re enjoying some quality time as a family so I probably could live with this decision, but I don’t see having another one as a bad thing.
The only thing I worry about is my son growing up with no siblings. We have no family where we live and very few friends. My son is extremely extroverted and is already very popular in the nursery he goes to, I am sure he will have no trouble making friends later on, but I have been reading other only children’s accounts on the internet and they all sound so miserable and say that the lack of siblings had a huge negative impact on their lives. I am one of 3 but my siblings are almost 15 years older than me and as a child I’ve hardly had the chance to know them. Consequently, I grew up as an only child and never missed them. But I had a dozen of cousins my age and had many friends who would come and stay over etc. I have a good relationship with my siblings whom I don’t see very often but I don’t feel close to them at all.
My husband on the other hand is one of 10 and they were quite poor which made him determined to succeed in life but this hasn’t been without consequences. The fear of subjecting his children to the same fate was what made him so reluctant to having them all those years ago.
Besides, he is 51 this year and I am 36 and he thinks he is too old and would be unfair to father another child.
I feel quite confused and a little sad because of this situation. I am a bit scared of tackling the subject with my husband as this is likely to upset him. And then I look at my son who is a happy and bright kid now and think, would he hate us in a few years’ time when his friends have tons of holiday and Christmas memories to share with their siblings and he hasn’t, or when we’re both not so young anymore and he would be the only one left to care for us? ]]> Family Firsts waterlilie http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76376-Only-children Parents and inlaws http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76223-Parents-and-inlaws?goto=newpost Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:39:35 GMT I’m finding the seniors in my family increasingly difficult to be around. I don’t like feeling like this, I’m normally much more laid back and... I’m finding the seniors in my family increasingly difficult to be around. I don’t like feeling like this, I’m normally much more laid back and accepting.

I’m not sure I can put my finger on it. FIL and my own father (aged 68 and 72) are always super-stressed with whatever they are doing. All are retired and are without hobbies but like to be in and settled with life revolving around a strict, ummovable itinerary of mealtimes and the TV.

Whilst my mother isn’t stressed, she has no ‘free’ time as her strict cleaning routine and mealtimes etc leaves zero social time. It’s my OH’s birthday today and they won’t come over as invited because, as much as they love us, they like to eat what they want, when they want, so always decline as they like to be home.

My mum has always been like this, as I have harped on about on this forum, and I can and have accepted that, but she is increasingly becoming worse and seems to have totally forgotten social etiquette, partly, I feel because they have never socialised, ever. Just always been my mum and my dad.

I suppose I am sad because, although I love them all, they are increasingly difficult to be around. My father (and FIL) seem almost ill if they have to go out and do something out of the routine; it cannot be healthy and me arriving (heaven forbid) or us meeting up seems to literally push them over the edge.

They seem to suck the joy out of everything; they’re too stressed, my mum is increasingly socially inept with comments like, ‘we like mash with lamb; we can’t eat this late etc’ that I’m left feeling quite resentful and amazed at the same time.

Any words of wisdom gratefully received. ]]> Family Firsts Optimistic http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76223-Parents-and-inlaws <![CDATA[Mum's Dementia Update.]]> http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76221-Mum-s-Dementia-Update?goto=newpost Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:29:00 GMT Just a quick note to update you ... mum was officially diagnosed with Alzheimers and was awaiting the result of an ECG to see if she was suitable for... Just a quick note to update you ... mum was officially diagnosed with Alzheimers and was awaiting the result of an ECG to see if she was suitable for medication.

Found out yesterday she is, but first, the authorities have to do a financial assessment on her and dad, as mum will need a carer to visit each day to administer the medication, as its one she cant risk taking too many of, or even none at all. She doesnt take all her normal meds either!

They may well get this care visit free as they are only going to be there for a few mins each day, but even if they have to pay, its worth every penny. They will tell mum that the medication is to keep her memory as it is and will let her continue to carry on as she is, but they will be there to make sure there are no side effects of it... very cleverly done without mentioning dementia etc.!

Mums support worker is absolutely fab - she is helping both mum and dad in various things, knows all the things they are entitled to, all the right people to help and will accompany anyone visiting them at home, as mum and dad both know this lady now and have a good relationship with her. This lady also rings me with updates and is very supportive, as this has all been stressing me out.

This is one case where I cant knock the NHS whatsoever... in fact, full of praise for their help and support all round.

So hopefully medication will start for mum in about 2 weeks time, as soon as the assessment has been carried out. Hope it makes some slight changes for her for the better.

I hope everyone else who I know is going through similar things are coping OK and you are getting good support. The organisation that is helping my parents are the Early Memory Diagnosis and Support Service which was set up by the Government about 2 years ago, and its Hertfordshire who has been selected to have this group. We are very lucky!! ]]> Family Firsts amelica2 http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76221-Mum-s-Dementia-Update Husband and son battling - at end of my tether.... http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76137-Husband-and-son-battling-at-end-of-my-tether?goto=newpost Fri, 26 Apr 2013 09:58:28 GMT Anyone got a similar situation and can offer some advice? Husband and 25 year old son constantly row and it's getting me down to the point I am getting depressed about it. My marriage is hard work as it is as husband is a control freak, who I do stand up to nowadays but he really sweats the small stuff. Went to a friend's last night to come back to the usual scenario when I'm out, they'd blown up at each other because son refuses to switch off tv at the plug on husband's request (yes, that trivial....). This then leads to full on confrontation about all sorts of issues - husband rakes up things that have gone past and my son takes so much and then ends up swearing at his Dad and hence I get it from husband who accuses me of always being on son's side (which I usually am, he having always had a bad time from his Dad so feel sad for him). Son doesn't always help himself though. We booked a holiday about 6 weeks back and his Dad has asked him for his share of the money several times and son will pay, but hasn't coughed up yet and so that's caused a mighty row. This morning I'm so angry and fed up with both of them and feel that I can't cope with this situation much longer. Husband loves son to bits (we've 3 kids but only son is his - the other two are married) but he causes him so much stress and now just wants him to move out. The other two were made to feel unwelcome in our house and daughter got sent to her Dad's at 17 and eldest son moved out as soon as he could at 18 to get away from him. I feel like I've no life at the moment. My daughter and son-in-law have just split up so I've got that to cope with and I run around all Saturday with my elderly Mum and I've no time for me and I think they are both being totally selfish. I had a breast cancer scare the other week and now feel like their petty squabbles are totally unimportant and they need to realise that this is not what life is meant to be about. I tried to talk to my son this morning before I left for work but he just said that his Dad won't listen when he tries to explain things to him (that's true..). Son has a really good job - works from home, is a really decent lad that's never caused us one iota of trouble and I feel so sad that he has to have a Dad like he has when my Dad was the most loving, caring, gentle man and I was so lucky. Help?? I've left in the past and then come back to it all - nothing changes and I'm sick of it all. :mad: Sorry for the rambling on a lovely sunny Friday morning! ]]> Family Firsts CherylB http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76137-Husband-and-son-battling-at-end-of-my-tether I really wish I had a mum. I so need one. (from ButterflyFlown) http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76129-I-really-wish-I-had-a-mum-I-so-need-one-(from-ButterflyFlown)?goto=newpost Thu, 25 Apr 2013 14:57:27 GMT This was posted by ButterflyFlown on the Health and Wellbeing forum and I thought I'd duplicate it here. Hopefully she can get some advice.

I really wish I had a mum. I so need one.
I am struggling so much at the moment and feel close to tears so easily. I have no local friends having moved soon after having my eldest child and then being ill after each subsequent baby with post natal depression made it impossible to get out and meet anyone.

Anyone who did talk to me soon dropped me once they knew I was/had been ill. I really struggle at the school gates. We had to move school and have been at the current one for just over a year. Some people talk to me but generally only until someone else comes along and they will chat amongst themselves leaving me out, sometimes even just walking off or turning their backs. Reminds me of when I had to move to yet another school as a child myself and I was left at the edge of the playground with noone to talk too or play with. Since I told one mum I had been in care she hasn't spoken more than to say hello to me once or twice and that reminds me of when I got sacked from a job because they found out I had been in care.

I had to speak to speak to one mum yesterday as hers was unkind to mine and made them cry and while she was lovely about it I have fretted ever since that it will make them even less likely to talk to me. I can't see me ever being proper friends with these mums but I have another 4 years minimum at this school and standing alone for all that times seems unbearable.

I know I am not the person I was priorr to having children as having them has brought all my issues out, but I am friendly and loyal. I just need a mum so find I say too much sometimes and people are not equipped to help me and without knowing the history of my upbringing there isn't the background of understanding there.

I know it is down to me to change how I feel about things but I don't know ehre to start. My husband is doing both school runs today just because I am scared to face the mums after yesterday. Sounds pathetic and it is.
]]> Family Firsts Zib http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76129-I-really-wish-I-had-a-mum-I-so-need-one-(from-ButterflyFlown) Housekeeping for Teens http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76077-Housekeeping-for-Teens?goto=newpost Tue, 23 Apr 2013 14:06:19 GMT Hi all, I just wondered what the going rate is for teenagers paying towards their keep. My son is eighteen and will soon be going to work full time.... Hi all, I just wondered what the going rate is for teenagers paying towards their keep. My son is eighteen and will soon be going to work full time. I have recently separated from his father and am on a low income so will need to charge him as I will be losing out on child tax credits and child benefit. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I know I paid by parents £100.00 a month but that was thirty years ago!! ]]> Family Firsts dc49 http://www.womanandhome.com/forums/threads/76077-Housekeeping-for-Teens