3 best tips for surviving anything
1. Take the personal out of the problem
Women have so many strengths, but our weakness is often to personalise negative things that happen, taking full responsibility for whatever problem comes our way. Your son or daughter hasn't done any revision and is on course to muck up their exams? “Help, I’m a hopeless parent who hasn’t instilled in them any kind of work ethic,” is often a first response. Your husband says his boss hasn't asked him to an away day think tank. Is it because you failed to be suitably charming at his office party?
Tactic: Depersonalise the event and stand back. Let the kids, your partner or friend take ownership of the problem.
Try asking: “What do you think will make a difference?’ or “Do you feel there's something you can do about it?’ You can be sympathetic and supportive, but misplaced guilt won't help anyone.
2. Give yourself time out
One of the best ways to deal with painful or difficult events, research has shown, is to take a mental step back. Rather than immersing yourself in the bad news, call a psychological time out.
Tactic: Next time you find yourself in the middle of a family feud that's threatening to prove more destructive than WWII, mentally visualise yourself moving away to a vantage point. From here you can watch the unfolding drama as if it were happening in a movie – not to you. This proven technique helps you to look at the situation objectively and ask certain questions.
Would I think this was quite as desperate if it was happening to someone else?
Are my actions helping or dramatising the situation?
Can I see a resolution?
Tough times may seem like marathons when you’re in the middle of them, but they do come to an end. Look at your problem like a snapshot, not a whole movie.
3. Don't suffer in silence
Having a support network of people you can trust is absolutely vital. Of course, there are problems you don't want everyone to know about, but don't keep that brittle mask of being “fine” in place for everyone. Give people you trust the gift of being able to help by listening.
Tactics: If you're someone who finds it hard to open up, often talking on the phone, rather than face to face, is easier. Emailing is also a new way of sharing that can be very effective. Think widely about people who may be able to help you – they don’t have to be geographically close. Telling a relative or friend who lives a good distance away (or even abroad), and is outside of your day-to-day life, serves the same purpose.
Celebrity Life Laundry by Anjula Mutanda (John Blake Publishing, £9.99) is out now.
