“Age is not an issue in a relationship” / Amanda Redman

Actress Amanda Redman talks to Daphne Lockyer about younger men, loving food and loathing exercise and how, at 48, she still longs for another child

Amanda starred in the ITV series At Home with the Braithwaites and has just appeared in the fourth series of BBC1's New Tricks. She is now filming Honest, a new six-part drama for ITV. Amanda is the Principal of The Artists Theatre School in Ealing, west London. She lives in Ealing with her partner, designer Damian Schnabel and her 18-year-old daughter Emily from her previous marriage to actor Robert Glenister.

I hate exercise, but I do have a personal trainer and I go to the gym. I also try to watch what I eat. But the truth is that I adore food and sometimes feel that it's the most important thing in my life. Plus, Damian is the best cook in the world, so it isn't easy.

My weight goes up and down as most women's does. I was probably at my slimmest in my late thirties when I was in the TV series Beck. But, boy, did I have to suffer to look that way! The older you get, of course, the more difficult it is to keep those pounds off – my friends and I joke that no one warned us about Back Fat Syndrome, for example. On the other hand, when you're older, a little bit of extra flesh plumps up your skin.

I have been very lucky with the men in my life. With the exception of one horrible, abusive relationship when I was at drama school, I have always been attracted to men who are strong, nurturing, funny and kind. True, my first marriage to the actor Robert Glenister ended in divorce, which was devastating. But I'm proud of the fact that we have remained friends and co-operate as our daughter Emily's parents.

Meeting Dennis Waterman again was a lovely life present because it's not often that you get the chance to have closure on something. Back in my twenties I had a whirlwind affair with him, which did not end particularly well. We lost touch, but then five years ago found ourselves working together on the BBC1 series New Tricks. If you'd told me 20 years ago that we'd be mates I wouldn't have believed you, but that's how it's turned out. The moment we met again my worries evaporated. We got on brilliantly. Dennis is clever, hilarious and protective of me on set. Now he and his partner Pam come over for dinner and we go over to theirs. The last time it ended up in an all-night karaoke session.

Dennis is also a big supporter of the theatre school that I run in Ealing. I am always collaring him to help with our annual production or to give the students an acting masterclass. But then I've done the same with so many others who I've worked with, including Ray Winstone, another great friend.

I have a picture we refer to as “Amanda and Her Men”. It was taken a couple of years ago when we had a party and it shows me surrounded by my male friends, including Dennis, Ray, Art Malik and Peter Davison, who I worked with on The Braithwaites. When I look at it I think, “What a lucky woman I am!”

Age is not an issue for me in a relationship – it's about a meeting of minds rather than birth certificates. It is true that I have sometimes been involved with younger men. Damian, for example, is ten years younger than me. But so often he is the grown up in the relationship and he often seems more mature than older men I've known. Yes, despite the publicity about “toy boys” I have dated men older than myself.

When a relationship is good it deserves a second chance. Damian and I split up for a while, but got back together last year and now our relationship is lovely. It feels like a new beginning. We have just done the house up and we went away to India for the trip of a lifetime. It feels so right that I wonder why we ever split. I blame the fact that I was away so much. I was working for six months of the year on The Braithwaites in Leeds, while Damian, who has been an incredible father figure to Emily, was at home coping with her during her most challenging teenage years. I'd come home exhausted, wanting to relax, and he'd need me to share the strain. Now we nurture our relationship.

Cosmetic surgery is not something I have succumbed to yet. It is very difficult in this profession because you are judged so much on the way you look. Perhaps in five years, if I feel that it's all going south, I might consider a tweak or two, especially to fix all those jowly bits. I'd be tempted, but I would be very careful whose hands I put myself into. You see some great examples of cosmetic surgery, but I am definitely in two minds about the whole subject. On the one hand I think, “Why can't we all just be allowed to grow old gracefully?”. On the other I think, “Is that another wrinkle? Help!”

My biggest sadness has been not being able to have the children I craved. I had Emily with no problems, but all attempts afterwards failed. I could conceive, but couldn't carry them to term. I've lost nine babies in all and two ectopic pregnancies in the process. I have become a supporter of the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust because my heart goes out to all women who long for a child that they can't have. I know just how they feel.

One of my miscarriages occurred early in my relationship with Damian. Given that he doesn't have children of his own, it might have been a stumbling block, but he was strong and supportive. He said, “I don't look at you differently because of the miscarriage. It's you I love.” I needed to hear that.

It may seem crazy but, at 48, having a child still feels like a possibility. Although Damian always says, “Come on, you wouldn't want to get up in the middle of the night at this age”. But the truth is, I would. Perhaps it will only end when nature puts a stop to it.

Not being able to carry babies is a subject that can still overwhelm me. I can get terribly emotional about it because it hits at the heart of everything that you are as a woman.

My biggest joy is my relationship with my daughter. Emily is 18 now and applying, as I did, for drama school. There is a part of me that longs to launch her into her life and another that wants to hang on to her. I can't imagine not yelling, “Turn that music down”, or not being confronted by her laundry. I worry too that I won't be the person who knows everything about her life any more.

I'm dreading the silence when Emily's gone. I can't imagine depositing her in some far-flung place. On the other hand, I am incredibly proud of what a strong, intelligent and independent person she's become. I also believe we will always be close, even if we are apart.

I learned about being a survivor early on in my life. At 18 months I was badly burned after I tipped boiling soup over myself. My earliest memories are of being almost constantly in hospital for skin grafts. I still have a scar on my left arm, but I never hide it. The scar's part of who I am and others should accept it. I do a lot of work for the Children's Fire and Burn Trust and I get letters from girls who cover their scars because they fear being bullied. My advice is they should be bold about it because that tends to frighten bullies off. I was lucky that my parents never put me in long sleeves.

My mum and I are still very close... although she lives in Brighton, while I live in London. It seems no matter how old you get, as soon as you are back with your mother, part of you reverts to being a child. I'll go into her kitchen, peer into her fridge like a teenager and say, “What's for dinner?” It is sometimes wonderful to forget that you are 48.

The Artists Theatre School is a drama centre I run for local children from all walks of life. It's my way of passing on my love of acting as well as my love of children. This June we are putting on our annual show, which this year is called London Calling. We write and produce it ourselves, but we have had all kinds of problems with funding. If the theatre closed it would break my heart and devastate the children. It's the thing that keeps me awake at night.
The Artists Theatre School production London Calling is at The Questors Theatre, Ealing W5 from 28 to 30 June. Call (020) 8567 5184 or visit www.artiststheatreschool.com.

My female friends are life savers. Even if men come and go, women remain constant to each other. My group includes a friend I have known since school and others I have met in the business. Lynda Bellingham is a great pal, as is Sheila Hancock. When we get together there is a lot of laughter, food and wine. I think we're just like the girls in Sex and the City. Guess which one I am!

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